Jones Blog

Patience, Patience: The trouble with trying to make a difference

2006-07-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired to tell a story that perhaps I shouldn't, but I think its telling in terms of understanding the complexities of trying to help high-risk kids. I say "high-risk" a little hesitantly. I don't like labels, but I use those words because I want you to understand that these kids I’ve chosen to mentor have been through so much, and I’m out of my frame of reference (i.e., I have no idea what I’m doing.) As I have said, both parents are not around and haven't been around for about 5 years. The kids have been with a guardian, a woman who often cares for children who no one else will.

Sister Josephine actually inspired me through her work with children. She understands their pain and needs because she's been there. Anyway, if you didn't already know, she is the reason I decided to mentor these kids. If she can welcome them into her home, why couldn’t I mentor them? Last weekend, I wanted the kids to come over. It's been two weeks since we went to the movies (I needed the break) and I thought it was time to get together. Now Stephen is 10 and Johnny is 11. I'd bought Johnny a cake for his birthday, so I thought I'd buy Stephen a cake for his.

I left a voicemail message that I wanted to have the kids over for most of (last) Saturday. They should expect to “work first and play second.” It’s important because I know we seem like zillionaires. And although life is not fair by any means, I think it’s important that they see that work that involved in making our life seem easier. (Actually, I was going to have them help my husband work in the backyard). Sister Josephine called me back with an emphatic “No way. I don’t want them working like that.” I get that. You never know how the story could be misconstrued into something that gets the kids taken away. So I suggested working with academics first. “No” she said. “The boys did fine”, then she say, “They did well in school.” Play only. I must have left a bad impression before. Who knows?

But, on my way to pick the kids up, Sister Josephine calls me again to tell me that she is too busy. The boys are cleaning up. "But I bought a cake for Stephen," I said. "I understand," I told her. “This is a busy time for me too.” Sister suggested that I just bring over the cake, and oh by the way, could I just tell them I'm not taking them with me because I'm so busy. I was floored. Thankfully, by the time I got there - late because I wasn't sure how to handle all of this- she had broken the news to them. Stephen then wanted to know, “Did I buy the cake?” Curious question from a ten-year-old, don't you think?

My girlfriend, Sophia suggested that I just do the best I can and that is all I can expect to do. That the situation will not unfold exactly as I would imagine, but that's life. Of course, she's right. I'm still a little shocked and hurt though. But again, that's life. And I certainly can’t complain because I’m not trying to take these kids in. Maybe I'll try again next weekend.

As for Nicholas’ comment from my last post, I understand the need for a male mentor. I seem to be struggling with the basics. I can introduce them to men who I think they’ll respect, but I can’t force a relationship. I’ll continue doing what I can. I may make a difference or may not. That’s not why I do it. (Thank goodness, because I don’t seem to be making much headway.)

Mentoring and the Movies (Cars)

2006-06-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

I took Stephen, Johnny and LO to see Cars last night. We started with pizza and then had just enough time to get to the movie theater. Since it was my party, I paid for everyone. Now I see why folks with big families don't go out much. We had me, Mr. Jones, LO, Stephen, and Johnny. ($40 for the movies alone!) I was trying to make it a low maintenance evening. Going to the movies means that I don't have to supervise much, but today I realize that the extra hassle saves me a lot of money. The younger of the two, Stephen, just turned 10 this week. I better get him a cake since I got Johnny a cake for his birthday.

Next time we get together, I have to remember to review our 'game plan' first. The same issues keep coming up and I need to nip them in the bud. The kids think I'm a millionaire, and I suppose I am compared to their experience. That means they always want as much as they can get on the menu, and always ask for extras. I remember on a few occasions when we were going to the diner, Stephen cried because he wanted pancakes, bacon, eggs and toast. We originally agreed to pancakes and bacon. A small point, but I have to draw the line and the fact that Stephen would cry about the thing makes me realize how important boundaries are. Johnny, on the other hand, has some kind of eating issue. He treats food like a drug. It's his comfort. He eats too much, too fast and still seemingly can't get enough every time we get together.

When we got to the movies, Stephen and Johnny ran to the video games, begging for money. I'm thinking, "Are you crazy? I just paid $40 to take you guys to see a cartoon!" I guess I can't say that though. I did say "no way." If I had it to "do over," we'd have a conversation before the restaurant and the movie theater about how we will and won't act. Anyway, I tried my very hardest to give my full attention to all kids, and tried to have 1-on-1 talks with everyone.

The boys definitely gravitate toward Mr. Jones, the African American male figure, who is a laid back as can be. And he is a good match for the older, Johnny. Johnny is becoming hard in his preteen years. He is used to getting in trouble and being yelled at because in general he doesn't listen and can do things he shouldn't. What he is not used to is having to spar with Mr. Jones intellectually. That, my friends, is fun to watch.

In the movie, there was a preview of a kid who had to eat worms. At one point, they put a worm in the microwave. Johnny wanted to know what would really happen if you put a worm in the microwave. I suspect he might have tried it if we gave the wrong answer. (He still might.) Mr. Jones went into this thing about how there is no point in answering the question because a child shouldn't do it. And if a child did, he would get in big trouble. So Johnny wanted to know what would happen if an adult put a worm in the microwave. Mr. Jones said that adults wouldn't do that. The two went back and forth and eventually, Johnny just gave up. Phew! That was close.

The kids had fun. They talked alot as they do when they are excited (including LO), and we got them back home just after 9 pm. An evening well spent.

Chinese contest: LO was so cute! I'm not sure why they call it a "speech contest" since the kids addressed the group in Chinese: Principal, teachers, students, this is our lesson and we will recite 3 poems. Then, they recited the poems. When it was over, LO bowed. Class is over for the summer. They'll resume again with the regular school year.

Chinese Speech Contest in 1 1/2 Hours

2006-06-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's too much for a mother to bear! He's the only non-Chinese kid in his class, so you know I've got to bring the video camera. All this for 3 minutes of pleasure...

Mentee Update

2006-06-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

For those of you who remember all about my mentees, here's an update. I probably haven't seen the boys in at least a month. I called Sister Josephine, their current guardian, and asked if I could take the boys to see the movie, "Cars" this Saturday. What do I know about "Cars" - nothing. Doesn't matter. It looked like a cartoon, so it can't be too bad. I had to leave a message on her voicemail since it was probably around the time the boys were being put to bed. Sister Josephine called me at work today. When she told the boys I called, they were so excited! I guess they thought I dropped them (like a lot of other adults in their lives.) Apparently, they jumped up and down, shouting "Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones." I shouldn't have let so much time go, but things happen, you know? I may invite LO's new best friend. We'll see...

You May Find It Amusing that...

2006-06-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

a good friend of mine (my age) who I've known for years, feels inexperienced in the ways of love and so asked me to give her sex advice and tips. I don't know what the heck she was thinking!!! Remember, I've been married for a decade and have exactly one child. It's not clear I know (or remember) what you're supposed to do. (just kidding) Anyway, I tried my best to talk about ways to be sensuous without actually getting in trouble. Nothing nasty, just fun things you can do together to create intimacy just beyond friendship. Massages, guess that food (chocolate, cool whip, fruit, sugar, and combinations), skin on skin (touching feet, hands etc.). Then I got to thinking, I'm really reaching here into the DEPTHS of my memory. That is a dag gone shame! But that's for another blog.

I figured I could at least go that far since I only have two people reading the blog.

Cheers.

(BTW, LO has his Chinese "speech contest" on Friday i.e., reciting 3 poems with his class and his first piano "recital" next Wednesday. Thankfully, I'm keeping myself calm and in check. Hopefully, it will last. Remind me to bring my video camera.)

Has it been THAT long?

2006-06-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Gee. I guess I haven't blogged since February huh? I have no particularly good excuse. Just busy at work and at life and this blog stuff doesn't seem to pay very well. (ha, ha) Anyway, I do have a few personal stories that I haven't written up, so perhaps this week I could 'get it together.' There is hope after all. And I'm realizing that good things come to those who pursue their passions. Without going into detail, I've been working on one project that I'm learning so much from. And, of course, I love those personal stories. So, whether I'm tired or not, I need to get back to it.

Just as an update, I haven't seen my mentees in several weeks. During the last few weeks, I keep seeing and reading these stories about children in foster care. One principal of a particularly high-risk facility said in an interview that the one thing she would hope for her kids is that they have at least one adult who could be there for the kids' whole lives...I got the message. I've also had some family crisis (what's the plural of crisis?). You know how that goes. I'm trying to be there for a few family members. I'm not going to get into that, but I just need to do all I can. It's after midnight on Sunday and I need to keep my job, so

SEE YA!

Still Working...

2006-02-24T03:48:00.000-08:00

Still working on that Personal Story guys. My big challenge is going to be keeping this project going. I'm going to have to step my networking up, but I really want to stay in my comfort zone. I have had many very helpful conversations lately about how to procede with this project. (One very interesting conversation during my SIX hour visit to the hair salon last weekend.) I'm very focused on one of them because I don't want this project to just fizzle out. I've put too much work and heart into it at this point. And, as you may have noticed, I haven't seen my mentees in a few weeks. I guess I've been calling Sister Josephine, their guardian, at the last minute (the same day) and haven't heard back from her. So I'll need to get back on the horse with that too. My job may get less crazy in about a week (Let's hope so because I'm starting to have to pry my eyelids open during the day). Last but not least, my cousin called this weekend. She's planning on spending the weekend with us. Well, here we go...

Personal Story tomorrow

2006-02-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

I'm at home this week, trying to technically "work at home" since I don't have much leave and I'm afraid I'll need to take what little I have for an emergency. My husband's out of town so I'm juggling. I have so much to get done this week I won't even go into detail of what I'm doing to get it all done. LO, of course, has no idea and has lots of (very messy) projects he works on no matter where we go. He's the best!

Thanks for the kind thoughts and prayers last week. I went to McDonald's and got food poisoning. I told the manager that it happened, that I wasn't trying to sue, but wanted him to be aware of the time, the burger (Big Mac) and the result. He was defensive, but got the message.

I'm taking tonight off. As you may have guessed, I'm too easily wound up. It's time to slow down. So I'll write up the personal story about my friend tomorrow - yet another person who managed to find his dream job, give back to the world and keep his head up during an ugly divorce. He is a great inspiration to me, and hopefully to you too. - Cheers.

Sick as a dog, I am

2006-02-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks. I am sick as a dog this evening. I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me.

Getting Use To A New Rhythm: Another Personal Story

2006-02-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

This story is about a friend of a friend I'll call Kathryn, who is living in India for now, and who somewhat recently decided the time was right to simplify and refocus her life. Kathryn grew up striving to be the best at everything. She did well in school, had a strong work ethic and was an ultra athlete. Still, one day her life as she knew it came crashing down around her. What I admire about Kathryn is that she listened to that little voice in her head that told her to slow down and pay attention to her body and her mind. It was a harsh lesson she needed to learn, and dramatically changed the course of her life. It is an important lesson for us all, but particularly as we think of the next generation of children who are growing up overstimulated, overscheduled, overexposed and ungrounded. I'm not perfect in this area as I have said before, but I am doing my best to ensure that LO has a balanced life and is raised well grounded in the values that matter to his father and I.

No doubt, it's a challenge that many of us share. And just to make things a little more interesting, one thing you can count on, if you live long enough, is that life will throw you some curve balls. The question is, will we have what it takes to re-orient ourselves? How can we best prepare our children to pass through these unpleasant phases in life with wisdom and with grace? And, are we creating an environment for our children (and ourselves) that allows them to connect with themselves, and the world around them? I want LO to come into his own, to be grateful and kind, to know that the world is bigger than what he can see, and to know that his deeds and intellect have power in changing the world for the better. It will only fall into place from the inside out, not the other way around. This story reminds me of how important it is to learn that lesson earlier rather than later.

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My mom grew up in Taiwan in a small village called Yang-mei. Yang-mei had 200 or so people, and as far as I know her village was very primitive. Her family had to go to the river to wash and grow their own food. As the youngest of seven, my mother was treated like the baby girl. Her father would spoil her by giving her the best food at the dinner table, almost like a grandparent because there was such an age difference. She only finished elementary school because the cost of paper and pencil was prohibitive, and the benefit of further education for a girl wasn’t evident. Later, when my mother was 20 or 21, she moved to Taipei as a bus attendant. When I went to Thailand [as an adult], I realized what my mom did. Bus attendants make sure that everyone has paid, everyone sits down. They give out drinks and snacks. She did that for three or four years until she met my dad.

My dad is the oldest of seven. He grew up in Illinois in a small farm town. He didn’t get his PhD, but he got his masters at Illinois University. I know his side of my family better than my mom’s because I visited them every year. From what I have heard from my uncles and aunts, my dad was the bully of the family. He had an attitude of superiority that matched his brilliance. My grandmother had seven kids. I think she was exhausted by the whole thing. She would tell me, “We didn’t even know about birth control. Birth control was another kid.” Her kids ranged in years. From my dad to my youngest aunt, there was about a 15-year difference.

A lot of my mother’s expectations of me were things she learned socially and in the community surrounding her in Taiwan. I grew up American, watching television. In America, if you say something that’s that. My dad was a very exact professional. He didn’t say much, but what he did say was clear. If my mother verbally said something and you didn’t pick up on the other clues, you would still get into trouble. What was said verbally wasn’t the most important thing. I was the un-thoughtful daughter. I had to figure out this stuff on my own.

I have two older brothers. One is eight years older and one is five years older. My parents would always tell us, “Be independent.” “Study hard.” “Don’t rock the boat.” “Always keep your word.” “Be number one.” They would always point out how trustworthy they were and how the kids weren’t. If you were number one, of course, they’d praise you. If you weren’t, you would get lecture upon lecture of how you could improve. During a period of two years, I discovered my curiosity. I tried to challenge the boundaries. I just got stomped on. Once I asked my mother, “What do you mean I’m not a thoughtful daughter?” She started crying and said “You think I’m not a good mom. How can you say that when I sacrificed all of this for you?” I’d say, “Why can’t I spend time with my friends?” She would respond, “Why can’t you spend time with me?” It was weird, almost possessive. She didn’t want me away from her side. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted to become more social. By the end of high school, I was socially retarded. It was such a bad experience that even if friends would invite me over, I wouldn’t bring it up to my parents. I ended up only talking about things that didn’t bring up much conflict.

My dad is a brilliant man. My brothers are also geniuses, especially in dealing with technology and computers. One brother worked for IBM at 16 and went to MIT on a full scholarship. My other brother is a rocket scientist. My mother would say that my brothers got their smarts from my dad. My mother thought she wasn’t smart and wasn’t beautiful. She thought she was so lucky to be with my dad.

I went to college when I was 21. I placed out of the first two years of college. I got married at age 21 or 22. When I got married, I got a stepdaughter too. At the time, she was eight. I had joined the Air Force. Right after I separated from the military, I went straight into college at a North Carolina private school of about 5000 students. I did a lot that year (got married, went to school full-time, joined the cross country track team.) I just wanted to do everything that I could do. I grew up as a very type A personality.

It wasn’t a well thought out decision to get married and my marriage wasn’t going so well. I was becoming disconnected with myself. I was filling my life with so much stuff and trying to be the best. Then my body broke down. Every part of me broke down. It was the middle of graduate school. I was studying exercise physiology. I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital. I went from being an ultra endurance athlete to not being able to walk across the street without hyperventilating. That was my first wake up call and I woke up just a little bit. I learned what my limitations were. I’m still recovering, and that was eight years ago.

I couldn’t live such an extremist lifestyle and still function. I dropped out of my graduate program and switched to an outdoor education program. I never finished my master’s degree. Then I realized I had an eating disorder so I had to get therapy for that. That was a big thing. That developed as soon as I got married. I would wake up every morning. I hated to get up out of bed and exercise for hours, and then there was the question, “What was I going to eat?” I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life but I knew that wasn’t it. I went to therapy. I got more into yoga. We moved to New York. I decided to study massage therapy. That helped to balance me out quite of bit. It was very calming. It was about nurturing and self care. I was married for six or seven years. There was a reason why my eating disorder started when I got married. We tried working on the problems and I realized my husband wasn’t willing to work on them with me. When my stepdaughter went to live with her mom, I left too. I wanted to learn about Chinese culture. I became really interested in learning Chinese. I went to an intensive summer language program at Cornell. That was my separation from my husband. Then I decided to go overseas to China to learn about Chinese language and culture.

I actually haven’t gone to China yet. I spent one year in Thailand and this is my second month in India. In Thailand, I got a divorce. Now, I’m studying yoga. When I was in Thailand I was doing body work in Chiang Mai. I was meeting a friend there. I met her in New York at a job. A lot of woman transitioning in their lives ended up in Chiang Mai. I went to five different schools for studying body work with blind Thai massage therapists. They were the best. First, you sample their massages. I went to get massages over and over again and liked their style. I went and did everything I could possibly do. I went to classes to learn the Thai language. I spent over two months learning about meditation at the Wat Kow Tahm monastery on an island called Koh Phangan.

I also studied a form of massage called Breema. What we learn is that the massage is not really about you, but about me. It is about touching another person with nine different principals that you end of integrating into your body and carrying out into your life. One of the principals is full participation. When I’m talking to you, I’m not talking on the internet. Another one is mutual support. Whenever I am giving to you, I am also receiving. Whenever I am receiving, I am also giving. Another one is single moment, single activity which is huge for me. I’m always doing so many different things. I am now narrowing down what I want to do and starting to do it. Another principal is body comfort. Inevitably, if I am not comfortable with my body, then the recipient is not comfortable. It makes a big difference in the quality of the massage and how I live my life. It is about being conscious of what my body is feeling at the moment. The way I can most serve another person is when I am present and comfortable. Chiang Mai was such a nurturing place for me. I planned to stay there for two weeks and I ended up staying there for a year. I learned to connect through the body, so that what I am doing is what I want to be doing. It is getting me ready for China.

If I could, I would tell young people to stop what they are doing and really connect to themselves. If it means going out into the woods for months, if it means mediation or yoga or a sport or listening, that’s fine. Generally, the fastest way to do that is to totally isolate yourself. When you have so many stimuli around you, your mind can’t be clear. You are thinking about other things and can’t hear the small voice inside yourself. You latch onto the thing that seems important. I would say take cues in life. Take notice of what you do in life and how your body reacts to it. When you are completely relaxed, you feel comfortable. Sometimes when your body gets restricted, you are doing something you weren’t meant to do. Your body is showing you the way. Another way to connect with yourself is to start paying attention to your breath and the sensations in your body. These are like vision quests. Not many people make the opportunity. Stop paying attention to what you think you are supposed to be doing. You just might spend your whole life pleasing an unknown source and you won’t be happy.

I would tell parents not to overburden their kids with so many activities. I’d tell them to understand their priorities in life and live according to those. Most households do so much the kids just learn that that lifestyle is important. They get use to the rhythm. They go out to see a movie then come home and say “Its boring, let’s watch TV. It is from stimulation to stimulation. They stimulate themselves so much they can’t hear their inner voice.

Personal Stories

2006-02-07T04:48:00.000-08:00

I will have a personal story for you this evening. It may be posted late. The story is of a woman of Chinese decent who was brought up to be the best. She realized that what she really needed to be was herself. She is on her journey to China to learn Chinese, but has stopped in Thailand and India along the way. It is a story unlike what I have shared before. I hope you enjoy it.

Technical Difficulties

2006-02-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know what happened, but I was worried that I lost my blog there for a second. If you can read this, then the problem has been solved. Sorry for the inconvenience!

African American Lives

2006-02-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: See the last paragraph of the post. If some large segment of the African American population believes that "being educated" is really "the ticket" to an easier and better life, a life of more opportunity for the next generation, then what does that mean for the role of homeschooling in the African American community? Clearly, the public school system is not doing a great job of educating black young people (just look at the stats, and do a simple search on race and the achievement gap). My parents grew up in a segregated educational system, so we've had about a generation and a half to see what could be. Some African Americans are convinced that sending their kids to private schools will do the trick (like my parents). You still run into problems related to race, achievement and expectations for success. This is why I think the homeschooling movement in the African American community is going to explode. See my last personal story below of a professional African American woman who decided to homeschool her kids. At first, the conversation did not vear into race, but when I brought it up, out flowed a passion and even fear about the effect of of formal education, its expectations and even its ability to support and challenge her children. I would bet a lot of money that other black homeschoolers have similar fears. They may be religious, and they may believe in creating a strong family unit, but the issues I just described are always underneath the surface. Again, my two cents...

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I watched African American Lives Part I this week on PBS - mesmerizing! This clearly is the latest brainchild of Henry Louis Gates Jr., and is a fresh new perspective of African American history.

The documentary profiles the family histories of Oprah (media mogul and who doesn't know it), Chris Tucker (comedian), Dr. Ben Carson (Director of the Division of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital), Quincy Jones (musician - extraordinaire), Dr. Mae Jemison (Astronaut), Pastor T.D. Jakes (well known founding pastor of a mega church in Texas), Dr. Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot (Professor of education at Harvard) and Dr. Henry Louis 'Skip' Gates Jr.(Chair of the Department African and African American Studies).

Gates is not really an interviewer, but he makes you want to find out what the participants discover about their family tree. I believe Part II comes on next week on the 8th. But on PBS, they play the same documentaries over and over, so chances are you can catch part I again if you missed it the first time.

I did make a personal discovery. I noticed that the participants kept talking about education as the 'key' to make lives better and less difficult. So much emphasis was placed on education, and it wasn't about being arrogant or being status conscious. It was one of the things that African Americans have historically clung too post slavery and segregation, and education has held that kind of power in the African American community ever since. Obviously, there are African American folks who don't value education as much as others. But those that do, give education this mythic status of being the ticket to a better life. I don't mean a shiny Ph.D. necessarily, but a degree. And my interviews reflect that as well. I started to get the feeling that this view of education was cultural when I noticed the feedback from others about my interviews and about my blog in general. But I think the documentary really helped cement that for me. Many African Americans appreciate education because decent education was denied for generations and that's the mentality that many were brought up with. It was in my family. Something to think about...

An Idea of What Homeschooling Can Do and Be: Another Personal Story

2006-01-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

Both of my parents were raised in medium sized cities, located within five miles of each other in New Jersey. My mother was born the first of ten children which meant that she was the first to get a job, the first to earn her money, and the first to go out to get her own fashions. She was doted on and became the trendsetter of the family. My grandmother raised her kids, poor and struggling. That is why it was so important that my mother could buy what she wanted because they all wore hand-me-downs. That meant better clothes and pressed hair, “fried and dyed and laid down on the side.” My dad, the younger of two siblings, was raised by his grandparents. When he got older, he enjoyed earning his own money. He worked for a nuclear power plant and wanted to be there for the long haul. I believe he went to college; I don’t know if he finished. My mother went to college, completed her undergraduate degree and finished her master’s degree.

My grandmother basically raised her ten children on her own. Her husband passed away after the birth of the 10th. She gave her family a very strong Christian upbringing. She raised us – children, grandchildren and now great grandchildren- in the church and she expected us to follow his will. One of the things she looked for was for her children and grandchildren to have an easier life. Nine out of her ten children went to college. She wanted all of her children to be independant, to have their own money. I don’t believe her marriage was as happy as it could have been. Her husband sought her out, but he was not her first choice. He made sure that her first choice was not in the picture, so she wanted her children and grandchildren to find happiness with their mate. She makes sure that we are always nurturing our relationships. She’ll say to me, “You have a really good husband,” or “What are you cooking for your husband,” or “He is a good man.”

My mother is cautious, but she is continually trying to better herself, trying to move up a level. Ten years ago, she decided to pursue real estate part-time. She wanted to give minorities a chance to purchase their own homes. In two years, she had sold more than some of the full-timers. She convinced a broker to give her an advance of $15,000 to leave her government job and put out her real estate shingle. In that first year, she paid the money back. She is now a broker herself and a general manager for a real estate company. After my parents divorced (I was 6), they both remarried. My father worked at a nuclear plant in New Jersey until he was disabled about three years ago. He purchased his own home and has paid that off. He also bought an apartment building and has almost paid that off. Slow and steady wins the race. He thinks everyone should get into some union benefit job and create wise investments along the way so s/he can enjoy when the time comes.

I have one sister, but if you are counting step siblings I also have two sisters and a brother. As a little kid, I was able to pick up on things naturally. When I was younger, my mother had a resume service. My stepfather was in the military, so we lived in Germany. My mother would prepare resumes on this SF-171 form. I would do a lot of the typing. I was involved in many activities that promoted entrepreneurialism. In high school, I was very involved in the “Future Business Leaders of America”, and the student council. I did well in school. When I was applying to college, I sent out a number of applications. Most kids sent out standard applications. My mother made me make portfolios for each school. It included a picture, awards, a writing sample of what I wanted to create and do AFTER I graduated, and a full and complete resume. I told her, “No one else is doing this.” She said, “So what.” I put my foot down at the suggestion of a video. When the letters came in, I was accepted into all the places I applied to.

My aspiration all the way through high school was to be an ambassador for the United States. I graduated from Cornell University, but it was difficult to find a job in advertising in a large marketing company like Coca Cola. The position I wanted was not being offered to someone right out of college. Then I started thinking about being an attorney. I became the first person in the family besides an aunt to go to law school, graduate and pass the bar. It spoke volumes for me and my family about being able to achieve something. My husband and I met in law school. His goal was also to be an ambassador. He went to the same business leader conference in California when we were in high school. Our paths were very similar. My family thought he was meant to be mine, that the stars and moon were aligned. My husband and I soon started a practice together.

As my children got older, I wanted to be with them, and that’s how I became a homeschooling mom. After my daughter was born, I stayed at home for the first year. I wound up going back to work. I would not get comfortable with anyone else watching her. We went through nannies and agencies. My grandmother, my mom, my husband and I were juggling schedules. When my second child came three years later, I tried to work out of an office at home. With two kids, it was futile. After you spend seven years in school, it is not a light decision to stay at home, especially given the financial sacrifice.

It came to me in a dream that I was supposed to homeschool. I had no idea what that entailed. I went down the street to the library, and the first person I bumped into was an African American woman, a homeschooling mother and retired teacher who taught at the high school and college level. (She gave me a curriculum and the process for homeschooling in Virginia.) I was thinking I didn’t have the resources. After that my husband came home with an armory of educational DVDs and games. He said, “A co-worker wanted me to give these to you. Her son is too old for them.” Everything he had was age appropriate for our children. That’s when I started to take homeschooling seriously. I was still uncomfortable leaving my job. After some prompting from a friend, I joined Mocha Moms. The first woman I met was an attorney who decided to stay home with her three kids. She wasn’t homeschooling, but she worked in the home. She was so confident and so sure that this was the right thing to do for her family. She felt the attorney thing could take a back seat. It became clear to me that this was something that I could do, that I could be comfortable with this decision regardless of what others said. My county has great schools, listed among the best in the nation. But with homeschooling, my kids have the freedom and flexibility to go and come and learn as they please. Do I sometimes want to pull my hair out? Sure. We have had to give up a whole lot. But you know what, it’s not that important right now. I’m teaching my kids one-on-one and they are learning a lot faster. I have a second grader who is working at the fourth grade level.

We are close to Washington DC and the Smithsonian museums. Last week we were at the National Gallery of Art. We looked at all of the lines and textures, shapes and colors. The kids really enjoyed that. They asked me, “Mommy can we get our own canvas?” We are working on primary colors and using them to make secondary colors. We went to Michaels and the kids created their masterpieces. My daughter was working with a lot of black. My son was using red and blue and yellow because we talked about primary colors. My daughter kept using black. I suggested that she try some other colors. She was creating an image of a girls face. The hair was black, but there were rectangles. There was red on one side and yellow on the other. I was amazed. It took us five hours. That’s an idea of what homeschooling can do and be.

My children are getting the values that my husband and I want to instill in them. They are getting an opportunity to learn. Everyday starts with a bible devotion. We get to do that together. We go different places, and see different things. My children continue to thirst for knowledge and to apply the things that they are learning. We meet other families on Tuesdays at our science COOP. We have a sister school in Nicaragua. We are studying neotropical migratory birds, birds who in the summer and spring fly south to Central American and South American countries. My son (4 years old) already knows which birds are neotropical migratory birds.

African Americans have been homeschooling successfully for a while in the sense that the kids are coming out with high moral standards, are well educated, getting into excellent positions and careers, starting their own families and contributing to their communities. I just don’t think they got their kids together. The first homeschooling group we joined was primarily white. I thought, “There HAVE to be other African American homeschoolers out there.” Generally, COOPs are run by whites that form leagues for their kids: soccer, etc. Once I got into homeschooling and got a network, I met individual African Americans in various COOPs, so I started to associate myself with a lot of different COOP groups. I also started associating with African American groups. The science COOP we joined is run by a set of moms, fifteen persons large. The oldest child is 13 or14 years old.

What’s unique about the benefit of homeschooling for African Americans? I haven’t been in the school system, but based on what I’ve heard, African American boys are labeled very quickly. Homeschooling is a way to keep their self esteem in tact. Also, it seems to me that because the classes are so large, teachers can become focused on the wrong things, like discipline. I don’t know about where you live, but classes can be as large as 30 kids here. African Americans can get left to the wayside and aren’t given individual attention. In homeschooling, you get attention all the time. I have heard horror stories about teachers who are picking on African American kids. In the last three months, I heard a story about a little African American boy. The teacher said he was wiggling too much during nap time. She took a sheet and tied him to the bed. I heard another story about an African American child in private school. This child is very bright. One day his shoe was untied. The teacher told him “No recess for you. Stay at your desk and work.” He missed science one day because he kept talking about a book he wanted to read. I don’t have time for that. A lot of our kids are very bright and become ‘problems’ if they voice an opinion. Another child said the teacher never called on him. It seems like girls have an easier time. Little things like that over time has an effect. Sometimes I think I’ll check out some schools. My friend says “Stay where you are because look what happened today!”

I hope that my kids will be completely secure in the sense that they know who they are and what their purpose is here. I want them to have financial security, a happy family life and to be able to pursue whatever their passion is. I want them to be well adjusted, educated adults. I want them to enjoy their lives and make a contribution, because without being able to contribute something you will not be whole.

Personal Stories

2006-01-31T15:46:00.000-08:00

I WILL have a personal story, but it will be posted late tonight. This week, I interviewed an African American homeschooler. Interesting stuff. See you later!

Happy Birthday LO!!!

2006-01-30T19:20:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: All smiles this morning (I had no idea the kid had so many teeth!) He's so cute!

So LO is officially 5 tomorrow! Can you believe it? His dad and I gave him a chameleon for his birthday. Actually, we got him two chameleons(Lizzie and Buster). These gifts work well for LO because he is a naturalist at heart. It's cool for him because he can watch them change colors and feed them live crickets (If not, we've got problems!) And best of all, they're about $5 each. (plus chameleon accessories, which are let's say more than $5.)

For some reason, I never did connect with Stephen and Johnny this weekend. Remember, I'd planned to take them out. I left messages in advance and the day of, but it just didn't work out. I should probably call this week to see what's up.

It seems we're always giving different gifts. Last year we got LO (not for his birthday, but for fun) a composter full of worms. That's quite a story. It was great until the winter when my husband, worried the worms would freeze,
decided to bring the composter inside the house whereupon he accidentally tripped and fell (of course as a turned the corner). I was horrified to watch the composter lid fly off, and the base turn upside down. The worms and this organic black goo seeped all over my wood floor. It was disgusting. Another 'cool' project that went south. Let's hope the chameleons work out.

I'm On the Verge...

2006-01-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm on the verge of completing 5 interviews: an African American homeschooler, an astronaut, a Pulitzer Prize winner, a veterinarian and a friend from childhood who I respect very much (it's all about integrity). "On the verge" unfortunately means I have nothing for you yet. Forewarned is forearmed: several of these interviews may take a while to materialize, if at all. One, due to scheduling, probably won't happen for another month and a half. Again, I'm trying to stick to those stories that I really want to hear. That makes it tough because I'm picky.

I'm getting to the point where I need to start moving out of my comfort zone, to reach outside of my circle of friends leading extraordinary lives (by my own account). This is one of the biggest personal barriers I need to break through anyway, so I might as well incorporate it into my little project. For some strange reason, posting a commitment on this blog works like a personal contract for me. So far, I've made a commitment to go as far as I can with my mentees and my search for the extraordinary - it's exciting, it's invigorating and it makes me feel alive! I'm giving my heart to my mentees - totally worth it! And my interviews continue to teach me the importance of values, debunking societal myths, following your passion and building the resources to realize those passions. I'm not done yet, and I won't stop until I feel I have learned the lesson I was meant to learn...which leads me to a few questions...

1) Where should I find my next interviewees, and
2) Why should they speak to me?

Where do I get the next interviewees? Well, I'll continue to ask friends if they (or you) know of anyone that might have an interesting story about an extraordinary life. Let's just say my track record during the past two weeks has been poor.

I was thinking last weekend that I would continue to work to expose my son and mentees to different people and environments, for example, the best veterinarian I can find (Johnny would be transfixed), other interesting people I'd like them to meet (they loved the fireman), and special events that I think they'd benefit from (Chinese New Year celebrations). Every time we meet someone interesting, or go somewhere new, they'll get exposure, and I'll attempt to get an interview. The kids get exposure they might not get otherwise (How likely am I to try to invite an astronaut or a Pulitzer Prize winner over for dinner? How likely are we to seek out homeschooling families? How likely am I to schedule a tour with my local animal hospital?) I get one more opportunity to get into the head of someone who I sense has something extraordinary to say. You get a more textured view of our journey.

Why should anyone speak with me? Well, I've got three kids who would benefit tremendously from simply interacting with folks who are intentionally living 'great' lives and who have worked hard to get there.

You may not get an interview once a week, but I'll feel like I have something to say when I post (or why bother?) And as for the long distance interviews, I've found that people are inspired by these stories. They learn about how to be a better parent or teacher or human being in this world. Maybe it's only 50 people here and there, but add it up and your affecting lives.

...Not too shabby for an extended chat with me - right???

VerniceJones06 [at] yahoo [dot] com

I Just Don't Get It (Mr. Bezos)

2006-01-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

Help me understand why I should care. I love Amazon. You might call me an Amazon junkie. Mostly I buy books, and sometimes DVDs and CDs. But now this???

Via the Wall Street Journal

"In an effort to draw in Web shoppers, Amazon.com Inc. said it will begin broadcasting a weekly Internet show featuring comedian Bill Maher and guests from the worlds of books, music and film.

The live, 30-minute Web program - "Amazon Fishbowl with Bill Maher" - will launch June 1. The plan is for 12 episodes, produced and distributed exclusively by Amazon...The Internet retailer's Web site already displays digital content such as reviews and excerpts from books, music and movies alongside product information. For the past two years, Amazon has also experimented with offering its content in different digital formats, such as original short films, videos showing celebrities delivering Amazon products to customers, and a Webcast of its 10-year anniversary show, which featured live performances from musicians Norah Jones and Bob Dylan."

Again I say, why do I care? I don't get it. I don't go to Amazon because it's flashy, or because Oprah tells me too. I like the millions of reviews. I like that since I've bought many, many, many books, Mr. Bezos knows what I like. What about focusing on core competencies? Bill Maher??? Bob Dylan? Huh?

Small Blessings Part II

2006-01-22T05:42:00.000-08:00

I did call Mr. John to confirm that I'm not playing about our deal: good attitude - birthday lunch at restaurant/arcade; bad attitude - nada. As you know we're out of town, and since Johnny is crazy about animals, he wanted to know what we did with Coconut, my dog. Geez. Did I leave him at home? Did I just put alot of food out for him? No, I took him to the kennel, something like an animal hotel. There were many follow up questions.

Anyway, I told him that I had received good reports so far and that I was proud of him. "Keep it up," I said. He wanted to know did he have to do this everyday to go to the restaurant. My answer, an emphatic YES. I told him that I loved him, I knew he could do it and that I would see him next weekend. If this actually works, I'll need to come up with another carrot. I called the animal hospital before to get a tour. They didn't seem to be too interested. I think I call the really good Vet myself and plead my case. That would get to him.

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Please forward anyone you think would be a good profile for the series. (See "Jones Best" to the left, then see all of the personal stories.) I'm looking for folks who are living the dream, or making their mark on the world. Thanks.

VerniceJones06@yahoo.com

Small Blessings

2006-01-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

Per yesterday's post, I had a heart to heart with one of my mentees, Johnny. As a recap, Johnny needs to change the attitude if he wants me to take him and my LO out for their birthdays next weekend. I said that I'd take them to the local restaurant/arcade ($5 each spending change.)

I got a call from Sister Josephine, his guardian, this morning thanking me. His attitude completely changed and he was really touched by the cake. His family sent him nothing for his birthday. Well, what do you know... I may call tonight before we leave for the in-laws to say that I've gotten an encouraging report so far.

We ARE making progress. Yipee!!!

But What About My Plans?????

2006-01-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

What's a woman to do? And I had such great plans... This is yet another story about my mentees. Read some background here

Well, it was Johnny's birthday this week and I was hoping to do something special. John asked Sister Josephine if I would take him out to spend his Toys R Us gift certificate. That was planned for today. I bought a cake, got the obligatory "Happy Birthday Johnny" written on top, bought the candles and proceeded with my plan. We would go to Toys R Us wherein he could use his gift certificate, but I wouldn't buy anything. Then, I would ask if he wanted to stop by the house to visit my Bichon Frise yappy dog which he's crazy about. On the way home, I'd slyly call Mr. Jones and tell him to get ready at any moment to light the candles on the cake. When we arrived at the house, I would flash the lights, come inside, then tell Johnny to close his eyes. We'd all walk into the dinning room table where "surprise" a cake with candles would await him. We'd sit down and eat a slice or two each and I'd take the boys back to church (where Sister Josephine is tonight). (I think I read too many fairy tales as a child!!! This can't be healthy!)

Unfortunately, there were issues with Johnny AND Stephen's attitude. Apparently, what Stephen did it wasn't as bad, so he was able to go (he also had a gift certificate.) Stephen was kind of stand-offish with me and my son. He resents LO (my little one) and can't hide it very well. LO has no idea, but I do. Stephen just wanted the present. And I didn't realize until after I dropped him off at church that he hadn't even said 'thank you.'

I did have a conversation with Johnny. He's a tough cookie and had no reaction at all when he found out he wasn't coming to the store with us. I told him that I wanted to take the three boys out to dinner and the arcade next weekend to celebrate his and LO birthdays, but that Sister Josephine must tell me that his attitude has changed. I, of course, couldn't let it stand like that. I just had to tell him how much I loved him and expected great things of him. That he doesn't know it, but he is smart and a natural leader, and that later in life he will discover even more gifts that God has given him. That maybe he just had to go through something to appreciate his life later on. Probably too much for an 11 year-old I know. I have to be patient. I keep telling myself that, but I don't seem to be getting through (to myself or Johnny).

The interesting part is that Johnny has never been disrespectful of me. I treat him like he is really something special because he is. The problem is that I feel he identifies with being bad. (He's been through so much, so it's not so surprising.) Just like some people's primary identify themselves as being from Texas or New York, some people primarily think of themselves as being a small town person, or being from a particular racial group or gender or class, Johnny thinks of himself as being 'bad.' This can't go anywhere good as he hits adolescence I'm sure. Enough of that. I'll just show him how much I care and 'meet him where he lives.' The rest is going to just have to be what it is.

I don't know ya'll. This stuff is hard.

Mentee Birthday

2006-01-19T04:35:00.000-08:00

Well Johnny's birthday was this week. Johnny is one of my mentees and I thought it was next week. Darn. Apparently, he asked for me to take him to Toys R Us today to use a gift certificate that he received for his B-day. I'm thinking that I won't get him a gift, but instead get him a cake with candles the whole bit. I've got a plan. We're going out of town to see the in-laws this weekend, so I can only do something special with him this week.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Update: Looking for Personal Stories

2006-01-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

I'm curious, does anyone have a great personal story or have a friend who does? I'm interested in folks who have come through some difficult times, but in spite of life's challenges are doing exactly what they were meant to do (and actually believe that), living the extraordinary life they were meant to live (however they define that). O.K., so send me a short description and why you (or your friend) should be included in this little series. I would love to interview a homeschooler who has been homeschooling for a long time and loves it (male or female). All kinds of success stories will do thank you very much! Anyway, I want to continue this series until I feel I've learned what I need to learn (not yet). Thanks for reading.

vernicejones06@yahoo.com

The Little Seed I Planted: Another Personal Story

2006-01-16T06:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Martin Luther King day! Of course I'm at home with LO trying to do it all: telecommute, be a mom, manage the contractors. All in a day's work. And I used to say I couldn't multitask. Ha! I thought I would post this story before I got started with work. I'm glad to see my last post, Steve Job's commencement speech at Stanford, was meaningful to someone else besides me. If you haven't read it, take a look.

The following is a story I've been trying to post for a while. Busy people are so hard to pin down - but they also have the best stories. This story is about a colleague named Grace. I met Grace as a participant in a leadership program at a former company. (She was the instructor.) By her words and by her deeds, you could see that this was a woman who was authentic and quietly powerful. She wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone. She wasn't plastered with makeup or that smile that doesn't fade. She wasn't piled waist high in impressive anecdotes. It didn't bother her when she was challenged (hard) by the most aggressive of participants. It looked like she was in there learning and growing with the rest of us. You can't quantify the benefit of crossing paths with someone who doesn't have an axe to grind, has discovered what they want, is forging ahead to get there and still has such an genuine and generous spirit. I'll be frank and tell you that I don't know Grace very well. I don't know if we have much in common at all. We probably don't have the same sense of humor; probably wouldn't hang out in the same circles. We have very different backgrounds. And still, everytime I talk to her, I feel that deep sense of connection you sometimes have with people that says 'I'm with you.'

It was years ago now that we met during the three day training, but I asked for Grace's information then and have called her from time to time asking for advice. I just knew she would be open to it, and knew she would be helpful. I wasn't disappointed. She has crafted a life that suits her perfectly and is always willing to help someone else receive that same gift. She works part-time at a Fortune 50 company, and does consulting work on the side. She schedules her kids time just like she would any other client. She is living a very comfortable life. What does this say about following your bliss? So it was with great pleasure that I had an excuse to reconnect with Grace and just get to know her a little better. Here's her story.

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Both of my parents are from a small town in Pennsylvania. They met in high school. My father’s father was a coal miner in Pennsylvania. My father used to say that his father was ‘rough.’ I don’t know what he meant by that, but my grandfather may have suffered from alcoholism. My mother’s father was a carpenter. Both grandmothers were housewives. My mother was also the classic housewife. I think my mother said she was 20 ½ when she and my father got married. I would describe our upbringing, my brother, my sister and me, as traditional and somewhat rigid. On Sundays, we couldn’t go out with friends. We couldn’t have friends sleepover our house and we couldn’t sleepover their houses. It wasn’t that my parents were religious or antisocial. They just weren’t real community people. I can remember as a teenager that I was embarrassed by them. I felt they were not with it and needed to lighten up.
I was a good student, but I wasn’t a great student. I went to a small high school. I was Vice President of my class and had good friends, but not tons of friends. My parents were very clear that they were not paying for college. So, I got a college scholarship and went to the least expensive school I could find. Someone told me that if you majored in computer science, you could make lots of money, and that is what I did. I worked the entire time I was in school. In my junior and senior year, I was a Resident Assistant. That paid for room and board. It was an awesome experience. When I graduated in computer science, I received four job offers.

I took a job at an insurance company. Within 2 1/2 years, I was voted ‘future leader’ of the company. I hated the work; however, there was one thing I experienced that was interesting to me. The company was very into diversity, so they picked 18 people (including me) and sent us to training for three weeks. We were trained in diversity conflict management. That hooked me up to a whole different level of feelings. Soon after that, I got married to a fine man who to this day is the master of getting things done. He goes to all the Yankees games; he drives the BMW. I don’t just get things done. I actually feel things. And I was starting to feel like I wasn’t entirely happy in the marriage. When I had my son, it was the first time I was ever in the hospital. It was the first time I ever needed help. I had this C-section and my husband was like “Get on your feet and get moving.” That started me going, “I don’t feel right about this.” After my daughter was born, we got divorced. My husband and I had been separated for a year and went to counseling. I was having severe headaches. The divorce was not ugly. I was not going to have my children say my mommy’s mad at my daddy and my daddy’s mad at my mommy. That was my commitment. The doctor gave me medicine to physically inject into my legs with a needle. One day when I was shooting myself in the leg, I collapsed right on my green carpet. My kids were upstairs sleeping. I was on my knees and that’s really when I started my relationship with God. I was 32. I was spiritually and emotionally drained and in turmoil.

But I believe my ex-husband is the angel that allowed me to ‘own’ my feelings and express them. I took a course called the Landmark Forum. That opened me up to my transformation in a very powerful way. Then I read Gorilla Public Relations by Michael Levine. The recipe from that book launched my consulting practice. Just before that, I got my master’s degree in human resources. I was doing my thesis work. I went to the library; I wrote press releases; I wrote articles; I wrote a book; my book was published. I started speaking wherever and whenever I could. I learned about editorial calendars. Every magazine has an editorial calendar. That means you can target an article to meet their need. That is what I have done, and I’ve never been rejected. It worked not because I’m a good writer, but because I followed the recipe.

What has allowed me to be fairly successful? I always tell people, 50% of the time, you will not feel successful. There were so many times when I was leading a meeting or giving a speech that I felt not attractive, too young, not smart enough. Those were the voices I would hear in my head. It is that conversation with yourself that holds you back. I got to the point that I could finally know that it is not true. If you can do that and keep walking, you can make it. Necessity is the mother of invention. My divorce introduced me to a walk by faith, not by sight. If your life is about material things or the numbers, and not faith, I don’t know what you have. I can remember specifically attending a forum meeting when I was not the speaker, but I needed to network. I would say, “My name is Grace and I am an expert in flexible work arrangements.” I remember people looking at me like I had six heads. Another time I was getting a product design ready for a large human resources organization. My son woke up. I literally deleted the whole file. I thought, “I’ll never make the deadline. I’m a loser. What in the hell am I doing?”

What helped me? I got on the web and typed in human resources association meetings. I looked for any opportunity to go and speak in front of groups. I remember looking in the local newspaper for meetings scheduled during the week. I would call them up. I would say “Here’s my topic. Can I send you information?” There is nothing like connecting content with a person’s face. I picked flexible work arrangements as the content for my work. I was not a generalist. I picked one simple message - changing the question from why do flexible work arrangements to how to make them work. What I do is a fundamental part of me. This is not something I’m interested in, but who I am and how I live. What they see when I’m consulting is me when I’m with my kids; it’s me with my friends. Today, 20%-30% of my work is about flexibility. Seventy percent is about transformational leadership. The feedback that I get from my work with flexible work arrangements is, “this fundamentally altered my thinking.” The feedback I get from the transformational leadership is, “You changed my life.”

What do I hope for my kids? My most immediate hope for my children ages 10 and 12 is that they will stand up at their high school graduation stage and say “I love my mom, dad and step mom. I cannot thank you enough. I know you love me and I love you. You were there for me 110% whether I liked it or not.” I hope that they expand on the level of results and joy I have in my life. I hope they get more results, have more impact, and take joy beyond where I’ve taken it.

In March, my babysitter invited my daughter and me over to see her get ready for her prom. We saw her and others get ready. We rated the girls. The criteria we used:

1) Do we like their dress?
2) Do they look comfortable in their dress?
3) We ranked the boyfriend (how nice etc.)
4) The last ranking was how grateful she was to her parents, friends and boyfriend.

You can be a bitch in the nicest dress, but who would want to be around you? I want to teach my children to have a grateful attitude for living. When my children say “thank you” (thanks for picking me up, thanks for letting me have my friends over), I always say “You’re welcome.” Then I say, “Grateful children are good children.” It is a little seed I have planted that I want them to hear over and over.

Steve Jobs: His Story

2006-01-15T10:43:00.000-08:00

I ran across this story online of Steve Jobs who gave a commencement speech at Stanford University earlier this year. Jobs never received his degree, his parents just couldn't afford to keep him in school. He makes some interesting points about following your creative muse and letting the dots connect themselves from there.

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Thank you. I’m honored to be with you today for your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. Truth be told, I never graduated from college and this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation.

Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories. The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first six months but then stayed around as a drop-in for another eighteen months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife, except that when I popped out, they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking, “We’ve got an unexpected baby boy. Do you want him?” They said, “Of course.” My biological mother found out later that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would go to college.

This was the start in my life. And seventeen years later, I did go to college, but I naïvely chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and no idea of how college was going to help me figure it out, and here I was, spending all the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out, I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me and begin dropping in on the ones that looked far more interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms. I returned Coke bottles for the five-cent deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the seven miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example.

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer was beautifully hand-calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and sans-serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me, and we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts, and since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them.

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on that calligraphy class and personals computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do.

Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college, but it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something–your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever–because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.

My second story is about love and loss. I was lucky. I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents’ garage when I was twenty. We worked hard and in ten years, Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4,000 employees. We’d just released our finest creation, the Macintosh, a year earlier, and I’d just turned thirty, and then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew, we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so, things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge, and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our board of directors sided with him, and so at thirty, I was out, and very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating. I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down, that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure and I even thought about running away from the Valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me. I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I’d been rejected but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods in my life. During the next five years I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the world’s first computer-animated feature film, “Toy Story,” and is now the most successful animation studio in the world.

In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT and I returned to Apple and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance, and Lorene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful-tasting medicine but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life’s going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it, and like any great relationship it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death. When I was 17 I read a quote that went something like “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “no” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important thing I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life, because almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctors’ code for “prepare to die.” It means to try and tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next ten years to tell them, in just a few months. It means to make sure that everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope, the doctor started crying, because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and, thankfully, I am fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept. No one wants to die, even people who want to go to Heaven don’t want to die to get there, and yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent; it clears out the old to make way for the new. right now, the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it’s quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalogue, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stuart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late Sixties, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras. it was sort of like Google in paperback form thirty-five years before Google came along. I was idealistic, overflowing with neat tools and great notions. Stuart and his team put out several issues of the The Whole Earth Catalogue, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-Seventies and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath were the words, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” And I have always wished that for myself, and now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Thank you all, very much.

I love the idea of living today as if it were your last day. It's a good way of keeping you focused on the things that matter to you. And, one day you may wake up and find it true.

Are You My Spiritual Mother?

2006-01-11T15:37:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, several interviews this past week fell through so I wasn't able to post another personal story. And, I'm swamped at work. Between trying to launch this new project, not sacrifice one moment with my LO, do extra work after he goes to bed (because dad is out of town), I've not no time.

I will say a few things about my weekend. Last week Stephen and Johnny came over. I am committed to showing them how much and love and care for them. When I buy them things, I feel (and get treated) like a sugar mama. But when I joke, play and generally treat them like I would LO, the rewards last. So on Saturday morning, after going to the diner, we did homework. Then on Sunday after church, we ate a beautiful dinner I'd spent way too much time preparing the night before. (Now that I have an oven, I act like a chef.) They were thrilled. I got all kinds of compliements on my delicious meal. (Well, who could blame them!)

Then, we started in on the homework again. Johnny wanted to know if he should think of me as his 'spiritual mother.' Stephen thought it was a good idea. It's fine with me. I don't want to overshadow the real mommy though. The time and energy I'm spending on these kids is totally worth it. I still have to draw boundaries like how you treat each other. (You are not allowed to say that your brother's comment is stupid. That's not the way you respect others and I won't allow it. Is that understood?) They're still on their best behavior with me. And I still watch them like a hawk and they know it.

Anyway, I think this is the best visit they've had with me. No bells or whistles. Just family stuff. They won't be able to come this weekend. They had tests this week and Sister Josephine is taking them to this revival at church every day this week, so they'll be exhausted. That's actually good for me. My husband will be home and we'll all watch football. I'll make too many finger foods and we can just chill.

BTW, I did have another personal story interview today which was awesome. I won't be able to write it up until this weekend probably. I also need to add info to Sister Josephine's story. I'll tell you. The life of a mom.

Going The Extra Mile: Another Personal Story

2006-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

This is a story about my mentor, Sister Josephine. She has been such an inspiration to me since I've moved to New York. She introduced me to Stephen and Johnny who have changed my life. They are my special mentees. She continues to show me what true unselfishness is. Not just talk, but she lives a life truly dedicated to others. Here's her story.

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My mom and dad were both born in northern New Jersey. My mother grew up in a very religious background. My parents were always talking about God and always around church. I didn’t understand it at the time, but the seed was planted. My parents separated when I was five. My father gave my brother and me gifts for Christmas, and we never saw him again (until 8 years later by accident). Just like that, my father who was a playboy was completely out of the picture and living a different life. My mom’s family wasn’t happy with their relationship. They wanted more for her, but that’s the way it was. When my parent’s marriage broke down, it was very hard on everyone: my mom, my father, my brother and me. My mother was left with two kids, and had to raise them by herself. A lot of women break down; they can’t handle it, but sometimes breakups are essential for woman’s survival because of abuse.

My mother worked very hard and survived all of that. Single parents do the best they can. They just have to find people to help them and have to be careful who is around their children. My mom was so busy; we still knew she cared for us. We always had food on the table, and clean clothes. I have tremendous respect for my mom. When you grow up in a situation like that, you are a little bit raising yourself. You can’t go out. We had to stay at home a lot. Lots of kids lived like that. After the bus dropped us off, we had to get “right off the bus, and get right into the house.”

I didn’t see my father again until I was 13. He walked by my mom and me and never said hello. My mother didn’t say hello. That was very painful. That was my father. I knew I hadn’t seen him in so many years. The last time I saw him, he had bought us gifts for Christmas. We had to adjust to that. I had to deal with so many emotions at once - not having my father there. I was holding in so much anger because I was holding in love for him. I don’t blame my mother or my father. It wasn’t their fault - they did what they had to do. Now that I’ve taken in so many children, I know that children love their parents and it doesn’t matter if their staying with a guardian or spiritual mother. They never forget. And when they turn 18, they look for their parents.

School was hard because it was all about survival. A lot of my friends didn’t have fathers either. There were always fights. That was just the environment. People always want to pick on you. It felt like everything was violent. I saw positive things too. Some teachers and adults in the community were really trying to do well by their children. That was helpful. We knew we had to graduate from high school to ‘get out.’ I remember at church there were many, many positive programs for youth. It’s important to be able to go to church and get encouragement. My mom was my biggest role model. She was always working; she wasn’t on welfare. Some people do need welfare, but some people don’t. It’s a cycle and some need to come out of it.

I also had an aunt who was a role model for me. She was a wonderful lady. She played a very important part in my life. When we went to visit her in the morning, she would give us breakfast. She would make biscuits. She was like a mother to me. She was so caring. What was more important than any money or gifts she could give was the care. She spent time to make lunch and supper. She got down with the collard greens and biscuits. She would ask so nicely, “Do you want more?” Her name was Aunt Alice. Kids sense if you are a caring person.

After I graduated from high school, I tried to figure out what I wanted to do. At that time, I was just starting to feel like I needed a purpose. I was eighteen then and wanted to do the right thing. When I got out there, in my relationships, it was about what are you going to do for me. I worked for the EOC (Economic Opportunity Council). I was a parent coordinator for Head Start. The children were four and five - those children inspired me. They had issues, bad issues, but they were little troopers. Some needed clothing, others had bigger issues. I just knew I enjoyed it.

When I really gave my life to the Lord, I used to go into a park and give out soup. One day I was giving out soup and felt a little tug on my pants leg, and when I turned to look down there were three cute little kids. I turned around and gave them cookies. At that moment, something sparked in me. I started bringing children into my home to tutor them. We had food and clothes, anything they needed. One child, he was about 6 years old. That little boy, he said, “Am I too early?” He said he hadn’t eaten the night before. Everyone in the community knew that we would take care of them. Even mothers came for formula, diapers, whatever they needed.

When we launched the tutoring program, I felt that education would help the children become positive members of the community. We taught the children how to clean the table after they ate. Many of the children don’t have the basics. What are ‘the basics?’ The basics are like, wash your hands, and hang up your coat (they would just throw them on the floor). If you are leaving the table after a meal, throw your plate away; clean the table. General hygiene in general is an issue – we would say brush your teeth, comb your hair. A lot of kids that I have dealt with over the years didn’t like reading because they weren’t encouraged. We had a Haitian student in our program. She was an A student in elementary school. I tutored her myself. Some teachers encouraged her more than others. She had a teacher, Mrs. Johnson. Mrs. Johnson was excellent. She would tell us exactly what she wanted. She would say, this is how you need to do it and that’s how we did it. Some teachers don’t have patience. They don’t know they have kids with problems. They don’t know that sometimes, you can get more out of the child by encouraging the child. I have two sons. One is in New York and one is in Georgia. Both graduated from college. I always pushed them to get their education and to do better. Their father passed away. He did encourage them, yes he did.

In the community, I would see the children and get to know them as well as their parents. When one mother was deciding whether or not to go into rehab, I said, “I will help you get on your feet.” I took her daughter while she was gone. One time I knew two parents were having problems after they separated. I took in their four kids: one boy and three girls. The boy was six; the girls were eight, nine and eleven. Parent’s break ups are very hard on kids. They lead to a lot of emotional problems.

For many parents, you are a friend or an enemy. You can never look for a pat on the back. Parents can be vicious, but kids can be just as vicious if they don’t like what you are asking them to do. I’ve had social services turn up at my home with some crazy stories that they had to check out. Every child I work with is different. It’s not easy. Most of the time, you see their pain. It’s not like you get use to it. You have to learn their way. You have to create an environment where they feel safe and comfortable, and sometimes children still don’t respond to you because they have such a longing for their parents.

I am taking care of two boys right now, Stephen (9) and Johnny (10). They have been the most challenging children I’ve taken care of. Before they came to me, they had to go to the hospital because they had marks on the back of their head. They would throw cars at each other. When children go to the hospital a couple times hurting themselves, something is going to happen. And then there was a fire. You can’t explain why they can’t see their mother. It was hard for the two young boys to adjust. The court said they couldn’t be alone with their mother; the father had to be present all the time. But you can’t replace a mom. The boys were robbed, robbed of a mother’s touch, robbed of her walks with them, robbed of having a mother to just do things with them. Sometimes John would be so angry he would just bite his hand. Now, he just shuts down. What gets you about Stephen is that he doesn’t talk like he is nine years old. He sounds like he is much younger. He hasn’t had a chance to be a little boy. Stephen wants to call me Grandma. Right now, this is the safest place for him. John is having more trouble than Stephen. He thinks everyone is against him. Emotionally, neither of them is stable. I always instill in every child, there is a future for you, and my goal to get you back with your parents.

Once, their mother came to my house unannounced. There was a court order and she wasn’t allowed to come in. It broke my heart. John said, “Are you’re going to send my mama away?” I allowed her to speak to them from outside. She was just outside the screen door and was seriously checking the boys out like a bear checks her bear cubs. She said, “Don’t you ever forget that I’m your mother.” I told them to tell her “I’ll never forget.” She couldn’t touch her children, and she couldn’t come in. That must have been hard on her. These kids have been through so much. They have seen so many bad things. You can’t expect them to function perfectly. They still function and try to make something of their lives.

What are my hopes for the children? My biggest hope is that they will have a relationship with God and that God will help them be the best they can be. I hope that when they see children’s fighting, they will not fight. I hope that they will see a bag lady and have compassion, not to look at people as society does, but as human beings who need help and hope just like everyone else. I hope that the children will go back into their schools of their youth and make a difference. I hope they help their communities so those communities can emerge. I hope they get their education. No dropouts. All through the bible, God uses children. That is a wonderful thing.

What's Wrong With A Little Privacy?

2005-12-28T17:32:00.000-08:00

Maureen Dowd is at it again. In today's New York Times, and in a way that only Maureen could, she rails about Vice President Cheney and his penchant for 'secrecy.' (It's a Times Select article.) She says:

The vice president, who believes in unwarranted, unlimited snooping, is so pathologically secretive that if you use Google Earth's database to see his official residence, the view is scrambled and obscured. You can view satellite photos of the White House, the Pentagon and the Capitol - but not of the Lord of the Underworld's lair.

Vice is literally a shadow president. He's obsessive about privacy - but, unfortunately, only his own.

I think I'd be a little obsessed with privacy too if I were in his position, but I do agree that at some level, government policy should be transparent, or else. (Abu Ghraib is a pretty good example.) But that got me thinking about my own sense of privacy. I have been told before that I can seem guarded. (Not by my closest friends, but there is obviously something to it.) I do guard certain parts of my life with the same obsession and protectiveness as any vice president. Sometimes its simply because its not anyone's business but mine (and perhaps a few confidants); sometimes its about preventing people from trying to collect more ammunition to swipe me with (I have enough bruises already thank you very much). Sometimes I just don't feel like sharing. But I've always been amazed at how people think of others (in this case me), my personal decisions, my relationships and my time as their honest entitlement. Boggles the mind doesn't it? Thankfully, I'm come a long way.

Having said all that, it's still incredibly irritating. Sometimes I want to say, "Don't you have anything more productive to do?" (Not a very nice thought, huh?)

Holiday Mentoring: Battling History and Personal Myths

2005-12-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks. No 'personal story' this week. I'll resume interviews as of next week.

I did learn something interesting this week though. This may not be a newsflash for you (especially for those of you that are teachers), but it was new to me. I realized something when I had my mentees over for Christmas dinner this weekend.

For those of you who haven't followed my mentoring story, you can read the history. Start here. And if you want some updates, see here, here, here and here

I learned that you have got to meet a child where they 'live' to encourage learning and self discovery, and then be prepared for some hard work. I also learned that I've got to be patient. This is hard for me, because I want things to move quickly. I want to see results. I want them to feel confident and loved and have all the skills they'll need to live the lives they want to live. But history is a complicated thing. Even in the mind and heart of a nine or ten year old, there is just so much history. What I learned is that when I speak to these children, I am speaking to everything they have experienced or thought about for their entire little lives. It's a lot to think about and sometimes feels overwhelming. Chill out Vern. Take it a day at a time (that's what I'm telling myself.) For Christmas, I wanted to show my mentees a good time and that started with some meaningful Christmas gifts. That was the idea.

From our Saturday morning visits to the library, I knew that Stephen liked superheroes, so for Christmas, I bought him the Ultimate Spiderman. Its a collection of comics. His favorite superhero IS Spiderman, after all. I also thought it might be interesting to get him a black superhero comic. So with a slightly warmer than lukewarm recommendation from a random African American comic book enthusiast at my local Borders, I also bought The Black Panther by James Kirby. As you will see from the Amazon reviews, it doesn't get rave reviews, but it's my attempt to introduce Stephen to other characters. Who knows if he will take to it, but it was worth the effort.

Johnny, the older of the two, and the one who is in many ways struggling the most, received a book on how to draw. I can't remember the author's name, but he was pleased. I asked for a drawing or two before he left. I wanted a little something to put up, but I also wanted him to realize how cool the gift could be. Both he and Stephen used the book to make some sketches. Stephen drew a plesiosaur for LO (he knows LO loves the dinosaur age). Johnny drew a shark and a whale. Johnny suggested that he could draw when he was sad. (I was all over that.) I agreed and said he could also draw whenever he became angry or frustrated or mad. I think he finally got the point. Johnny is a bit of a loner. His inclination is to internalize things, so this could be an outlet of sorts.

Meanwhile Stephen is feeling a little left out. He is a bright, sensitive and social child - very impressionable, taken in by T.V., video games and wants to 'fit in.' He's trying so hard to impress me. He wants my husband to accept him. He wants me to love him. And he is constantly fearful that no one does. I think he is also struggling with his reading comprehension and attention span. He tried to read the comic book for maybe 45 minutes, but then I guess it was just too much. He became moody and said he wished he could play. By then it was dinner time. My husband asked why he hadn't played instead of reading. He was unresponsive. Then I kind of weighed in. Sometimes he tries to control you with his moodiness. I had to follow up with a series of hard questions which ended with, "After all the cooking and trying to make this a special day for you guys, does your attitude make me want to invite you over again, yes or no? He admitted the answer was no, and quickly bopped up to say that he just needed to talk to someone to feel better. Now, he said, he was perfectly fine to have dinner.

I always had this image of what this mentoring experience would be like. This is not what I expected. At dinner, both boys couldn't wait to tell me all the things they would not eat. (We don't do that.) I, of course, can't make these kids eat anything. I'm not their parent and they don't live with me. But I can say (which I did) that I don't want to hear what you don't want. Tell me what you do want. This, I repeated several times. After dinner, we played games, watched two movies and I took them home. They arrived home full of stories about games, gifts and a good time. They were happy.

I worked so hard to be firm and at the same time, once it was over to let things go quickly. I felt like I was constantly correcting language, manners and behavior. I don't know if it is the right way to go about this, but I reinforced my values and it felt like a decent way to keep this relationship going.

What's interesting has to do with my son, my little one (LO). My four year-old has more tolerance for literature than the nine and ten year-old. No one has told him yet that children's literature is not cool or is boring. He never learned not to be patient if there are a few words that he doesn't understand or a part of the book he doesn't get. He doesn't know yet that stretching the brain is a turn off (like work with manipulatives, or Chinese, or whatever.) To be fair though, my son also hasn't learned that everyone is not interested in this kind of thing. He thinks absolutely everyone is going to be intrigued by his Chinese or share his interest in dinosaurs. Unfortunately, one day he'll learn this the hard way. And lastly, he's an only child. So that means as parents we find almost everything he says interesting or funny. That's going to come back to bite him too. I'd be willing to bet alot of money on it.

That was our Christmas. I wish I could just pull all three out of school and homeschool them. But that won't happen. So, my new goal is to continuously meet them where they live (Spiderman, drawing, marine animals, dinosaurs), stretch them and continue to pick them up and encourage them. Most importantly, I want to be an influence in their lives for a long time. It's a long journey and I don't even know where we'll be a year from now. But it's a fine investment in the future. It's a decent investment of my time.

Have An Authentically Fabulous Christmas!!

2005-12-23T13:47:00.000-08:00

I hoped you liked the last Personal Story of my friend Sophia. It's starting to get more and more difficult to schedule conversations because, of course, everyone is so busy. It's still worth it. It is important to me to keep this going. This experience is helping me figure out what I truly value. After all, I usually have one, and more recently two, hour-long interviews and I determine which parts to keep and which to edit out. Again, What is worth highlighting? What are the things about this person that really make them special? Generally, the things I value are the things that I want for my own life (perhaps I just haven't realized that part of myself yet.) It is a quest for a more authentic life- more internally focused, less externally focused. I'm spending too much time letting other people or society tell me what to value. And so, I am approaching my life and the holiday season with new eyes, and a new spirit. And I am starting right now. The following are my Christmas presents to myself:

1) I WILL have a no stress Christmas.
Everyone will not get a Christmas card this year and that's O.K. If I give a gift, it WILL be meaningful and heartfelt. I will cook what I want to eat. (Since I'm the only one cooking.)
2) I WILL tell all of my closest friends and family (and mentees) how much I love them this Christmas. I WILL give them my full undistracted attention during this conversation and I WILL mean every word of it.
3) I WILL spend time during the holiday to read up on the birth, life and death of Jesus. It's the only way to have a personal relationship with him and I deserve that.
4) I WILL remember that the season can and should extend throughout the year.
4) I WILL NOT tolerate anyone or anything keeping me from concentrating on these goals and other areas of my life that matter to me.

A pretty good list, don't you think? I feel on top of the world today and filled with the spirit.

HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY Y'ALL!!!

Becoming Radicalized and Getting Back to Asia: Another Personal Story

2005-12-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

I finished a conversation just now with a friend of mine, Sophia. I continue to learn so much about my friends, and myself. It's impossible to schedule time with busy people, but this is a conversation I really wanted to make happen. I probably had three or four conversations (O.K., there WAS some chatting in between). She is Canadian and speaks 5 languages (Russian, Chinese, Japanese, French, English), but what is most interesting about Sophia is that she has totally crafted a life of success that is hers and hers alone. Throughout her life, she has done exactly what she has wanted to do. She gets an idea and nothing is going to stop her from achieving her goals. Her Ph.D. is in political science, but she is now working in Mysore, India with married women who have HIV AIDS. She is a yogi, a feminist, a vegan and a free spirit. She recently added photographer to the list. She has never had a nine-to-five job. Hers is a great lesson in 'following your bliss.' Certainly she could have worked for some think tank or could have put herself on tenure track at some prestigious la la university, but decided to move in the direction that spoke to her heart.

I met my friend Sophia in China in 1996. She still rocks. Here's her story.

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My grandmother, born in Belgium, came to New York city, THE city, with her mother in the early 1900s. Her father came first to find a job. My grandmother grew up in New York and eventually went to a two-year secretarial college. My grandfather was a civil engineer who helped design the New York subway system. My grandparents couldn’t get married right away because of the depression -my grandfather wanted a proper job. They did finally get married and my grandmother had three daughters. My mother was the oldest. When my mother was 14, they all moved to Long Island. My grandfather didn’t think his daughters should go to college, but my grandmother put her foot down and they all went.

My mother went to Barnard and majored in history. In her senior thesis, she argued that Soviet communism and Chinese communism were ‘fundamentally different and ultimately incompatible.’ Her professor told her she was an idiot and gave her a 'C.' A few years later, the Sino-soviet split happened. So you see, she was right! After she graduated, she married my father, a graduate student at Princeton. They met at a mixer at Princeton and got married three months later. He was 35 years old and she was 21. They moved up to Canada because my father got a job as a professor there. My mom decided to learn Russian, so she started her Ph.D. in Russian literature. She had me and my sister during that time.

My mother was very liberal. I mean that in a good way. I never remember curfews in high school. I felt like my mom trusted me. She read to us. She would sometimes read to us for several hours in the afternoon and on weekends. We didn’t have a television. She read us the whole Chronicles of Narnia series before I started first grade. She read us, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. The book had a profound effect on me. I often feel like I am Lucy, walking through the back of the wardrobe into the magical world of Narnia where I‘ve met the fawns, the centaurs, the dwarfs, the witch. – all of them. Every time I get off a plane in another country, I feel like I’m living out the adventures that I read as a child. Those books, they instill the feeling of awe, intrigue and the desire to discover something new. When I was 12 and my sister was 10, we moved to Paris for a year. My father had a sabbatical. It was my mother who wanted us to go to Paris to be French bilingual. In Canada, I always got As in school. In France, I was almost failing from day one. (I was the only foreigner in my class.)

My mother did do one thing phenomenally well - she taught me how to write. I would show her my essays. She would look them over and suggest ways that I could write them better. She would also suggest bigger words that I could use. She taught me how to write persuasively and beautifully. It has been a huge bonus in my life. I could get good grades. I could get into a good college. I can write a good grant proposal. That’s how I’ve been supporting myself for years. I can effectively communicate to others those ideas that I believe. After all, if you can’t effectively and persuasively communicate your ideas to others, then your ideas are useless.

In my high school, I was the only kid who went to college outside of Canada. My mother was extremely involved. Princeton started taking women in 1969. By the time I went there in 1982, the student body was one third female. My mother told me how to apply, typed my application forms for me and I was thrilled to find that I was accepted. I couldn't believe it.

In my second year at Princeton, I dropped out. I had so many things going on in my life. My parents were getting divorced and my mom was very sick. (She died when I was 27. She was 52.) During that year, I worked as a chambermaid in Vanff [a resort area in western Canada].

I went back to school to finish at Princeton. The first traveling I did in college was the summer after my junior year. I went to the Soviet Union for a two-month Russian language program. I loved it and decided I would go back when I could. I wanted to learn to speak Russian well. And I also wanted to develop the friendships I had made there. I decided to learn Chinese in my senior year. I had wanted to study an Asian language for ages and senior year was my last chance. I went off to China and had a job teaching English for a year in Dalian. It was very difficult in the beginning. It was the poorest place I’ve ever been in my life. It was 1987. I couldn’t figure out how to buy milk because milk was rationed and you needed a coupon. I couldn’t get any green vegetables in the winter. My students were too poor to buy themselves a pair of glasses and they were hungry at the end of the month. It took some adjusting. (After a few months, I did figure out how to get milk without a coupon – I could order it through the guest house where I lived.)

I wanted to figure out a way to go to Russia to learn Russian. I asked people who were traveling. What is a good way to earn money? I was told, “Go to Japan, teach English and come back.” For four months I worked in Japan for 7 days a week. I had several day jobs and a night job. One of my first jobs was handing out pizza samples in front of an Italian restaurant. They wanted a white person. I finally saved enough money to go back to the Soviet Union (it was the Soviet Union then) for three months with a group of Canadian students. After three months, I found a way to extend my visa and stayed. That’s when I learned Russian. I stayed on for an extra two months. I lived with people who only spoke Russian. You really learn from interaction. There were days and days when I never spoke any English. Eventually, I wanted to do something interesting and challenging, so I decided to go to graduate school. From the time I left college to the time I started graduate school (4 years), I was in Asia or Russia. I spent one year in China, two years in Japan, and six months in Russia.

In graduate school, I spent three years taking courses. I really wanted to find a way to get back to Asia. The first three years of graduate school were not bad. I learned Japanese. I felt it was a failing on my part that I spent two years in Japan and had not learned Japanese. In my third year, I wrote grant applications to do research in Russia, China and Japan and got funded. I ended up spending three more years in Asia, all on grants. I was determined that I would go back to Asia. If the grants didn’t work, I would have found another way. I went back to the States to write up my dissertation. Writing my dissertation took a really long time – 6 years. I myself wasn’t clear on the topic. I’d done the research but I wasn’t clear on how to pull it together. And the interaction between me and my advisor was not helpful to me in moving forward. Graduate school is an elite, competitive atmosphere. It is hierarchical, it is undemocratic, and I was finally realizing that the reason people weren’t taking me seriously was because I was a woman and not because I was stupid. During that that time, I became radicalized.

1) I became a feminist.
2) I became serious about my yoga practice.
3) I became a vegan.
4) I became passionate about animals and animal rights.
5) I came to love my yoga world so much that I wanted to move to India as soon as I finished my dissertation come hell or high water and stay for a long time practicing yoga. (Now I live in Mysore, India and have been here for two years.)

I read some feminist books that helped me: The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan;
Sexual politics by Kate Millet; Moving Beyond Words by Gloria Steinem.

Right now I live in India and I work on married women with AIDS. I remember one of my students who drowned when I was in Dalian, China. He was 18 and he was trying to keep up with the other kids who knew how to swim. He didn’t. He was from Inner Mongolia and came from a poor family. At university, they didn’t teach students how to swim. They DID have state mandated military training. So he knew how to shoot a gun but he couldn’t swim. It wasn’t just water that killed that boy. It was poverty, ignorance, prioritizing military training over common sense safety, and machismo. That’s when I understood that you need to look beyond the immediate causal factors, water or even ability to swim and understand the roots of suffering. And in a way, that’s what I work on now – the social political, and cultural roots of people’s suffering. What are the circumstances that led to these women’s vulnerability to infection?

My hope for women here in India is that they can
1) Choose their husbands;
2) Go to school;
3) Go to university;
4) Wear a bathing suit and learn how to swim;
5) Be free from violence in their lives.

Sophia has graciously offered to give advice about school or travel: RussianSophia@yahoo.com.

Diabetes: You Can't Catch Me

2005-12-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

I read an article in the paper this weekend. I think it was a misdiagnosis of diabetes. It started me thinking: I have got to cut down on the sugar. My brother has diabetes after all and he had a sweet tooth like you wouldn't believe. So now that I've successfully steered clear of caffeine for two weeks (yipee!), I've decided to do something about my sugar intake.

I love fruit juices, but this weekend I realized that even those expensive 'fancy' juices have as much and sometimes more sugar than soda. Even the 'no sugar added' juices have a lot of sugar. And then there is the fact that all sugar is not made equal. My brother introduced me to some kind of cactus sugar (agave I think) that diabetics can drink. So this weekend I bought almond milk (I've bought it before, but not as a staple), organic pear juice (the least sugar in the lot), something like a V8 juice (different brand though - this one is fresh) and water of course. Man, is it painful. I've probably gained weight since cutting out caffeine (I'm substituting sugar and salt.) Now, I'll just cut out another vice.

Wish me luck!

Chinese Class: LO Wins An Award

2005-12-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

So we just came from Chinese class - 10:00 pm! Gee. You think that's late enough?

Last week there was a speech "competition". All the students, as a group, recited their little puppy and duckling poems. Today they receive little medals for their accomplishment. So cute! Today, the painting cultural class had a competition by age group. The students displayed all their masterpieces from the beginning of the semester. They even broke artwork by age groups up so everyone got an award. LO got a blue ribbon (he's the only four year old in this class.) Needless to say he was thrilled!

One interesting development: two of the parents in the language class wanted to know if we study Chinese during the week (or, as one put it, does LO have a fantastic memory) and isn't it nice that LO is the favorite student? I'm not sure what that's about. I'm working on my sarcasm, so I said that I didn't think LO was the only student who knew the poems (all you have to do is say the poem a few times the day before and the day of class - sheesh!) And, I said, I'll consider her comment a compliment. Then she said it was only a "left handed compliment"...Whatever. Can't we all just get along? There are several parents though who are extremely kind to LO and I (including the teacher). And, that's life. It's not nice, or fun to deal with, but it is what it is. So, we'll keep it up until LO tells me he'd rather not go.

The Question of the Day: Encouraing Critical Thinking for the Underpriviledged

2005-12-16T04:51:00.000-08:00

I'm still having conversations with friends from all walks of life, from all backgrounds, that have been through all kinds of circumstances. Now I have the benefit of being a few interviews ahead of you. (See personal stories to the left under Jones' Best.) I'm noticing one big missing element for children who were underprivileged as a child.

CRITICAL THINKING. Wow.

It can be compensated for, but hard to make up for if you weren't encouraged to question things, norms, etc. as a child. (That's an assumption, of course.) I wish I could convey this better. I don't just mean ask questions, but to go through the mental exercise of questioning everything. Education, love, spiritual grounding are also important pillars of growth and learning. What about the ability to question your worldview, think it through and then know where you stand and why?

Here's my question...What can be done to encourage critical thinking for children who aren't getting that at home? And, (O.K. I'm going to squeeze in a few other questions) can you really teach that to someone in class? And if that's not your parenting style today, how DO you incorporate that 'question everything' mindset in everyday living???

Bush Supports Law to Ban Torture

2005-12-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

President George W Bush has announced he will support a new law banning cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of terrorist suspects. Sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain, the law on torture has been the subject of months of negotiations between Congress and the White House...The law's supporters argued that it would repair some of the damage done to America's international standing by detainee abuse scandals in Iraq and Afghanistan.

After being a prisoner of war for 5 years in Vietnam, Senator John McCain has convinced enough of his peers that torture as a government strategy is a bad idea. I happen to think so too. It's a loose-loose situation.

Both the Senate and the House are in favor of the bill that bans prisoner torture. McCain says his amendment will prohibit "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment." That includes the CIA. The good news is that the law is also supposed to protect prisoners in U.S. custody regardless of where in the world they are being held. Today, according to Secretary of State Rice, detainees are sometimes (who knows how often) flown abroad for "interrogation."

As Americans, we love to hold ourselves and society up as a role model for democracy, respect and fairness. I'm O.K. with holding ourselves to high standards. It's the right thing to do and we could use a little global image repair.

Finding My Way: Another Personal Story (Part II)

2005-12-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

When I went to college, my first semester, students were already protesting the war. I was definitely raising my awareness of race, but race was still a black and white issue for me. I didn’t know where I fit in. My parents sent me and my brother to Taiwan to ‘regain our identity.’ It was Chang Kai-shek’s government summer camp. They said, “We will teach your children Chinese.” Other Mandarin Chinese students in the summer camp, their parents were doctors and lawyers, their kids were all going to Harvard and Yale. When I went to Taiwan, the kids were much more like me. I kind of found myself as a Chinese American.

When I arrived in Madison, only 186 out of 40,000 – 50,000 of the students were Asian -that didn’t count foreign students. By then, I had regained some pride in being Asian. (Before I’d wanted to be white.) What radicalized me was how the police treated the protesting students. You ended up protesting because the police were beating the sh*t out of the students. I began to read up on the war and I realized we weren’t being told the truth.

My consciousness was growing all over the place. I was a sponge, soaking up so much. I led two distinctly different lives. Madison was the probably the best place to become politically educated because everything was happening. I started the Asian American organization on campus. My white friends would say, “Why are you starting that group? You are American like me.” I would say, “That’s because you know me, if you didn’t know me you would treat me like I’m a foreigner.” I had heard them talking about ‘foreigners.’ Everyone knew me as head of the Asian American group. I used to be out there making speeches about how Vietnam was a racist war. Then, in afternoons or evenings, in bathrooms, I was meeting closeted gay man. Men’s library bathrooms were places where closeted gay men met. Nobody was out of the closet. I didn’t go to a gay bar until 1973 when Kenny dragged me, and Kenny was not even gay. We got there and the men weren’t in dresses.

Even though I was in the closet and didn’t tell anybody, I didn’t stress out. I knew I wouldn’t tell my parents, so that wasn’t an issue. Once I began going to gay bars, I realized I needed to come out to other demonstrators. There weren’t many of us, people who were political and lesbian or gay. You didn’t get a sense you could talk about it freely. You got the sense you were in two different worlds. The people in the anti-war movement were pretty much white accept for me and a few other people. Then in the end, in late evening, I was going to gay bars every night. Most of the guys were white and didn’t want a foreigner so I hung out with the African American and Latino gay and lesbians. I decided there was no way I could fully come out in Madison. I wanted to do progressive work. People were fine that I was gay, but they were just polite. It was their own homophobia playing out.

There was a whole movement that supported looking at alternative values and overthrowing the establishment. It wasn’t just being anti-establishment, it was overthrowing the establishment. It was a very exciting time to be in. Even though there were conservatives in power, there were enough radicals in place to counteract that. I got involved in the anti-war movement, and the local labor movement. At that time, Gardner’s bread workers were on strike; Holmes Tire workers were on strike. What happened was a lot of people involved in the anti-war movement were connecting with local people. I learned that things were interconnected. It was not just about the war over there, but how people were treated here.

I know that our student groups wanted to support local workers. Madison was one of the three college campuses supporting the war through defense contracts. University of Michigan at Ann Arbor was the second institution and the third may have been Princeton. Intense research was happening on campus’s, on computerizing the war. I didn’t finish school right away and moved to San Francisco. I came back to Madison to finish my degree later. I went to San Francisco for two reasons. 1) I wanted to work in China town and 2) I wanted to come out (this was before we knew about AIDS). It was a 1 ½ - 2 year vacation. I was on new turf. I went out in evenings and met people. My first jobs were with gay employers. I submerged myself in the gay community. I also tried to work in Chinatown. When they found out I was gay, I was kind of blacklisted. Someone once said, “In some ways he is more politically on target than anyone else. Too bad he’s gay.”

One of the students I had worked with in Madison came to New York. He was a historian and came to New York to become a professor. He became a professor in Asian American studies at Hunter. I co-taught a course in Asian American studies. We had 20 students and broke them into 3 work groups. That was my introduction to New York. I had a ball! I had quite a few jobs after that. After I worked in the public school system for a year, I was offered an opportunity at Project Reach, and saw it as an opportunity to start my own program. The director of Project Reach at that time was my classmate at Madison. I had heard of Project Reach before. Everyone knew it dealt with Chinese gang groups. I ended up talking him into hiring me to run the program. They do a lot of good social service work for Chinese Americans. The director knew I was gay. Initially, it was only a counseling program. In the summer program, I started to do anti-discrimination training. I included other young people of color. It made sense to do lesbian and gay stuff too.

The AIDS epidemic began as we know it in 1981. For myself, when I first heard people were dying, it was gay white men, not good but at least I felt it didn’t include me. Four years later two Pilipino men were infected and died. Everybody that I know that was diagnosed with HIV AIDs died within two years. It was really scary. All these guys, it was unbelievable how many people were passing away. It didn’t hit too close to home for me. Most of my closest friends were O.K. Every time I had a cold, I would ask my brother [a doctor] if he thought I had HIV. He would say no. He never said get tested. He had treated me for an STD. In the gay male subculture, there were no standards. We weren’t accepted anyway so it didn’t matter. Some gay men who were catching this disease, I heard on the news, had 1000 partners in one year. Well, in San Francisco, in a bath house, I would play with four to five guys. Even you added it up, even five people a week is 250 people. And I thought Uh-oh. I fit the profile - that also made me not want to get tested.

In 1983/1984 I had two incidents that happened that were unexplainable. I got very sick and dehydrated and had to go to the hospital. And, I got a really bad cold. My brother said it’s O.K., it’s just ‘walking pneumonia.’ My brother was in denial. I ended up going to get tested. I was seeing this guy who was really in the closet. I didn’t start using protection until 1984. I had been with this guy for two years. We had played without protection, and then in 1984 we thought we better start using protection. My friend decided he would go in with me. We went in together. Fortunately he came out with negative result. I tested positive. It was 1992.

In terms of my daughter, Alice, she is 28 now. You know when I raised her with Steve, I think what was most important for us, that she be in as multiracial community as possible. I had never thought of raising a white child. I had always worked with children of color. When we started raising her it was pretty clear that she kind of took a liking to me. Steve was more of the disciplinarian. I was all about giving her space and decision-making. I always wanted to expose her to as much as possible so she could make her own decisions. Also I wanted her to be critical because there is so much propaganda out there. Her being a white child, blond hair, blue eyes, she fits the stereotype of the attractive female. As she was growing up, I realized she had every right to have black role models and Asian role models. I think there were times I scared her, from my own anger about racism. She didn’t understand it because she didn’t experience it the way I did. When she was 13, she asked me,” what would you do if you if I told you I was pregnant?” I said, “I don’t know Alice, let’s wait till you come home and tell me.” I wanted her not be afraid to tell me something. I wasn’t going to give her the answer. She would have to think about it. I always believed that by her and I communicating in an ongoing sort of way, she would develop a complex sense of the world. I always gave her the sense that I trusted her to make good decisions.

Finding Myself: Another Personal Story

2005-12-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

Here's a friend of mine who is 53. I'll call him Dan. Dan is an incredible, socially conscious guy; he's one of those people who you immediately feel can accept and respect you. He's another one of those people who can be comfortable in any situation and any group of people. He is brilliant and kind. Nothing seems to phase him, not even his battle with HIV. This is Part I of a two-part series. Tomorrow, I'll blog about Dan's coming out, his nonprofit organization and raising his daughter, Alice.

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My parents were born and raised in Northern China. They met when they were in medical school in World War II while the Japanese occupied China. Their school was constantly on the move in freight trains to avoid being taken over by the Japanese.

My parents came from an upper middle class background. My father’s father owned a silk factory. During that time, rayon came to be, so he went bankrupt. My mother’s father was mayor of a town. He was killed trying to escape from the Japanese. He tried to jump into the river and was shot. My mom lived in a compound. All of her relatives were in the same compound (about 40 people). It sounded like a very large area.

Finally the war ended in 1945. By 1947, my father, a surgeon, opened up a hospital during Chang Kai-shek’s regime. The hospital ended up being taken over by the communists. My parents came to the U.S. to study and wanted to take their knowledge back to China. While they were in the U.S., the revolution happened. They were devastated, and couldn’t go back. The hospital they worked in became a nationalist hospital. If they had gone back, they probably would have been killed. The other tragic thing is that my older sister, who was only two years old when they left, stayed in China until my parents could bring her out. She is seven years older than I am. I didn’t meet her until 1978. So I was 27 when I finally met her.

In 1951, I was born. I have a twin brother. We were born in Wilmington, Delaware. My mother ended up doing geriatric research as a biochemist. At the same time, my father was trying to learn as much as he could to go back to China. He ended up going into private practice. We lived in Florida until I was six. My mother was away all week until the weekend and my father was interning at the local Tuberculosis hospital. Then, my parents decided we couldn’t live in Florida. We packed up, drove north and stopped in small towns. My father would get out and ask if they needed (general practice) doctors.

We made our last stop in Brunswick Maryland near the Appalachian Mountains. It is a small, railroad town. We were about 1 ½ hours outside of Washington DC. There were only 3500 people. There were probably 200 blacks and 5 Asians. From the time I was 6 until 14, I lived in that town.

In Maryland, we attended school in a one story sprawling school building. I remember the first day of school. My brother and I were walking down the hall. The students were calling us names. As we were walking down the hall, we first encountered the 6th grade and then 5th. What bothered me was that none of the teachers stopped them. It made me and my brother think that there was something wrong. What I learned was that I was a foreigner. I was born in this country, but whenever I walked into a new space, I never got the sense that I was American. I always felt like I was a foreigner.

Of the 100 students that graduated from high school, five went to college. My parents were worried, so they sent us to a boy’s boarding schools for high school. From the time I was 14 we were away from home in boarding school. It was like going away to camp but not coming home. I remember every night in bed thinking how lucky I was. I could go home. School was easy. It wasn’t that competitive. At the first boarding school, my nickname was Chink. I remember inviting a friend from childhood to the school. I remember walking behind the school. A bunch of seniors leaned out and said, “hey chink how are you doing?” It was almost a term of endearment. It didn’t bother me. My friend said, “Do a lot of people call you that.” I said “Yeeeeah.” (Even though being called that earlier in my life was so painful, it hadn’t occurred to me that this wasn’t a good thing in high school until then.) It wasn’t until I went to Taiwan, that I realized many Asian Americans either we grew up wanting to be white, or if you wanted to be Chinese, you weren’t Chinese enough because you didn’t speak Chinese.

I was there for three years and then transferred to Lawrenceville [an extremely competitive private boarding school] in my senior year by my own choice. When my brother and I arrived at Lawrenceville, they stereotyped us as being exceptional in math and science. The counselor put us into AP Chemistry and AP Physics. I didn’t know that Calculus was a prerequisite for AP Chemistry and AP Physics, and we weren’t prepared. They put us in all three of the classes at the same time. I dropped from #1 at the first boarding school to 125 of 170 at Lawrenceville.

I remember until 18, I wanted to be white. It seemed like it would be so much easier. I always got the sense that we [my twin and I] didn’t fit in. When we came into town, the mayor welcomed us and put us on the front page of the paper. My father got introduced to the church, a southern Baptist church. I joined the Royal Ambassadors, kind of like the Cub Scouts. As we got older, you were really a goody two shoes if you became a Boy Scout. A number of us, instead joining the boy scouts, joined the Royal Ambassadors because it was easier. We did whatever we wanted. I invited Kenny who was black to become a member. The church never stopped me, but black people were never allowed to come to church. They were always teaching us “Jesus loves all the children of the world, black and yellow red and white their all equal in his sight.”

Basically, the Royal Ambassadors were all white, me and my brother and Kenny. Kenny’s father was an alcoholic and was poor. He lived in the closet of his parent’s bedroom because the house was so small. That changed when he got to be of driving age.

I was away at boarding school. It was a big deal for seniors to go to Atlantic City. I got a letter from white kid (It was 1968 – things had gotten much more volatile). It said he wouldn’t be able to go on this trip to Atlantic City if Kenny goes. How can we sleep in the same bed with a ni**** and how can we go to a restaurant with this ni**** and it went on and on throughout the whole letter. I was so upset, I was shaking. I sent him back a letter. In the letter, I said, George using your terms, you’re the blackest person I know. Needless to say he never talked to me again. I held on to that letter. I ended up meeting with Kenny. I was afraid if I told Kenny, he would beat the sh*t out of George. I just felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt the only person I could talk to was Kenny. I didn’t know what to do. We went without Kenny, and I felt so badly. That next fall I shared that letter with Kenny. I told him, “you have to promise me you’re not going to do anything.” And then I showed him the letter. “ I’m showing this to you because we didn’t tell you about the trip last year.” That’s why I’m not going this year. I tell you he was in so much shock. Kenny later told me that he first learned about racism from me. He never thought any of the guys would ever do something like that to him. From that time on, Kenny and I just became really close. He followed me to Madison Wisconsin. His knowing me was his ticket out of Brunswick. He followed me to California and then went to Chicago.

That set the tone for my race consciousness. After my first year of college, First Baptist Church had me speak at college night. I invited Kenny to go with church with me. Kenny sat down and no one said anything because there were parents and children. People all knew me because of my father. I incorporated Kenny into my speech. The speech was about anti-war demonstrations, but I wanted to talk about racism. I said, “There is only one black person in the room, and I invited him.” I told them, “It’s the same reason that black people live in a small part of the town as if they will blemish our part of the town.” That was my last time in church. They didn’t ask me not to come. They wouldn’t have done that because my father was the doctor in town.

When I went to college, my first semester, students were already protesting the war. I was definitely raising my only awareness of race, but race was still a black and white issue. I didn’t know where I fit in.

Mr. Tookie: Rest In Peace

2005-12-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

If you want to read more about the Supreme Court's refusal of Stanley "Tookie" Williams's stay of execution, see CNN.

I'm not a big fan of capital punishment. I feel like it's not man's job to determine who lives and who dies. But, it's fair to say I might feel differently if someone hurt let alone killed my LO. I understand and freely admit that our justice system is flawed. I don't know if Mr. Williams killed those people. He says he didn't. Some others believe he did. O.K., the man DID co-found the Crips. This guy is no boy scout. And then there's this:

WHO WOULDN'T 'REHABILITATE' IF THEY WERE FACING DEATH ROW? (I would.)

Here's a conversation I had with my husband this evening:

Me: Sweetie, what do you think about the pending execution of Stanley 'Tookie' Williams?
Mr. Jones: The Crips guy?
Me: Yeah, the Crips guy.
Mr. Jones: I've got no problem with him being executed. People think criminals are dumb. They're not, just crooked.

Back from the Movies

2005-12-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

So I went to see Chronicles of Narnia this evening. We all loved it.

Only one criticism: a few times, the picture looked like the kids were acting in front of a screen. Mostly though, the characters, especially Aslan, looked authentic.

The war between Aslan army and the White Witch's was all action, but not bad for kids. LO could watch it. Aslan's murder was not shown (thank goodness, I was worried as the build up is intense).

Overall, a magical film, worth the night out.

Universal Preschool and the Good Preschool Experience

2005-12-09T18:32:00.000-08:00

In the Los Angeles Times yesterday.

IT HAS LONG been an American article of faith that early schooling for poor children can work wonders. A word-rich classroom gives poor 3 and 4-year-old kids the basic tools for learning and for sharpening their talents for solving problems. A nurturing environment teaches children, many of them from worlds in disarray, how to work and play well with others. Such an experience can create something close to a level playing field, not only in kindergarten but for an entire lifetime.

The article goes on to quote the "landmark study of Perry Preschool" which tries to quantify the benefits of preschool to the individual and society. To me, this is a bit of a stretch. And, later the article refers to a National Institute for Early Education Research report that discusses more benefits of a "good preschool experience" like vocabulary growth, math scores, knowing more letters and teacher qualifications.

Then there is universal preschool. Beware of hidden costs. In Quebec:

Much of the increased spending has gone not toward increased access, but increased costs. Day care worker unions, on the threat of strike, negotiated a 40 percent increase in wages over four years. The cost of care has doubled since the program began, with the annual per-infant cost now exceeding $15,000.

Most useful for me, as a parent, more important than universal preschool or even word associations or knowing letters is quality of preschool. The NIEER study lists the things that people want to hear: quantitative scores. I bet these quality preschools, if the preschool themselves could create some kind of long term benefit, strongly encouraged reading and childhood discovery. That's difficult to quantify, but is the difference between a "day care" and a quality program. I remember LO's preschool. It wasn't perfect, but was committed to reading kids 10 books a day and had all kinds of interesting things happening: digging for worms, then ordering a shipment of worms for the kids, ordering ladybugs, bringing in bird's nests, music, and magic shows performed by the teachers (which cup is the ball in?). You can do that via preschool or at home, but it's hard to do this via 'universal' preschool.

Finally...Movies to Get Excited About

2005-12-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

Finally, two movies are opening this weekend that I can get excited about!

The Chronicles of Narnia (a C.S. Lewis classic) and Memoirs of A Geisha (a beautifully written life story of a Geisha). See Yahoo.com movies to watch the trailers. Both look beautiful (if you fall for the theatrical trailers like I did) and seem to capture the mood of the books that inspired them. Warning: The Chronicles of Narnia folks were a little stingy on their clips.

Don't get wrapped up in the comparisons being made between C.S. Lewis's book and the Bible. If you've read the book in your childhood or to your kids, you know what makes this allegory wonderful is its magic, not its 'religious content.' Just enjoy it for what it is.

In Memoirs of a Geisha, Ziyi Zhang plays the Geisha, Sayuri, and Michelle Yeoh plays her 'mentor'. Do you remember the female half airborne sword-fighting scene from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon - the two women are back together again. If you choose to watch one trailer, see "Formal Training." If you haven't, read the book too. I've read that it's written by a guy from Tennessee who spent 10 years studying the Geisha in Japan.

I must go see them THIS WEEKEND, but I need to figure out how to do it without standing in line. Maybe we'll go to the theater Sunday afternoon. And then there's Christmas shopping. I have ideas, but no purchases. Don't get me started!

Seven Sevens

2005-12-07T18:29:00.000-08:00

The Headmistress tapped me on the shoulder a while ago to play 'seven sevens.' I'm Baaaaaaack!

Here's my version:

1. Seven things to do before I die:
*Grow old and have grandchildren
*Be my son's buddy in his adulthood
*Travel to China with my husband and son
*Learn another language
*Publish a book
*Drop my 9 to 5 and work for myself
*Make a cake from scratch

2. Seven things I cannot do:
*Snap
*Chill out
*Spell
*Cut out caffeine (although I'm trying, again!)
*Resist a good hug
*Like the snow
*Throw together an awesome dinner

3. Seven random memories of her parents.
*My dad making my mom crack up laughing
*Mom sitting on the couch, listening to me practicing the piano
*Playing at my grandmother's farm
*My dad telling bad jokes and laughing uproariously
*Dad singing: U R the B-E-S-T best of all the R-E-S-T rest and I'll L-O-V-E love you all the T-I-M-E time.
*Mom learning the "electric slide"
*Dad making fun of my mom trying to learn the "electric slide"

4. Seven things I say alot
*Coco, hush (Coconut is our Bichon Frise.)
* Gee
*Sweetheart (to all my sweethearts in the house)
*"Look,...
* I love you
* I need to clean this house
* I need to wash more clothes

5. Seven books I love (O.K., so I list 12)
*Autobiography of Malcolm X as told to Alex Haley
*I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
*Spring Moon by Bette Bao Lord
*The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan
*Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandella
*To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee
*Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck
*West with the Night by Beryl Markham
*Composing a Life by Mary Catherine Bateson
*Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
*Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell (CD)
*The Bible

6. Seven movies I love to watch
*Casablanca
*Look Who's Coming to Dinner
*Walking with Dinosaurs (BBC DVD series)
*Austin Powers
*Indiana Jones
*Jazz by Ken Burns (PBS)
*The Color Purple

7.Seven people she wants to join in, too
*I have no idea, sorry.

Advice on Mentoring

2005-12-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

This in from my friend Jose, who I have interviewed before. He adopted his daughter when she was just shy of 10. It's a similar situation to what I'm experiencing with my mentees. What can you do to get through to a young adult?

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I had a terrible problem with my oldest daughter’s learning. I said, “What do you want to be? Now, break that down to what you have to do now.” What do you think it will take to do those things you want to do? What is it that you are doing now to get there? By your own logic, you have to do this (then they are more likely to come back for help).

They have to feel like you care. Once you show them that you care, they are more willing to accept help from you. They have to be reassured you love them and you will help them out. Even then, it’s not an easy thing at all. You are not assured of success. It depends on the kids, but you try it.

I understood that when she started down a road I didn’t like, I would have to have a tough conversation to break her down. They have to understand there is a certain threshold they don’t cross. If they cross it, it won’t go down easy. Respect me, work hard in school, be a good person. I give them latitude. I tell them I am disappointed. Sometimes I scream. Then I wait a little while (I let them stew). I give them a kiss and tell them “I love you.” But I won’t tolerate this because I love you. The more you go down the wrong road, the less you get from me. If you don’t want to go to school, you don’t have to. There is no TV, no computer. There are no video games. Quickly, they realize it is too hard. They think, I have to do what he wants. Next week, we get our report cards. You don’t get anything until I see your report cards. I talk to the teacher. I make it painful and I stick to it. If you make bad decision in life, you have to pay for it just like now. It’s really, really hard. It’s a hard lesson. I call it ‘tough love’

How do we break a bad model? My oldest daughter got therapy. She was better, but she never broke out of it. She had anger issues. She was also very stubborn. Therapy helps in a way. She always felt like an outsider. Even her extended family tries to help her feel like a part of the family, but she acts like an outsider. They are still there for her. You can try all of those things. Sooner or later they have to smarten up.

I tell my kids, “You are so smart. I’m proud of you, but I’m disappointed when you do this. I expect more from you.” You create expectations so that they want to strive. “I’m going to help you hit it.” You pick them up and push. They have to rationalize it in their own mind. They have to take the leap in life like I had to take the leap. A lot of people are not mature enough to grow up and take that leap. You give it your best shot. If she doesn’t accept it and grow up, nothing will help.

I'm off to PA and More on the Question of the Day

2005-12-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

This weekend, we're off to see my friend Mei Ling whose baby is due some time around Christmas. Her mom will be in town for a while. LO will try out some Mandarin with her mom, and Mei ling suggested that LO teach her husband some Mandarin. It should be a fun weekend.

As for the question of the day, Intellect (below) says the feeling of succeeding is critical and I agree. It's funny that he should say this because just yesterday someone else said the very same thing to me. I wasn't going to post it, but this come from another friend (who really struggled as a young person). Here are some of his comments:

Confidence that you can do something is important. You want them to feel like it is possible to fulfill their dreams and go forward - a lot of this lies in past experience. I had a conversation with someone at work that was pissing me off so much. The whole conversation someone was giving a talk entitled, ”fake it till you make it.” That's easy for the person who has actually accomplished something. Usually, that’s not the person who will have a problem. It’s the person who doesn’t think they can do anything that needs a strategy. For me, everything was encapsulated in the game. Usually what I was willing to do was about how much of the situation I could 'control.' What does 'control' look like? Me getting you caught up in my story. Another example is, 'how can I distract you?' When you are really getting into my stuff (like what I am not doing academically or getting in trouble in school) I could distract you by talking under my breath or trying to do whatever that I think will be a trigger for you. ..There’s a kid throwing a temper tantrum because he’s angry, and then there’s a kid throwing a temper tantrum because it’s a trigger for you. You should be able to tell the difference. That's about control. Maybe your mentees are saying to themselves, 'If you really saw what’s going on in side of me, you wouldn’t like me and this would end.'

Just Call Me a Navel-Gazing Blogger

2005-11-30T20:21:00.000-08:00

Via Instapundit

We've been blogging just long enough (not quite a year now) to have spotted at least seven distinct types of traffic-generating blogging Styles.

Just as there are different styles of investing, there are different approaches to traffic generation. Aside from the occasional, reclusive J.D.Salingers, most writers want to be read as widely as possible. Some bloggers literally will do anything to gain audience, others have defined boundaries. Site traffic is a subject close to bloggers' hearts, and is front-of-mind right now, thanks in part to the misadventures of Pajamas Media.

Not every blogger practicing these distinct styles gets as much traffic as they might like. However, each style has the potential to drive traffic. Other styles of blogging, such as the let's-discuss-what-I-ate-for-lunch style, aren't suited for driving traffic, unless of course you're talking about what Madonna had for lunch. As a rule, navel-gazing gains an audience of one...

I don't really think of myself as a 'navel-gazer,' but this could be me...

No One Can Take That Away From You: Another Personal Story

2005-11-29T17:19:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Welcome Happy Feminist and Storyblogging visitors!

Here we go again with another personal story. This story profiles my friend Alisse. I knew from the beginning that there was something very similar in our backgrounds and to some extent in our personalities. I met Alisse many, many years ago when we were both in school. We were both so shy and vulnerable then. I know, hard to believe. Since then, it seems we've had a number of similar life experiences. One thing I really admire about Alisse is that she can be comfortable in almost any group of people. It sounds simple, but it's not. The socio-economic, race, gender, academic, global environment doesn't matter. I have met only a few people who have that gift. I suppose it's because she's been pushed so far out of her own 'normal,' that those things have lost their meaning. She also has this quiet strength that several other friends have noticed and admired too. Here is her story.

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My mom grew up on a farm in Clarksville, Mississippi. She is the second of six children. My mother’s older sister introduced her to my father, who is also from a small rural town in Mississippi. My mother left the farm when she got married at 17, but didn’t have kids until she was 20. During that year, both of my parents moved to Syracuse, New York. Neither of them had family there. They just moved to have a better opportunity. Eventually, all of my mother’s brothers and sisters moved to Syracuse.

My twin sister Anita and I are the youngest of seven children. The next oldest sibling is three years older. Our two other sisters had kids by the time they were 19. My brothers were all over 25 when they had their kids. We were a surprise. My parents divorced when Anita and I were born. The divorce didn’t affect us. You don’t miss what you never had. The divorce had a bigger affect on my brothers. My mother was working, and was always gone. My dad came back 4 or 5 times a year. My mother worked all day and came home and went to school at night. She knew she had to pay bills. She got up even though she didn’t feel like it, because there were other people depending on her. There are other people who say, “I don’t think I will go to work today,” or “I’ll just spent this money on education, but I think I’ll flunk out.” I think, “You have got to be kidding!” When things are given to you, you can have this lazy mentality. My mother had to get up and had to keep going. During the day she was key punching and tried to go to school part-time at night. I remember her always taking classes when I was a kid. When my mother was around, she was tired as heck. She would work until 3:00pm. Then, she would go to school. From about 4:00pm until 8:00pm, she took classes. I don’t think she finished her Associate’s degree.

We were raised on public television: Dr. Who, Mr. Rogers, Evan Seven, 3-2-1 Contact, Nova. I liked to read a lot. My brother went to the army when Anita and I were 7. He would ship us books. RIF also came to our school every year. I remember being in the 2nd grade reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. In 4th grade I remember reading Cricket in Time Square.

We had great teachers in Syracuse, New York. If they thought we were good at something, they would steer us in the right direction. One teacher in high school was Mrs. Valerio. She had known Anita and me from 9th grade on. We were ‘the twins.’ We didn’t know anything about the honors society. It’s not like our mother told us about it. She sought us out and made sure we were involved in the honors society and things like that. Mr. Myers was our English teacher. His description of Crime and Punishment made me want to read it. He assigned college level books in class. He didn’t have us read the whole thing, just parts. Mrs. Kirkland suggested that I read Nikki Giovanni’s book about her life. One teacher pushed us to take Algebra in 8th grade. Most students took algebra in 9th. In our senior year, we were able to take the Calculus pre-qualifying exam to place out of Calculus in college. We both had high enough scores to place out of college level Calculus.

I had a brother who went to Rochester Institute of Technology, and we started talking to him about college. He said to us, “If you like math, you can do this. If you like chemistry, you can do this.”

Anita and I ended up getting scholarships at a small, Jesuit college in upstate, New York. It was a small school of about 1200 students full-time. We left there owing about $2000. I enrolled in one of their 3-2 programs. You spend the first 3 years studying physics and last two studying engineering. After three years, I decided to just get the physics degree in 4 years. Anita and I worked through undergrad. I had a summer job from 14 until I finished graduate school. We were in upstate New York. A lot of people had never ever actually seen a black person – only on television. It was a white world for them. It didn’t affect me as much as I realized other people were affected by me. They would look at you weird when they met you. I would wonder what the problem was. You can get passed people trying to hinder you because of that though.

I wasn’t going to go to graduate school. I decided to work in a national lab. My sister was applying to graduate school at the University of Maryland. She kept trying to get me to apply. She finished up my application for me. I ended up going to her interview with her. I really liked the campus. I looked at the programs. I thought, “Why am I trying to get into a national lab when I could stay in school?” I ended up talking to the acting chairman of one of the engineering schools for an hour and a half. We hit it off. After talking with me, he wanted to give me a try.

Once I started graduate school, I think I was dealing with a lot of things at once. The school was a large research institution. The [engineering] courses were very different [from physics courses]. The class sizes were very different. In college, I had a nuclear physics class where I was the only student. Here, there were students from all over the world. One professor in graduate school gave unlimited hour tests. They were open book tests. He would test your understanding of the material. For his first exam, I sat there for six hours. During the second exam I was there for four hours.

When you are going through a graduate program like that, you are no longer number one. You are competing with students from all over the world, students who have done the best in their schools. You start to learn that you are very small in the scheme of things. I was competing with students who had experiences far beyond what I ever had. For example, there was this student, Amit. He told me once, “My father was an engineer. My father’s father was an engineer. And my father’s father’s father was an engineer. Here I am a first generation engineer. I just kind of chose something that I thought I would be interested in. I felt like I was disadvantaged. I didn’t’ have a mentor to guide me through. A mentor might have told me how to make up for not having the engineering background. A mentor might have given me advice about avoiding pitfalls. I kept saying to myself, “I have got to get out of here by the time I’m 27.” I was focusing on the wrong thing. A good mentor will be a sanity check.

What is the value of a PhD in engineering as a Woman of Color? At the end of the day, I have my credentials. No one can ever take that away from you. It’s an indicator of what you can do, of what you can take on. I know. I have heard people say it doesn’t matter. I know it does from the response that I get. No one can say, “We won’t give her that challenge because she can’t do it.” If you apply for a job and people don’t know you have a PhD, they’ll assume certain things about you. How many black women do you know that have a PhD? The people that I work with don’t come across that very often. How can I put this? They put women, and in my case black women, in a box, and put PhDs in a whole different box.

When we were growing up, my twin sister, Anita and I were always together. We are fraternal twins. We lived together until I was 29. I always had a companion. We read books together, we watched television together. If I didn’t have money, Anita had money. In graduate school, Anita was having a tough time. I was having a tough time. [Anita ended up getting her PhD in molecular cell biology.] We would study together. We went to school together everyday (we had one car). We went home together everyday. She would meet me in the engineering library. We thought things through together. When I wanted to quit, she told me, “You’re so close, why would you want to quit? What you will gain? What you will lose?” It helped me put things into perspective. After graduate school, I chose to go to Michigan for a few years. She chose to stay. When I came back, I lived with mom again. Anita was there for 3 months until she got married… Then Anita had my son. (That’s what I call him, “my son”.) I was in tears when I saw his face. My nephew (Anita’s son) will be 16 months on December 9th. We are really trying to develop a love for books early on so it is not such a challenge later. He needs to know that he has many options, not just basketball. I would like him to develop a desire to be the best. And I would like him to have a sense of competitiveness, but not so much that it gets out of hand.

Breaking Free of the Daily Grind

2005-11-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

Here’s an article that captured my interest today. In The Wall Street Journal, George Anders writes an article, “The Moonlight Miracle.” (I'd link to it, but of course you need to subscribe!) It articulates a strong value I have about having something in your life that you love to do. And if you can’t do that at your day job, create it somewhere else. I actually do have a job that I can be passionate about, now. It wasn't always that way, and I bet those not-so-stimulating days at work will come again, perhaps sooner rather than later. How many times have you heard that you are not supposed to like your job - "it's just a job." Or, my kids are small. I won't live a life that's stimulating for another 10 years. This does NOT work for me. I ardently defend my right to love my life and be proud of what I do. Why not? Life’s too short, right?

My sentiments exactly.

“Take Gus Lignos. He’s a 44-year-old sales executive at Scintera Inc. a San Jose, CA semiconductor company. He likes sales; he’s good at it…once a week, Mr. Lignos and a friend Kevin Hardiman, cut loose as hosts of a local radio station’s sports show. They gab for an hour and then they’re done. The pay is trifling, ranging from zero to $150 per appearance. But Mr. Lignos says it’s a thrill to be a radio personality for a brief spell, speaking his mind and getting feedback from callers right away…

Something similar happened with my father the decade before he retired. He was a well-regarded professor of chemistry, specializing in objects of the solar system and beyond. Early in his career, he used to come home excited about each new research paper. Later, the papers came and went more quietly. His great joy was a side job, serving on an experts’ advisory board for the Encyclopedia Britannica..

At a recent barbecue, an optometrist friend held us spellbound with stories of his expert cases. There wasn’t much drama in his regular routines of eye exams. But his side job, analyzing eye-care disasters and then matching wits with feisty lawyers in cross-examination, was fascinating. Everyone paid Mike the highest compliment that partygoers can offer – they clustered around him, eager to hear more…

The best projects are like that. They brighten our mood, and they help us develop fresh skills and career connections. Most important, we avoid stagnation in a world that is constantly discarding old ways of doing things.”

This Weekend, I Chilled

2005-11-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

So I slacked off the blog a bit this weekend. I'll make it up to you. I just had a very long conversation, the next personal story. We're both tired. And, I'm surprised myself when I say that I've even lined up another personal story after that. Shocking!

Tough Love Part II

2005-11-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow I meet with my mentees again to begin our adventure of tutoring. I don't know why it is a bit of a surprise, but as the boys weaknesses become clear, they become irritated with me. And making their vulnerability necessary in order to have more fun makes it worse. Essentially, I'm raising the game. I've uncovered a real weakness in reading comprehension with Stephen. I sat down and read to Stephen, Johnny and my LO. I would read only a few paragraphs at a time and then asked a few questions. Johnny just needed to focus. (If I read it the second time and he knew I was going to ask questions, he could follow.) Stephen still had trouble following an admittedly difficult story.

It will get worse before it gets better (that is my prediction). No one wants others to see ugly warts. And since the boys have been responsible for themselves for so long, establishing boundaries that stick is going to take some time. And it will be painful for all of us. I sent the boys home on Thanksgiving because - like most boys I suppose - they were doing lots of little things that add up to poor behavior: touching things without asking, saying they didn't do something when they did, being too rough, being rude, mumbling under their breath when I discipline, not listening (Everyone participated including LO.) They really weren't as bad as it sounds, but I need to make it clear what is and what is not acceptable.

I've been seeking advice, but I am such a novice. I'm getting right up into one or the other's face and telling them if they are doing something wrong, why and telling them not to do it again. I know that the yelling, shaming stuff will not work. They've gotten enough of that. I've got to do something different. Phew! This stuff is no joke! All I know is that LO comes first. The moment I feel like the situation is harmful for him this ends.

Tough Love

2005-11-24T17:28:00.000-08:00

Well, today I've come to the realization that it's O.K. if the boys feel they hate me sometimes. They had to go home earlier that expected. I'll post more about that tomorrow. It's not their fault, but they have to grow up. Now.

Happy Virtual Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

I am stuffed! Stephen and Johnny are downstairs with LO watching movies. Mr. Jones and I are cleaning up. I probably should have had the boys help with the entire cleanup, but I just didn't want to deal with it. I'm not sure what that could turn into.

Why do we buy and serve too much food every year? I buy too much. I eat too much and have too much left over. It's sick!

Angela Merkel Elected Chancellor of Germany

2005-11-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

Via European Tribune (Includes a nice bio of Merkel)
Today, the Bundestag elected Angela Merkel Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany. She received 397 (or 61 % of the) votes… Merkel is the 34th chancellor of Germany, the 8th chancellor of the Federal Republic and the first woman to become German chancellor.

Via Fruits and Votes:
New Chancellor Angela Merkel needed 308 of parliament’s 611 votes. She got 397; fifty-one members of the coalition parties (CDU[Christian Democratic Union]/CSU [Christian Social Union]) and SPD[Social Democratic Party of Germany] voted no, including several dozen from her own party.

This is another story of an extraordinary individual who beat the odds. It doesn't look like Merkel has the inclination or the power to make any radical changes, but logically, she should not be Chancellor of Germany.

* She is a Christian
* She grew up in East Germany
* She is a woman
* She is not charismatic, flamboyant or master of the 30 second sound bite.(Merkel's doctorate is in physics. She later worked as a scientist in quantum chemistry)

I Grieve The Things She Missed: Another Personal Story

2005-11-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

This week I learned that I’m drawn to folks that don’t ‘fit in.’ I used to want to fit into the mainstream. Now, for whatever reason, I accept the fact that I don’t and seem to admire folks who also don’t fit into the mainstream and don’t care. Trying to heal something inside myself I suppose. Today’s story features another example of that. Today’s story is also a great example of the burdens that children of divorce bear. It’s just incredible. You never know. I met Connie since we have moved into New York. Here is her story.

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In order to understand my parents, I’d like to talk about my grandparents. My dad is from Georgia. His parents were farmers. My grandfather didn’t get beyond third grade. He was an intelligent man, but he had to go to work. My grandma went through high school. She also got a teacher’s certificate. They got married – eloped. Her father told her if she got married he wouldn’t pay for her college tuition. His understanding: once women got married they just have babies.

My dad was born in 1932 in the middle of the depression. He was the oldest of three. He graduated from high school with 15 seniors. He was the only one of his siblings to go to college. He was considered different. My dad is a very smart man, so in some ways school was a pleasure for him. He was not interested at all in farming or athletics. He went to the University of Georgia. He didn’t date much because he said you need money to date. When he wanted to snack between meals, he would buy a bag of carrots. They were cheap, they lasted a long time, and they were actually good for you. He majored in journalism. My mom was the youngest of three. She grew up on a farm in Ohio. She was always sickly. She was really shy and introverted. My mom grew up as a skinny, tall, stringy kid with glasses, and the youngest of two kids. Just like my dad, she knew the farm wasn’t where she would survive and thrive.

I grew up with kids from the First United Church of Christ. We called ourselves the “Temple Clubbers”. I don’t have anything like that now. That was something I totally took for granted. For every holiday, there was a 'get together' – Memorial Day, Labor Day. There was always something being planned by Temple Clubbers. There was a core of them that always got together.

My parents were big readers. We always had books around. We had a bookshelf in the bathroom. I used to love to be read to. That’s really from my dad’s side. He had an intellectual curiosity. He is the master of the arcane fact. My dad is a man who can discuss anything – more or less. He can talk about the abstract. My mother lives by emotion. She busted me many times just by hearing the inflection in my voice.

My parents always made it very clear to me what was right and what was wrong. You don’t cheat. You don’t lie. You don’t hurt someone if you don’t have to. You don’t break the law. You don’t do reckless, dangerous things. In lots of ways they demonstrated what they believed in.

If we broke the rules, our parents would let us know in no uncertain terms and that they were disappointed. It was big because they were so deserving of respect. They weren’t much for corporeal punishment, although I had my fair share of spankings. After the age of 7, I don’t think the spankings were needed anymore. I never got grounded. You would just have to explain what happened. You felt like a fool with your lame ass excuses.

I have one daughter and two step sons. Blended families are devastating. I was a single parent for 10 years. My current husband is a wonderful father in many ways. My daughter is in a much better place now because of my current marriage. As wonderful as I think I was as a single parent, it is not the same. It’s a whole different thing having two adults in the house. When you are a single parent, you make all the decisions. It can make you crazy. There is no one to back you up. There is no one to support you. There is no one to play good cop to your bad cop. My daughter got exposed to more things than I would have liked. She got exposed to me dating. She got exposed to me grieving. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I didn’t know if I could keep our heads above water. She is affected by the fact of the divorce. She deals with who and what mom is because of the divorce. No matter how you try to shield your kids, they are going to see you. Sometimes they have adult burdens that they shouldn’t have to share. It skews the relationship. There were times when I was like my daughter’s sister rather than her mother (when my daughter was 7). I would fight with my daughter the way I fought with my sister. My daughter had depression and anxiety that took a long time to diagnose. There were times I wondered if we would survive.

I have a fierce pride in having survived that. I had to be mom and dad. I had to be the breadwinner, homemaker and parent, and I had to navigate the 1990s and 2000s. I grieve the things that she missed:
- A neighborhood of kids (I lived in a condo of empty nesters).
- Two parents. For the rest of her life, events would be attended by one side or the other.
- She has no siblings – this goes back to connectivity and history. I never wanted her to be an only child.

I hope my daughter will realize how strong and smart and beautiful she is. I hope she will enjoy her life and be able to obtain the things that make her happy and fulfill her. I don’t say that lightly – you have to identify it to get it. She is exposed to my husband’s unpleasant divorce. I’m afraid she will reject marriage. My husband and I agreed that we would show our children what a relationship could be.

Light blogging

2005-11-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the light blogging. I met someone for lunch today, the next "personal story." She had a fascinating story. She talked about what she and her child went through as part of her divorce, and then the benefit of a two-parent household (she's married to her second husband now). There are no winners. For some, taking the plunge is still worth it, but at least consider the range of a divorce's impact on the whole family.

Jumping into the Ocean: The Secret is Out

2005-11-20T19:56:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I took a little break from blogging. I wasn't sure what to write, what was appropriate to write. As I learn more about my mentees, Stephen and Johnny, the more things start to get complicated and personal. Well, the boys could be doing better in school. That is what I learned (in detail) this weekend. Sister Josephine broke it down for me yesterday. Not that this is a surprise to me, because it really isn't. What that means to the boys is that their secret is out. I think they wanted me to believe that they were perfect little boys. But now that Sister Josephine has had a heart to heart with the teacher, had laid down the law, and I know the real deal, the boys are reacting. This was a tough weekend. Johnny was not allowed to come to breakfast. Stephen came for breakfast, but didn't come for movie night (when he found out he couldn't come for movie night, he cried). LO was being LO. My little verbal boy decided that he would be an adult this weekend. Didn't Stephen know that "fat" is not nice to say, and that yes, "it IS very important to do your work like my mommy says" and "why didn't you just do you homework in the first place." And here' my favorite, "no he is NOT my mommy's son, he's just a neighbor." God bless the kid - just clueless! I'm trying to work on that too. Sister Josephine is understandably frustrated, and so are they. They are trying to cover up what they don't know by being annoyed. That's human nature. I see that at work all the time. So, again, I've decided to do some tutoring for them. When, how often, or how long, I couldn't tell you. They're behind in their knowledge of the fundamentals - Sister Josephine gave me some samples of Stephen's work. There is the issue with the fundamentals on one hand, keeping high standards (which most kids have to be introduced to), then there is the aversion to deal with all the stuff that makes them feel not great about themselves. That and other history is all jumbled up together. The tutoring with help. I'll see what is going on and then I can get a better idea what I can do to be helpful.

Who Are My Ancestors?

2005-11-18T05:01:00.000-08:00

Want a great kids project? Actually, at about $100 maybe its a mom or dad project that everyone can enjoy. This is a collaboration between IBM and National Geographic.

Did you ever wonder about your most ancient ancestors?
The Genographic Project will introduce you to them, and
explain the genetic journeys that bond your personal
lineage over tens of thousands of years.

They send you a kit which you will use to swab the inside of a check for a minute or two. They send you (by either tracing you matrilineal heritage or patrilineal heritage) the path of your ancestors from Africa. We are all brothers and sisters after all. It is an interesting project and one guaranteed to fascinate LO.

I Just Love Charlie Rose

2005-11-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned yet that I'm a Charlie Rose junkie? I just love his show. He does have the tendency to be a little arrogant, but I forgive him because I often learn from his show. Last night Charlie interviewed the Dalai Lama who was in Washington DC. (He interviews Colin Powell tonight!) The Dalai Lama kicked off a conference on Scientific and Clinical Applications of Meditation and gave a lecture at the Annual Convention of the Society for Neuroscience. Some people thought his presence wasn't appropriate, but who cares? It's the Dalai Lama.

It's always enlightening to hear the Dalai Lama speak. I wish I'd taken better notes, but below are a few interesting questions and answers (using my jumbled notes).

Question: How do we have compassion in a world so brutal?
Answer: Don’t just look to the word compassion. Compassion is important because when you have more compassion, you can see everything better, clearer. You will have a calm mind. You can see the picture more clearly. When you have hatred, anger, attachment, you are in your normal mind, a calm mind is not there. These are obstacles to seeing reality. Nobody wants trouble, but trouble comes. Compassion brings us deeper value. Open the mind, that brings more inner strength, self confidence and a calm mind.

Question: What do you think about suicide bombings in the name of religion? Don't you think Muslim leadership should speak out against the violence?
Answer: I have been attending a conference on science. You know, science or knowledge is just a method. The thing is how to use that. Science itself is wonderful. Sometimes we use that knowledge for destruction. It’s not science's mistake, it's our mistake. Similarly, some people manipulate religion in the wrong way. It's not the fault of religion, it is the fault of people and politics. People talk about dirty science. There is also dirty religion and dirty politics.

Question: What’s the evidence that compassion wins over hatred, anger etc.?
Answer: Without education, knowledge, we keep our old way of thinking. The reality is different. We are still using the old way, but there is a fundamental lack of knowledge. Through education programs, media, talking about truth, people hear explanations about a new reality. People perceptions broaden, they become more realistic.

The Carnival of Education is Up!

2005-11-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

The Carnival of Education is up!
There are several interesting posts this week. Here are a few that resonated with me today.

One interesting post is from Wawascene, which is written by Superintendent Dr. Mark J. Stock, of the Wawasee Community School Corporation in Syracuse, Indiana. How about using a weblog to facilitate communications between school and community? Now that's forward thinking! Good for them. When was the last time you heard someone say that about a school?

My personal favorite this week is from the Common Room. The post is based on the Headmistress's notes from a book entitled, "Norms and Nobility" by David Hicks. Here is an excerpt:

But education is, or ought to be, nobler than that. The goal is, or ought to be, to move and motivate the students to will a noble act- to give them the intellectual tools to understand that, the emotional tools to enable them to want that for themselves, and, for Christians, to put them in touch with the spiritual resources that will enable them to do so.

This is a different sort of education, and some would say it is elitest. But Democracy is elitest. Classical education was never for the masses, but neither was freedom, Hicks points out. Democracy makes privileged classes of us all. We all have leisure, voting rights, property rights (even if we have no property, we have the right to own property and the right to keep it if we do attain it. Unless Kelo... but that's a post of another sort). We all have the political and legal freedom to travel, to move at will from one state to another if we like. Never before has so much freedom been scorned by so many. Since we have the political freedom only dreamed of by previous philosophers, why can we not attempt the sort of education those same philosophers dreamt of as part of that wished for freedom?
Why must everything come down to a question of dollars and cents and future capital profits?
"If there is no value in learning other than getting a job, what is the value of teaching, other than getting paid?" Hmmmm.

I love the Headmistress. The woman is 100% genuine. No apologies, no excuses. She stands tall on her principles and I couldn't respect that more. Her writings are straight from the soul. Check out her Carnival post. It's a great reminder of what matters. If you can, see some of her older posts too. She talks about her own personal story - inspiring! In my "personal stories" interviews, education is the common thread (well, along with race and class issues) that weave the life stories together. Education is portrayed as (and I believe it is) a powerful tool that gives people options and can open the door to more opportunity.

The Headmistress provides us with an important reminder that I feel is worth mentioning here. Education is a powerful tool, but it is just a tool. Education is not knowledge. Without education, your life could be a heck of a lot harder (not always, but often). Of course, life doesn't always allow you to take the traditional path. For a million and one different reasons, not everyone has had the opportunity or even the desire to get the college or graduate degree. You make the very best of what life offers you and move on. But education, in itself, cannot make life better or worse, it doesn't create meaning in life, and neither does an extra trip to the zoo, or reading an extra book to your child at night. I believe it is the powerful cocktail of knowledge, love, spiritual guidance, exposure, and passion that makes this life something special. It is easy to get caught up, looking and thinking about the bills, the job and the things. It's harder to encourage curiosity, passion and skills so that the child can inspire herself and create her own opportunities to do the things that really 'turn her on.' Some do that full-time at home with their children, some do that working outside the home with children, some do that with other adults and some make it happen in front of a computer screen. It's all good and a nice reminder on a hump day.

Never Be Satisfied: Another Personal Story

2005-11-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

Cheryl is another friend of mine that I’ve known for about 20 years. Jeez that seems like a long time. She has always had a strong presence. Some people are downright scared of her, but her hard exterior is just a façade. This is another amazing story. Cheryl has built her life from the ground up – talk about a self made woman. I remember meeting Cheryl when I was in college and she was in graduate school. She was strong then too, but quickly showed me the side of her that is sensitive, and insecure. She just wanted to be my friend and worked hard to make it so. I clearly remember that. We’ve been out of touch for a while. (She’s in a different state, has three kids and was in school.) About a month ago, I went to her graduation party. She now has her doctoral degree in education. She talked about all the stuff she dealt with coming up and all the sacrifices she made to make a better life for her kids. You KNOW I cried like a baby! Here’s her story.
~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* ~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~

My mom never graduated from high school. She finished her education in the eighth or ninth grade. She was married by the time she was 14. Back then, if you got pregnant, you had to get married. My mother had two children by the time she was sixteen and quickly had two more. I was not expected. My next oldest sibling is 11 years older. I grew up not with my siblings, but with their children. I have a sister, who is a borderline genius. She happened to get pregnant and eloped at 16. She was valedictorian of her class, but had to dropout. My other sister had kids at 19 and 20 – nothing major. I watched my mother struggle while my father was in the military. My mother had the option to go with him, but by that time she had 5 kids. She didn’t want her kids hopping from place to place. She raised my brother and sisters by herself. My father came home once in a while. Then, he didn’t come home any more and started having children outside of the family. In the end, my mother raised my sisters, brother, and their kids by herself.

What really drove me was seeing my mother’s hard work. What was lacking in my life was love. Materially, I wanted for nothing. I just didn’t have support. You have to understand, I didn’t have anybody. My mother worked 14-16 hours a day. She would drop me off and kiss me, but then I wouldn’t see her again until the next morning. I spent a lot of time alone, searching for love. What does it mean to be loved unconditionally? I knew my mother loved me, but I never felt nurtured. People think that huggy, kissy stuff comes naturally when you are a parent. No. I have to work hard to do that because I didn’t have it growing up.

I was saved [born again] at 10 years old. I believe that God chose to save me early – that’s what kept me from being a prostitute or being on drugs. In the small town where I grew up, people were either in the church or on coke. I really believed in the word of God. I feared God. I was a member of an Orthodox, Pentecostal, very, very, strict church. Church was everything to me. Church kept me off the streets. At 12, I believed I was ordained to be a minister. And technically, I raised myself.

How did I stay at the top 5% of my class? I was in competitive classes. Nobody helped me with my homework. I have always been driven by my environment. I saw kids in my school having kids and having abortions, and I said to myself, that’s not going to be me. Because I was light-skinned and had long hair, people assumed that I was going to have babies young and that I wasn’t going to be anything. And they didn’t have any problem telling me that.

Having one parent had a profound affect on me. All my life, I have lived with the fear of losing my mother. I went through a lot of periods of depression. Even now, I feel very alone. I was hard on men. I was very hard on my husband. I saw the way men treated my sisters. I always said to myself, ain’t no man going to treat me like that. I’m not going to let any man treat me any kind of way. I was looking for friends who just wanted to be friends with me. People always wanted something from me. I didn’t trust people. I felt like anyone you have is going to go away, so why trust them?

Although I’ve always aligned myself with people who get through the easy way, I have always had to struggle. I have never shown extreme talent. For example, I fought for my bachelor degree in music at a historically black university. The Chairperson of my department wanted me to sleep with him. I wasn’t feeling that. I had paid my tuition. He was sleeping with many of the female college seniors. He kept giving me Fs. My sister would go to talk to the Vice President of the University. During graduation, my name wasn’t on the list of graduating seniors. My sister went to the Chairperson of the music program and asked him, “Why is my sister’s name not on the program? See that woman over there? That’s our 65 year old mother. If my sister doesn’t come across this F’in stage, I’m gonna turn this ‘MF’in place out and this university is going to be called ‘our University.” I didn’t know anything about it. I also didn’t realize that the microphone had been turned on early. After I graduated, he was fired.

I went to another historically black university for my master degree. I was accepted to the graduate music program. Soon after I started, the Chair of the music department called me into his office. It was a Saturday and I was a graduate assistant. When I got there, he said, “You know everyone is going to think you are my woman.” I didn’t get it. He called the Chairperson from my undergraduate school right in front of me. (This was the undergraduate professor who wanted me to sleep with him.) My new Chairman said, “She didn’t give it to you, but she’s gonna give it up to me.” I told him that no one was on the phone. He gave me the phone. I said hello, who is this? Then, I thought “Oh my God!” My old Chairperson said “You didn’t give it to me, so you better not give it to him.” The new Chairman actually signed me up for a fictitious department. So eventually, I had to transfer from the music department to the department of education. But when I tried to graduate, I was told I was part of two programs and couldn’t graduate. I was asked to go “work that out with the Chairperson of the music department,” and he wasn’t trying to hear me. I got a Jewish lawyer. He told the school he would smear the name of the school and that they better hook me up by the next semester. As it turned out, the Chair of the music department was being investigated for allegations of sexual harassment. I finally got my master degree 10 years after I started the program.

[After working in the school system, getting married and having three kids,] I applied and was accepted to the school’s doctoral program. I just completed my EDD in Education Leadership. For a lot of schools, Christianity is not welcome in the classroom. Since I’m a music teacher, I tell people that you can’t talk about the evolution of black music without talking about Christianity, and without singing spirituals/gospels. It was a way of bringing God into the classroom. It is medicine for the soul and helps the kids feel free. It also expands their spatial reasoning and improves their ability in math and reading. The people tell me, “sing that inspirational music” It helps the parents feel free too.

My house has always been a learning environment. At first my kids went to an independent white school. The teachers weren’t motivating them. My kids were always ahead of the other students. Those teachers need to love the kids. If my child is an A student and she gives you D work, why would you accept that? Teachers need to care about the kids and not the paperwork on a due date. My oldest daughter is a straight A student. She just received a letter from a children’s mock ambassador program in Washington DC. She was nominated and selected to go to Scotland and England for 20 days. I want to expose my children to the world. I didn’t get on a plane until my senior year in college. My kids get on an airplane every year. They dance in a professional dance troupe. My entire paycheck goes to my kid’s education. I believe that if I can give my kids the best education and exposure now, later they will get full scholarships to college.

Children that are gifted and talented get special programs. Children with special needs get programs. Well, average kids struggle too. Nothing was given to me. I didn’t have scholarships, I just focused. My next step will be to open my own school. I want to take disadvantaged kids and show them the world too. Recently, I had the opportunity to take 40 kids selected from 80 on a choral tour. The kids nearly freaked out just because there was a bathroom on the bus. Riding through Buffalo, New York, there was a lot of land, horses and cows. They had never seen that before. We went to the restaurant and I said, “Order anything you want.” The kids couldn’t believe it. People told me these were the best behaved students they had ever seen. I say, “Don’t be satisfied with the basics, even if you are average.” I was average, but I had drive and there was always something special about me. People call me and tell me how I have blessed their lives [including yours truly]. Always push forward to get what you want. Always reach higher. Never be satisfied.

Give a Blogger a Break

2005-11-14T18:53:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across an interesting post today via This Week in Education which I like very much by the way. I don't agree with everything he says (this is normal), but I like that he searches to find something interesting to talk about and it shows.

Drum's basic position is that the blogs he reads are either (like Eduwonk and JoanneJacobs) "mostly just links with a little bit of connective tissue" or (like the Howler), "offering commentary so detailed that it's all too easy to get lost in the weeds."

Now I'm not sure if those descriptions are entirely fair to Jacobs, Somerby, or Rotherham, but they do have some truth to them -- and I agree with Drum's overall criteria...

Good Grief. It's bad enough that this blogging thing is pro grata. Would any bloggers like to comment about how much time they spend if they are posting daily? Some folks use their blog to stay on top of the issues in their field. That way, maybe the time spent feels worth it. Some bloggers are really willing to put some time in to provide up-to-date analysis on topics of the day. (How do these people get anything else done???)

In spite of the potential to make about $5 every 6 months through ads, blogging actually does provide financial and career benefits for some bloggers (Michelle Malkin, Instapundit, La Shawn Barber, Daily Kos.) Good for them. I'm all for putting the time in and hustling to create opportunities. Whatever their doing (which I may like or dislike) its working for them. Forgive me because I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I'm honestly curious. What's the right standard to use in judging a blog? And what's the appropriate standard to use to judge comments? How important is it that people stay on topic, or make lengthy and substantive posts? And why the heck does it matter anyway?

I'll just speak for myself (it's safer that way). The blogs I like the most are written by bloggers who show me something about themselves and tell me something a little different. If I want to use blogs to help me learn more about a subject, I'll check out 3-5 blogs in a subject area (say education) and note the most common and most interesting issues or perspectives. I know there are plenty of blogs that provide a daily detailed analysis of issues in a given area. That's cool. But to judge a blog by that standard when it's a volunteer gig, is a bit much. But like I said, I'm new.

Mentoring is Awsome: Part II

2005-11-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, we all went to dim sum. Johnny, who loves to eat, was fine. Stephen wasn't used to the food. Many of the dumplings he tasted (about 5 crumbs worth), he decided he didn't want. There was lots of talk about what "Chinese people" eat, how 'they' talk and what 'they' celebrate. I had to nip that in the bud early. Afterwards, we went to the Chinese market so I could get my favorite green tea with jasmine. Overall, it was a rich cultural experience for the boys.

I also worked with Stephen on a report. There was a little too much huffing and puffing at first, but this is part of the deal. You want to continue to have fun, you must do some work. I think our big challenge was to reinforce boundaries. It's probably a boys challenge, but we weren't doing a very good job of listening. And, of course, LO picks up on that. So, we (my husband and I) had to make it very clear that we don't tolerate that. Period. (Because it doesn't get easier, it will get harder.) It shook them up a little bit, but that's still nothing compared to the discipline they've experienced in the past. Needless to say, they want to come back and were trying to figure out how many hours until they'd see us again. (They agreed that - whatever the number was - it was too many.)

Mentoring is Awesome!

2005-11-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

So we had movie night with pizza and punch for dinner. We watched Chicken Run - me, Mr. Jones, LO, Stephen, Johnny and Coconut (the dog). For those of you who haven't read previous posts, I'm mentoring Stephen (9) and Johnny (10). They are living with a woman at church (and have been for about 4 years), Sister Josephine (whom they call Grandma). Their parents can't be parents right now.

We had a blast. The kids watched the movie and put puzzles together (a favorite night time entertainment combination for LO, but it didn't take any encouragement to get the other two boys into it.) At one point, Johnny wanted to look at the books, and both boys just wanted to look around. They wanted to touch everything and after several warnings, the exercise bike was off limits. It definitely makes a difference when Mr. Jones is there. He is an imposing guy, but fun. They respect him, and like him very much. We had to keep drawing boundaries, but they still had a great time. LO decided he was not going to go with me to take the boys home. In the car, Johnny (the tougher one at ten years) asked me if we would kindly never move away. My God. I've told Sister Josephine that I would start tutoring them a bit. I'll do what my schedule allows - that's what I told her. This is absolutely one of the best things I've ever done. And as I've said before, it is as good for me as I hope it is for them. O.K. enough mush. Tomorrow, dim sum.

New Woman President of Liberia

2005-11-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

Don't you just love this story? Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, a Harvard-educated economist runs and wins Liberian presidential election against soccer star George Weah. What do most Americans know about Liberia? Most can attribute the founding of Liberia to freed slaves. Some doubt that story. In any case, Liberian President Johnson-Sirleaf will be the first woman president in African history.

She's got some significant challenges ahead of her. She must deal with the likes of former warlords, associates and relatives of former dictator Charles Taylor, and a "deeply fragmented bicameral congress." See Fruits and Votes via Head Heeb for a detailed analysis and proposed solutions.

Moving On - Homeschool Blogging and Mentee Plans

2005-11-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

No Chinese class tonight. I just assumed class would be on this week. I was wrong. I even dragged Mr. Jones along because I could have sworn the teacher said the kids would recite two Chinese poems in front of the school. I even had my camera in tow. (LO missed last week - Fall sniffles.)

It's been a while since I've written a homeschool post. Since we're transitioning, thought I would share. It is time to move on from Ancient Egypt. I got the message. LO is growing tired of it and I don't want to turn him off. I'm going to follow the Well Trained Mind curriculum. I'll see if we can check out some interesting picture and story books on Sumer. We're using The Story of the World as well as Ancient World and The Usborne Book of World History. I'll supplement with cool library books. I hate to say it, but at LO's age, it almost doesn't matter which books you use. He really won't remember. I'm just trying to give him a sense of ancient history, familiarize him with some of the concepts, and keep him interested. We finished Egypt, so he's somewhat familiar with mummies, pyramids, the fact that people worshipped many gods at that time, and the fact that people's lives were very different. That works for me. And it wasn't a turn off. Maybe I have low expectations, but I'll take it.

LO is also begging for a nature walk to find different kinds and colors of leaves. So we'll take our first formal nature walk of the season (in the neighborhood since we don't live near a trail anymore.) Since I don't know the different trees by sight (I'm embarrassed to say) I use our Golden Guide, see Trees, A Golden Guide.

We're still reading about 45 minutes to an hour every night (whoever is willing and available). It's nice snuggle time, I must say. I'm getting a little sick and tired of the dinosaur books though. It's not all LO checks out from the library, but you can count on him trying to bring home at least 3-5 dinosaur books every week. We need to branch out a little more. That's the hope.

As for my mentees, Stephen and Johnny, we'll have a family movie night tomorrow, then we'll take them after church to go to dim sum on Sunday. It should be fun. It will be interesting to see how they do. The restaurant is an authentic Chinese restaurant with authentic Chinese food, and there will only be a few non-Asians. They could love it or hate it. Wanna bet how they'll react to the food and environment? For a nine and ten-year-old, I'm guessing shock at first, and then they'll be fine. I doubt they've even been in an all Asian environment. It'll be good for them...and I get to chow down. Yummmmmmm!

Things that Drive Me Crazy... In case you were interested

2005-11-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling silly, so bear with me.

1) The smacking of chewing gum
2) Incessant crying and/or whining
3) Incessant barking
4) Incessant rain
5) Shrinking underwear (O.K. Maybe IT'S not shrinking)
6) My son trying to sneak a frog into the house, again.
7) Bad meals (I'm not a great cook, but I make about 5 decent meals.)
8) Stockings (A necessary evil)
9) Makeup (It just doesn't seem practical anymore - except in special and emergency situations) The upside - I can avoid the extra 15 minutes in the morning. The downside - I look my age, and I'm getting to be the age that I'd like to start counting backwards.
10) Looking in the mirror to discover that I'm growing facial hair - ugh!

Aren't you thrilled that I'm sharing???

It's Carnival Time (kindof)

2005-11-10T18:09:00.000-08:00

Better late than never...Here are a few carnivals that I like.

The Storyblogging Carnival

The Carnival of Education

The Carnival of Personal Finance

The Medical Grand Rounds

Mythbusters

2005-11-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Via Joanne Jacobs.

The Education Trust has honored five schools for disspelling the myth that poor, minority students can't succeed in school.

Joan Didion - My next book...maybe

2005-11-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

I read a review of Joan Didion's new book "The Year of Magical Thinking)" today. It caught my attention because I've been thinking about what some children have to go through growing up (See You Couldn't Walk in My shoes and My Own Way). What does it take to help prepare them for life's little surprises? I don't know how you teach that, but I'd like to know.

It is in that context that I read Didion's book review. She writes about her grief after her husband of almost 40 years dies. At that time, her daughter was very ill and died soon after the book was finished. I've seen comments that essentially say she's a whiner. Let your husband and child die in the same year, and then talk to me about whining. I'm inclined to give anyone who has gone through that a little room to experience their grief however the heck they need to. So there.

Here are some reviews. Here are some Didion junkies. (Ten Writers Admit to the Things They've Taken from Joan Didion)

Here's a quote from her (not from the book).

A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image.

Journey To The West: Another Personal Story

2005-11-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Donald at Back of the Envelope for linking to this story. Sorry I missed the storyblogging carnival. I'll catch the next one.

This is another friend of mine. I met Mei Ling a long time ago when I was in China. She is the most genuinely confident individual I know. She has given me some great practical sister-to-sister advice. How do you look at life? Why worry about what others are thinking or doing? Decide what you want from your life experiences and take it. No apologies and don’t look back. (We also both love food, but that’s another blog.) Hers is an interesting story of the kinds of struggles families endure, and I believe sparks some interesting questions about family and education. What is a strong and stable family supposed to look like? Mei Ling was somewhat pressured to get on an academic fast track early on. Her family asked her for her opinion and resisted some of this. Mei Ling clearly remembers the experience suddenly giving her an awareness of grades and academic competitiveness. And what were her fondest memories of learning…playing poker with her grandparents, and exploring possibilities with her father during her long (45 minute) walks to high school. This is her story.
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On my mother’s side, my grandmother had three children, two sons and one daughter. My father had one brother - it was a small family by Chinese standards. My grandpa on my father’s side was a manager of a pharmacy chain store. He didn’t own anything. His family lived in ChangChun, the capital of Jilin Province in northeast China. He lived in different cities, including many years in Shanghai. My grandma ran the family. She was very frugal. Based on stories I have heard about her, she could have been quite a good business woman if she had had the opportunity. She invested grandpa’s money in high risk mortgages. She would lend money to people who had bad credit, but had land. She lent the money at a very high interest rate. If people could not repay the loan, she would take their land. That’s how she accumulated land for the family. She was a wise woman. She died soon after I was born. My father had a very deep connection with his mother. I remember from time to time he would just cry, because he was thinking about her. In China, we lived in such a small space no one had any privacy. My father would tell my mother he had been dreaming about my grandmother. I remember several times he did that. All my cousins would talk about my grandmother in a very respectful and loving way. My grandpa remarried after she passed away. None of the grandchildren truly accepted it, but grandpa needed someone to take care of him.

My dad went to college. He studied automotive engineering. I think my mother graduated from high school. Her family members were basically landlords. My grandparents’ family (on my father's side) were truly landlords. At that time, their ancestors were officers in the government. They had status in the village and had money. My grandpa passed away at an early age. My grandma is a very independent and strong willed person, but everything was controlled by her mother-in-law, everything. She said she felt like “a bird in a cage.” So she ran away. When she first ran away she left her children behind. Then she ran to Shanghai. She became a street vendor; she sold cigarettes; she was a maid, anything to make money. Meanwhile, her mother-in-law, published an ad in the newspaper denouncing her. She managed to sneak back and took my elder uncle away. The story always sounded like a movie. She came back in a boat. She found my elder uncle on the beach and she took him away. She left my mom and the youngest boy behind. She could only afford to take one child at that time. She brought my uncle with her while she was street vending etc.

I was raised by my grandma. She liked to tell her story. During the Cultural Revolution, her in-laws ran into trouble because they were land owners. Her father-in-law was beaten to death. He was a nice man in the village. None of the people in the village could beat them, because he was such a nice guy. They had to hire someone (for several barrels of rice) from another village to beat him. He didn’t die immediately. My grandmother was crying at his side. It took a couple of days for him to die. When he did, my grandmother's mother-in-law had to rely on my grandma. (Isn’t it ironic?)

My mother was able to find a job as a secretary. My father was an intern in that factory. That’s how they met. They started to date and got married. When my father graduated, he was assigned a job (at that time, the government assigned him a job) in the midwestern part of China. My mother and father were separated for eight or nine years until I was seven or eight. They had a long distance relationship. I don’t remember seeing my father often. I lived with my grandma for the weekdays, and my mother would take me on the weekends. My mom wanted to raise me by herself. At two or three years old, she sent me to day care in the factory. In a month, I developed some mysterious high fever. That fever persisted for a month. My mother took me to see all kinds of doctors in the city. Nothing worked. So my grandmother said I must be afraid of something in the day care, and I must have ‘lost my soul.’ So they needed to find a way to get my soul back. I remember the ceremony of getting my soul back. I was terrified. It happened in the middle of the night, candles all around. My grandmother was burning aluminum foil, calling my name. I always remember how serious her face was. After that I recovered. Nobody wanted to send me to day care. After that I was raised by my grandmother in case my ‘soul got lost.’ I never lived long with my parents until age 14. I would spend weekends with them.

My grandmother really adored me. I was such a good student and didn't cause any trouble. At age 11, I started to read classic Chinese novels likeJourney To The West, a very popular series, almost like Harry Potter is in America. They were very entertaining. I was so young – 10 or 11 years old. I just hoped that the teacher wouldn’t assign homework. I really hated homework,

I got sick again. My grandpa, my grandma and myself would spend the afternoons playing poker. At that time, my father came every day. He tried to teach me. He wanted to make sure I wouldn’t fall behind in my school work. He came at 7-8 am, before he went to work. He probably came back at the end of the day for a whole school year. When I went back to school, I took the final exam to see if I should move on the next grade or stay with current grade. Everyone thought I wouldn’t pass. I almost got a perfect score! The school got excited. They thought they had a genius. This is when my life became miserable. The government at that time, wanted to identify talented students at an early age to put them on a ‘fast track.’ That was Deng Xiao Ping’s vision for socialism. Then they thought, maybe she can skip another grade. I think my father asked me what I thought. Did I want to skip a grade? I said no. My father told the teachers that I should stay on the regular track. That experience built my awareness of competitiveness. Before, I don’t think I had a concept of that. I still wasn’t too serious.

My father stopped tutoring me. But I started working a little harder. I had the status of being a talented student. I was getting used to how teachers talked about me and I wanted to keep it that way. I was always being cautious. Since my father moved back to the city, I was a very rebellious child too. I wouldn’t conform. To my grandma, I was a perfect child. To her it was inconceivable that my parents would spank me. My grades were perfect. I never made trouble. And I knew what to say to conform to the communist way of thinking. I remember my rebelliousness in middle school when I was reading a lot and listening to my family story.

For example, in class there was a passage selected to read. It was about a landlord that lost her property. She hated the peasants who took away her property. The class had to discuss the passage. The question was, “Why does the owner of the orchard hate the peasants so much?” I gave a reason. The teacher said, “It’s not her property, it’s the people’s property. All the trees in the orchard were grown by peasants. The landlord never spent her labor.” The message was that she was basically evil and that’s why she hates. I remembered the right answer, but I never accepted that answer because I remembered my grandmother’s story. I remember discussing that with grandma. I said it was wrong to take someone’s property. My grandma scolded me. She said, “Never contradict these things in public.” One day, I played a game I made up called ‘new society versus old society.’I often played by myself. (The new society was the communist party.) I was taught that people lived much better lives in the 'new society.' I was also taught the value of being humble and modest. That’s a very Chinese way of thinking. You always have to say that other people are better than you. In my role play, I would play with those philosophies. There were two people. One person is the ‘new society.’ The other is called ‘old society.’ I couldn’t understand why the new society would say that new society is better than old society. This violates the Chinese value of modesty. So one day my grandmother caught me playing the game. I was pretending to be new society saying “Old society you are much better, I have a lot to learn from you.” I used to play with philosophies in my imaginary sense. If you are truly the best, why do you have to keep promoting yourself as the best? I think I was like 10 or 11 maximum at that time.

When I lived together with my parents, at about 14, it offered an opportunity for us to have a relationship. We had very good dinner table talk. I walked to school everyday. It took me about 45 minutes. Sometimes my father walked with me. Those 45 minute conversations were always the best part of the day for me. He would just challenge different views of life. Why you think that way? How about this? How about that? When I asked him a question, he would ask me, “What you like?" "What don’t you like?” "What are some other possibilities?" He never forced anything. He let me make decisions.

When I graduated from elementary school, I took entrance exams for middle school. I started to become more competitive in middle school and high school to be better positioned to get into college. That was self-driven. My college had a special program where they waived entrance exams for select talented students. I got into that program. It was like hell to me. It was a much more competitive environment. Which major was I going to choose? I asked my father, what major should I choose? We had several conversations. My father asked one of his friends to give me a psychological test. He and I had a one-on-one conversation. I don’t remember the conversation, but I remember the conclusion. He said, “I don’t think you are very creative.” In the scientific world you will need to identify something other people aren’t able to do. I don’t think you have that talent. You are very good at following orders. You are good if you are given an order. You can organize and execute. He thought that I could be a manager. I asked him, “what does that mean?” I knew that my mother was a manager. The problem is business was not an area respected by the Chinese at that time. It is second tier. That’s a dilemma. I picked a top university that waived my entrance exams and started a department in international trade. It seemed a very good comprise.

When I graduated, so many students were studying for TOEFL. I thought, “why don’t I take the TOEFL?” It was my competitive nature. I wanted to take it just to test myself. My major was international trade, and so English was very important. I was working at CITIBANK. All of a sudden they started hiring students who had a master degree from local programs and put them in special programs, better than us. It was just unacceptable to me. Then I said, if that’s the case, I want a master’s degree. I wanted that from America. In my mind, I wanted to get into a true MBA program. And at that time, I started to be interested in finance. Because of the exposure at Citibank, I understood part, but not all of that world. In my mind, America was the only place you could truly learn these things. I started to study for the GMAT. So that’s how I decided to go to America. I had to have a full scholarship. I applied to my top choice. They had scholarships, but by the time I applied, the funding was gone. The next year, I applied to three or four schools. I went to the school that gave me the most money. It gave me the sense of being secure. It was a full scholarship, tuition fully waived.

[She is pregnant with her son due on December 23rd.] My hope for Peter... I just want him to be happy and be healthy. I hope that he can have reasonable personal comforts, food and basic living needs. And I hope he can feel happy with what he has. I want him to be logical and practical and wise. I will guide him, provide him with different perspectives, just to stimulate his thinking. My father and I often had long conversations, he challenged my thought process.

Many teachers were shocked that I chose international trade as my major. Some of them tried to push me into biochemistry or medical school. My father said that’s nonsense. This is the time I say do not follow your teacher. Make up your own mind. I would like to have those conversations with Peter.

Jumping into the Ocean

2005-11-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention that I did take Stephen and John to the diner for breakfast on Saturday. We didn't have movie night together though. Apparently, their grades are "sub par." Sister Josephine will speak to the teacher on Monday to get more details (of course the kids have no details to offer.) So, there will be no special time with Mrs. Jones if they don't start completing their school work. That hurt. Stephen started crying inconsolably. Maybe that's good. John was hurt too (he tried to play tough guy though). I'll call Sister Josephine tomorrow to see if we can come up with some definitive goals for the week. Otherwise, no breakfast or movie. (I was making plans to have some dim sum in Flushing too.) We'll see.

BTW, I also ran into them this afternoon (Sunday). Big kisses from me to the boys. They love it. LO expects the attention and love. It's precious to him, but he takes comfort in knowing that his parents are crazy about him. These kids are starving for love and positive attention. I can just see it.

Books That I've Loved Most

2005-11-05T06:43:00.000-08:00

I've shared books that LO loved most (so far). I thought today I'd share some of the books I've loved most.

Here's the first version of my list

Autobiography of Malcolm X as told to Alex Haley
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Spring Moon by Bette Bao Lord
The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan
Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandella
To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee
Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck
West with the Night by Beryl Markham
Composing a Life by Mary Catherine Bateson
Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell (CD)
The Bible

Finding My Voice

2005-11-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

If you have read more than 1 or 2 Jones blog posts, you would see that as a new blogger, I am discovering my voice. Initially, I thought my clearest voice, my most sincere voice came from my interest in parenting and supplementing LO's (my little one's) education at home, but I quickly took a detour into race and class.

This blog has been cathartic for me. It has helped me get things off my chest, and is helping me rise to my own expectations. As I have mentioned before, this blog has led me to mentor two young African American boys. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I just couldn't keep writing about the need to take action, and not jump into the ocean myself. I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not, but it's a priority and I'm doing my best. For now, that will have to be enough.

This blog has also led me to begin sharing a series of "personal stories" which I will call "personal histories." Their not just stories of my friends for your reading pleasure, but individual histories that are touching, and textured and sometimes profound. I stumbled onto them. At first I thought I was answering your questions regarding race and class, but later realized I deeply wanted to get a bird's eye view into what made the people I admire so admirable. I wanted to know what those things were from their childhood and adulthood that somehow came together to make them, in my eyes, at once interesting and extraordinary. I'm discovering more about my friendships and my values in each subsequent interview. I hope they are also interesting to you. (BTW, the Carnival of Education is keeping me to a rhythm of engaging and learning from close friends.)

I'm finding meaning through my little serendipitous little blog project. A blog of about 5-15 regular readers has driven a change in my life? Weird huh?

Rx for Survival: A Global Health Challenge

2005-11-04T04:08:00.000-08:00

Not to scare you, but how safe are we? I watched this last night on PBS. It is an interesting series on how disease is spreading across the globe and how harsh they can be, particularly in developing countries. Sometimes it takes very little to make a huge impact and sometimes the obstacles boggle the mind.

LO is sick this week, so I am especially sensitive to the issues.

The Carnival of Education Has Been Hijacked

2005-11-03T18:59:00.000-08:00

The Carnival of Education has been hijacked!

Gotta love creative teaching methods. Teaching Voice in Writing via Bud the Teacher: Now, to better understand how I teach, know that it is common place for me to have a puppet on my hand, a King Arthur puppet to be exact, to talk about speaking with formal language (I do a great English accent) and another puppet who looks like a Muppet reject because he looks so wild and weird, to talk about informal speech. I'm VERY theatrical when I teach. So when I read Junie B., animated doesn't quite cover it...I tell them, "You have 10 minutes to find a book, one in either this room, in your desk, but in this room, and find a passage that is an example of good voice." Off they go...

What's Important in Math Education via Chris Corea includes five principles. (Here's my takeaway: If the school doesn't deliver, pick up the slack. Got it.)

1) Whole number arithmetic and the place value system are the foundation for school mathematics with most other mathematical strands evolving from this foundation. This foundation should be the subject of most instruction in early grades.
2) In every grade, the mathematics curriculum needs to be carefully focused on a small number of topics. Most mathematics instruction should be devoted to developing deepening mastery of core topics through computation, problem-solving and logical reasoning.
3) Instruction should be mathematically rigorous in a grade-appropriate fashion. All terms should be defined with language that is mathematically accurate. Key theorems and formulas should be proved, whenever possible.
Disciplined, mathematical reasoning is one of the most important goals of a school education. Although it is difficult to assess on statewide tests, it must permeate all mathematical instruction.
4) Most students should be taught the mathematical knowledge and reasoning skills needed to succeed in college. Students planning for a Bachelor’s degree in a quantitative discipline should take a more demanding mathematics track in high school which prepares them to start calculus when they enter college.

This isn’t controversial stuff. Interestingly enough, I can’t think of a U.S.-based curriculum that does all of these things very well.

Now I need to think about how we are going to serve the community during Thanksgiving. We could always volunteer in the soup kitchen. I'd like to do something a little different this year. Any good ideas?

Thousands Pay Last Respects: Rosa Parks

2005-11-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

Today, thousands waited at Detroit's Greater Grace Temple Church to pay their last respects to civil rights pioneer, Rosa Parks. At a time when there is so much media focus on what communities are doing wrong, it is a pleasure to see people of all races coming together to honor a woman who may not have acted alone, but certainly inspired the civil rights movement. Now, after her passing, she has become the first woman and second African-American to lie in honor in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington.

Here are some neat quotes from the funeral.

You Couldn't Walk in My Shoes to Save Your Life: Another Personal Story

2005-11-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

This is another friend of mine that I met in my last job before we moved to New York. I was attracted to her strength and her ability to stand up for what was right in the face of some ugly circumstances. I could tell she had been through tough times. It's really hard being a single mother of three kids with no support. My husband was overseas for 5 months. I had no family around, and got a crash course in what work flexibility is all about. I just can't imagine. She has come through some extraordinarily difficult circumstances to be where she is today. And yet, she has two masters. Her oldest daughter is in college. She built a two-family house and rents the other side out. She has built a support network and a faith that rivals anything I've ever seen. She is a 'together' black woman. And I unabashedly define hers a success story. You may not realize after reading her story how much this kind of life takes out of you. She doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, but when the stress builds up, it attacks her body. I'll leave it at that. Warning: This is a longish story, but it's an important one. Please read in one sitting.
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My mother was raised in the country by her great grandparents. She was an only child. My father was in ‘town’ and was reared in a two-family home with his father and mother. My father’s father was a barber and he sold moonshine. He had 14 children and he didn’t own any land. What he was doing was considered illegal, but he had to survive, so he took risks. He had eight or nine boys, the rest are girls. My father was fortunate to go all the way through college. He went to the military, and went back to school to get his PhD. He started investing his money in real estate. When I was born, my father was married to his current wife who was not my mother. I am the product of an illegitimate relationship. My father and mother were high school sweethearts. My mother wouldn’t marry him because she said he was a ‘player,’ but they continued their relationship. I didn’t know my father growing up.

People would say to me, “get out of here looking like Patterson.” I would always ask about him, but all I ever heard were those comments. When I got older, I started calling everyone in town with the last name Patterson. My father never responded to me. His mother, my grandmother, used to send me $10. Ten dollars is a lot when you got nothin’. When my father’s wife got wind of my relationship with my paternal grandmother, our relationship took a different turn. My grandmother couldn’t see me anymore.

I finally met my father when I was 12. His wife’s reaction to me was that I wasn’t his child because “you are light skinned and he is dark skinned.” She didn’t know who she was talking to because then I was mean. I went into the kitchen to pick up the butcher knife, because I believed in killing. My mother stopped me. My father’s response to me was “when you get older, I’ll explain it to you.” When I was older, I went to him. He didn’t explain. You never know what people have come through to get where they’re at.

When you feel as though you are not wanted by someone who should love you, you feel like why would anyone else believe in me or want me? I heard my mother once say that she didn’t love me. That creates a whole mess. Since 2nd or 3rd grade, I ran away from home every year, and my mother never came to get me. But the family I ran to would finally come to her. I was miserable. I never got a spanking, but emotionally, the lack of love - just feeling like you were not wanted... Always people telling you to “get outta hear, don’ nobody want you here. I was a bad kid at home. I was a liar and I was a thief. I couldn’t disagree with you. My one question is what did you do to encourage the child? You can say you did, but what did you do to love that child? I was dealing with some crazy stuff. I got pregnant in high school.

I was supposed to have 6 children and be in jail, but the scripture says let go and let God. I don’t know anybody of my great grandfather’s children that has two master degrees. What I have been able to achieve, I’ve done by myself. My mother had my daughter when I was in college. When I went to college, no one gave me a dime. I didn’t take the SAT. I went to a business college. My mother said fine, go to college, but I’m not going to pay for you, so I took out loans in my own name. Before I got there, I never saw the college. I told my mother I didn’t know how to get there, so my mother said she would take me as far as the train station. (I couldn’t bring my daughter to school because I didn’t have anyone to take her. My mother kept her. When I went home and left, she would cry because I left her.) My mother never saw the school. When I got to the school, I didn’t have a piece of linen. I only had clothes. The campus was a 20 minute car ride from the dorms. I didn’t have a car. I started getting to school by catching rides every day. I didn’t know anything about the bus system. It was very traumatic to get back and forth to school. After going through all of that, I graduated with an associate degree. At my graduation, my daughter and mother were there with me.

The day I graduated, I got my daughter back. I knew I had to move out of the apartment. I’d never heard about saving. The day I graduated, I was walking on the highway with my daughter and had no place to go. A lady stopped, backed up and asked us where we were going. I said I didn’t know. We didn’t have nowhere to go. I’ll never forget it - she told me to get into the car and she offered me a place to stay. I didn’t stay long, but I didn’t have to be homeless that day and that night. I tried to get me a little job at a temp agency. My daughter got sick. I was a single parent and I didn’t have any help. I wanted a full-time position, and they wanted to offer it to me. The supervisor talked to a black lady employee. She discouraged him from hiring me full-time. She had seen me take off because my child was sick. They don’t have a clue of what it’s like to not have any help. They couldn’t walk my footsteps to save their God given life.

People see others on welfare and make assumptions - you don’t even know what they’ve been through. I worked at the Radisson Hotel from 7am -3pm and from 3pm – 6pm in a day care center. I’d work for free at the day care so my daughter could stay there during the day. She would be there for 12 hours - it was the only way I could do it. I got fired from the Radisson for ‘fraternizing with the guests.’ (I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to take free tickets from the guests.) When I lost the job at the Radisson, I ended up in a homeless shelter and stayed there for a couple months. (I’d just had my second child). I was trying to get some help. I went downtown to social services. The woman realized I had a degree. She invited my daughters and I to spend Christmas holiday with her. Her godfather said, “if you come to where I live [a different state], you’ll always have a place.” Little did I know that his family was a bunch of drug dealers. I didn’t call home and say “Oh my God mama I made a mistake.” He did help me find a place. I had been in the new state for three months. You have to be on welfare for 3 months to qualify for the ‘American works’ program. I had been on welfare for 3 months and 1 hour. My new job was as a claims agent. America works did this big write up on me. I worked and I worked. I applied for a promotion, but they wanted a bachelor degree. I said at that point, “I will never be turned down for a job because I don’t have the education.” Because the new college didn’t accept credits from the business college, I had to start all over. I was discouraged for a minute. I met Dr. Hakim and he encouraged me through the process of getting back in school. After about a semester, he took me over to the Board of Education. He introduced me to Dr. Jackson. She was the Provost at the center office of the university. She took me under her wing and started to develop me. God has really put some wonderful people in my life. There was something special that they saw in me. She was always encouraging me. Eventually, I got two masters. I didn’t get the degrees to get a better job. I didn’t want anyone to deny me an opportunity. I defeated all the people that said I was stupid.

My mom never tried to make sure I had a relationship with my father. I always made sure my daughters had a relationship with their fathers. I knew that knowing their fathers would help fill a void in their lives. This past weekend, in a workshop, they were discussing the word ‘nigger.’ The daughter that I was the most worried about said, “we are leaders and we can make changes. If I had said something like [the “n-word”], my mother would have snatched the word right out of my mouth. To hear her - good Lord. It worked. She got it. My youngest – she wrote a poem. It was something like ‘recognize that the word was used to degrade us. It was used by the slave masters. When you say “what up nigger” - you just killed your brother.’

I sometimes don’t recognize what God has asked me to do. God has put his hand in my life and I recognize that. If I was directing myself, I would probably have killed myself. Let go and let God. If it was left to other people, I would not be here. The biggest thing that ever brought me through was when Dr. Hakim stepped into my life when I went back to school for my bachelor degree. He had faith in me and talked to me about the things I could do in my life if I just made the decision to do it. Dr. Hakim gave me an opportunity. He didn’t know me. He didn’t owe me nothin’. He didn’t have to have anything to do with me at all. By the end of the first semester, I got a 1.9 GPA. It was devastating. He didn’t beat me down. He just offered options. And he let me make my own decision. He just cared enough to show me there is another way to do this. He gave me away at my wedding. He had to leave early because his wife was in a car accident, but he kept his word. That’s more than my father ever did for me. He always had a door open to me. I knew there was no one else that would do that for me. That propelled me. He is the most powerful person that I have ever known.

And the nominee is...Samuel A. Alito Jr.

2005-10-31T18:02:00.000-08:00

So George W. Bush has nominated another judge to succeed Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. He is certainly more solid than Miers. There are still some issues that concern me about this nomination. Thought I would share some of the more interesting reading with you.

Some background on Alito from Law.com and Wikipedia .
Today's announcement.

On the Right:
1) A comprehensive roundup of interesting facts, trivia and personal testimonies at Underneath Their Robes.
2) In defense of Alito in the controversial Casey vs. Planned Parenthood case at the National Review Online
3) More about Alito's dissent in Casey vs. Planned Parenthood from Patterico's Pontifications.

On the Left
1) Echnidne of the Snakes on Samuel A Alito Jr. (Be prepared for some strong language.)
2) Balkin from Balkinization on Alito: "No doubt many Democrats will oppose this nomination, because Alito appears to be a critic of Roe v. Wade. At the same time, Alito has excellent credentials. And, unlike Harriet Miers he is also not a crony of Bush."
3) Think Progress is straight up against Sam Alito.

Some looming questions from The Moderate Voice via The Heretik

Well, there you have it. Now we have a paper trail and as noted in the New York Times, Alito "was confirmed 15 years ago by unanimous consent of the Senate." Whether you like it or not, it's a fight the White House believes it can win .

What's a Modern Girl to Do?

2005-10-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

Maureen Dowd had a piece in the New York Times What's a Modern Girl to Do? - a little weak.

She says:

“I didn't fit in with the brazen new world of hard-charging feminists. I was more of a fun-loving (if chaste) type who would decades later come to life in Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw. I hated the grubby, unisex jeans and no-makeup look and drugs that zoned you out, and I couldn't understand the appeal of dances that didn't involve touching your partner.”

Huh? How is this helpful?

She goes on to say that because she is so smart and successful, she can't find a date. Maybe she could just call a girlfriend and discuss it over the phone. See Echidne of the Snakes for a more detailed discussion. See Meep's comments. It bothers me when folks discuss a significant issue in a very public forum and trivialize it. Well done Ms. Dowd. Her book won't be on my Christmas list. (I'm sure she's O.K. with that.)

Pensions: Who needs them - Meeeeeeeee!

2005-10-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

O.K., so I'm only pushing 40, but I keep reading about underfunded pension plans. Companies continue to scale pension benefits down relatively late in the game. So here's my question, "how should I best plan for retirement?" My grandmother on my father's side lived until 98. My grandmother on my mother's side is currently 90. Her father before her lived until 99. If I don't die early, chances are that I'd better be prepared for the long haul. The other issue is that I live in the state of New York which means that I can save a lot less than I could where we lived last.

- I can't count on pension
- I could conceivably live until 100
- I live in NY where everything is ridiculously expensive. Saving is MUCH harder.

I could
1) plan to build a skill set (or skill sets) that would allow me to work for a long time,
2) save for retirement and cut back on today's fun like vacations and fixing up this house,
3) buy insurance now that would lock me into a lower rate for when I need to retire
4) figure out what my current savings plan will provide for when I'm 65 (not much, I'm sure)
5) all of the above.

Sheesh. No fun. Maybe I should get on the 5 year plan in NY (e.g., plan to move out so I can afford something besides gas, groceries and a 'broke up' house.)

Suggestions?

Chinese Class - Again

2005-10-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

We finally got back from Chinese class. LO is learning poems and simple conversations. This past week we learned "the little duckling." The week before, "the little Dalmatian." They do little cute role plays in school.

Typical Role Play
1) How are you?
2) How are you?
1) What is your name?
2) My name is da wei. What's your name?
1) My name is xiao yun. Who is that?
2) That is my friend.
1) Bye
2) Bye

As a dyad, as a group and with each student and the teacher. With the new teacher, the work required is reasonable. LO is still learning. He has to work to make some people comfortable with him. (Most of the kids took Chinese last year.) He gets it and he's working it. (It took me 30 years to get that one.) There are some interesting dynamics going on. You should see him charm the teachers. Did I teach him that?

Who knows how long this will last? It's Friday nights only which will be difficult once he starts up with sports I think. That's a year away though. I'd like to keep this going if I can. It's a great cultural experience. LO is the only non-Asian in his Chinese class. He probably knows something is different about him, but at preschool he is one of the few non-whites, so what's the difference? At least he'll have a broader picture of what's out there. An awesome experience for a four-year old.

I Love You, Again

2005-10-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I picked up the two young African American boys (age 9 and 10) that I'm mentoring. On Sunday, the kids at church will celebrate Elohim day (instead of Halloween). It sounds similar so the kids don't feel like they're missing anything. Stephen and Johnny are not allowed to celebrate Halloween, Elohim is O.K., so I bought their costumes (biblical characters only - and don't asked how I ended up footing the bill.) First, I brought the crew to our house to walk the dog. I had been so impressed with Johnny's illustrations that I bought him a little book, How to Draw Animals.

The book could help Johnny express some of his more painful feelings through his drawings. He was thrilled! (Stephen, who didn't get a present less so.) Mr. Jones came home and everyone ran to him and hugged him (I wish I could have taken a picture of his face - priceless!)

It was interesting to see what really impressed Stephen and Johnny: the Jack-o-lantern we carved ourselves, being able to run and hug Mr. Jones, hearing me say "I love you", getting a gift 'just because'. I watched my own LO (my little one) and his dad later that evening - all the teasing and joking and horse playing. I realized how lucky LO is. Our love for him is expressed through our actions and our words many, many times each day. By American standards, we are strict, but loving. I have even begun to take our closeness and support for granted. It just goes to show that what kids need most can't be bought.

So this week, at the end of the day, as I put LO to bed and we pray our prayers, I'm spending extra time talking about how special he is to me today, and what are the things I especially love about him today.

BTW, as I mentioned, I've been seeking advice. The fireman's tour for the boys last weekend was a hit. I saw the PT fireman at work this week he told me this: "keep feeding them [with role models]"

From Avery Tooley another African American man:

First, I'm a big fan of firefighters, so you get all props from me on that.

Second, I think the main thing you or anybody else can do to influence the boys is to be there and be consistent. Obviously I don't know the nature of the circumstances, but I think that when you break it down, most of the time when kids have trouble, there's some kind of inconsistency with the adults they know. This is where you must be different. They hafta KNOW that they can count on you to do what you say you're gonna do. Even more, they hafta know that you're gonna be there. The thing is, that's not something you can really tell or promise, that hasta be proven over time.

...always promise little and deliver big.

Wise advice. So I'll press on.

Raising American Student Performance: Consider e-tutoring from India

2005-10-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

After my post about my friend Anand and his education in India and America, I ran across this article from the Associated Press.

COCHIN, India - A few stars are still twinkling in the inky pre-dawn sky when Koyampurath Namitha arrives for work in a quiet suburb of this south Indian city. It’s barely 4:30 a.m. when she grabs a cup of coffee and joins more than two dozen colleagues, each settling into a cubicle with a computer and earphones.

More than 7,000 miles away, in Glenview, Ill., outside Chicago, it’s the evening of the previous day and 14-year-old Princeton John sits at his computer, barefoot and ready for his hourlong geometry lesson. The high school freshman puts on a headset with a microphone and clicks on computer software that will link him through the Internet to his tutor, Namitha, many time zones away.

It’s called e-tutoring...Princeton is one of thousands of U.S. high school students turning to tutors in India.

Through 'e-tutoring' American students are vicariously exposed to the rigors of math and science education in India - cheap. We have looked to the same old options to improve American performance in math and science: new curriculum, new books, teacher scholarships, and more testing for teachers. Perhaps we should make a break from the current paradigm. Modern technology and communication could reveal inventive methods of enhancing students performance. Could E-tutoring also help close the achievement gap?

The Carnival of Education: Week 38

2005-10-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

The Education Carnival is up!

Why do U.S. students suffer from an inability to perform complex reasoning and mathematical assignments compared to students overseas? Kitchen Table Math has some suggestions.

Via the Instructivist: A friend of mine teaches chemistry at a community college in South Carolina and is pulling out his remaining hair. It appears that in his introductory chemistry and remedial classes, the vast majority of students (recent high school graduates) are unable to do simple calculations involving percentages. Forget about dimensional analysis...He shares how he teaches percentages to his eighth graders.

The American Dream: Another personal story

2005-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

The following story is about my friend Anand that I have known for a long time. What strikes me most about Anand is his drive to improve his life. This is his way and he's always thinking about it. I have never seen a drive or a 'hunger,' as one of you previously noted, with the overflowing intensity or consistency that I see in him. Although his story gives you the sense that his drive is the result of one or two experiences, I would bet a lot of money that it goes deeper than his experience with rich kids during his private education. It is simply part of his personality. Can you encourage someone to be as ambitious as Donald Trump or Jack Welch? At the same time, as long as I've known him (over 10 years), he has always wanted to be perceived as 'normal,' an average American guy. Being who I am, the part I like best about Anand is his humor and, of course, his laugh. You would notice that easily from across the room. He works hard, but he plays hard too, and laughs hardest of all. His laugh is quirky and infectious; his youthfulness is disarming and endearing (don't let it fool you though). Anand's story is about his drive to fulfill his American dream. And these are his words.

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Both of my parents grew up in the town of Ajmar, in the state of Rajasthan in Northern India. My mom is from a small family. She grew up middle class, definitely not impoverished, but not affluent either. My dad’s side of the family was large. He had four brothers and four sisters. One of the things his parents wanted for all of their kids was to have a good education. Up to your bachelor degree, you can go to college in your own town. You live with your parents. A lot of families, especially sons, grow up in the house and live together in a ‘joint family’ as opposed to a nuclear family where you go out and get your own house. (Until three or four years ago, three of five brothers were living in the same house.)

Imagine living in a big ‘joint’ family. You have five brothers and parents in the same house, a six bedroom house, maybe 3000 sq feet. It’s pretty big, but if there are six families, then that means there are twelve adults, and two to three kids in each family. The family didn’t have cars. Even twenty to thirty years ago, air conditioning was unheard of for people living middle income lives. When my father was growing up, he had water four to six hours a day. Everyone in the family would be filling water tanks for water to cook, or water to bathe with. Things we take for granted, electricity, water, clean streets, clean fruits, are things you don’t take for granted when you are in India. When people we knew from India came back, they would bring pictures of how things were abroad. We would look at these pictures and think “Wow, what a beautiful city; what a nice neighborhood; how clean the streets are!” Some of it is a vision that things are probably better in other parts of the world.

Of all the brothers, my father was the one who ventured out. He went to engineering school through a combination of scholarships and his parent’s help. He got a masters of science in physics, and masters of technology in electronics engineering. After he finished his education, he took up a faculty position at the University in Delhi.

My mom was a chemistry and physics teacher in high school. We grew up in a ‘university compound’ while my dad was working in the engineering school. It was a close knit community and offered a lot of facilities and amenities. In 5th grade, my parents sent us to a ‘day boarding’ school. My parents focused on giving us a good education, education being the path to a successful life. The school was a private school and cost a fair penny. It was an interesting experience for me. I figured out about what my parents did not have and what other people had. I learned that there was more success to be had.

There are two professions most coveted in India: one is an engineer, the other is a doctor. My dad would say, “One of you should become an engineer, and the other a doctor.” That was the mantra. My parents focused on having a good education, education being the path to a successful life. In 8th or 9th grade, I decided that I wanted to be an engineer. Family members who had gone to IITs, were very successful. That was an inspiration for me. High school is when you start working hard and taking entrance exams. In terms of the school curriculum, I could handle it easily. I was dedicating most of my time preparing for my entrance exams, and was focused on getting into an IIT. Entrance exams are given to approximately 100,000 people and maybe 1500 get into IITs. The student who ranks number one in the entrance exam can go to any of the IITs. There is a hierarchy. Computer science is most preferred; electrical engineering is number two; mechanical engineering is number three; chemical engineering is number four, and number five and six is a tie between aeronautical engineering and metallurgy.

I ranked around 500 and made it into mechanical engineering. That was the first time in my life that I realized I wasn’t the smartest guy. I never had to deal with that before. In those four years, I discovered who I was, what my strengths and weaknesses were, and how human relationships worked.

The typical plan is that you get into an IIT, you go to the US, you land a good job or when you come back you get a better job. That was following the beaten path. It was the common wisdom, and at that time I figured there had to be a reason. Unfortunately, my father passed away in my sophomore year. I am the oldest son and “family responsibilities” fall on the eldest son. My mom was very supportive. She said, “Go, we can take care of ourselves.” So, in my junior year I decided I would apply to graduate school in the U.S. The question was whether I could land some kind of fellowship, scholarship or teaching assistantship. I ended up getting my masters degree from the University of Iowa in biomedical engineering. When I graduated, the US economy was in a recession and I always wanted to go to business school. All of a sudden, my backup option of getting my MBA became my first option. Thankfully, the University of Maryland gave some tuition assistance and fellowship money.

My children are being exposed to a lot of different things. Because of my experience, I learned how valuable it is to learn from all of the little things around you. The more you know, the more you can function and develop as a human being. The interaction I had with my dad when I was young was centered around homework. It was much more structured than the interaction I have with my kids. I probably heard my parents say I love you, but it wasn’t 3 times a day. My kids are way, way more fortunate in terms of traveling. They’ve been traveling internationally since they were 5 months old. They’ve traveled to India 2-3 times, to Taiwan 2-3 times. [Anand’s wife is Taiwanese.] They have been to the Bahamas. When these kids grow up, they should have a good sense of what they have in life. They should have a sense of how to handle situations. To me the importance of exposure is that it helps you question certain things.

Rosa Parks Dies at 92

2005-10-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

Rosa Parks, also known as the mother of the 'civil rights movement,' embodied the dignity of passive resistence in America during an unpleasant time in our history. I met her a few times when I was a young girl at NAACP functions. She inspired me then and helped me put yet another face to the reality that I had only heard and read about. She lived a full life and was recognized for her part in making American History. What else could you want from your life?

In the NYT

WaPo has a nice gallery of photos.

NPR has excerpts of interviews.

Rosa Parks: My Story by Rosa Parks.

Blogs are 'Blowing Up'!

2005-10-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Bloggers beware! Being a non-techie (surprise, surprise), and a new blogger at that, it's strange to think that I am part of this rapidly changing landscape that is the blogsphere. Now that I'm here, I am amazed at all of the changes:

American Express hires bloggers to blog as they wish. More info here and
here.

From WSJ: RSS feeds catch on - "Ad revenue generally is shared between the companies and the blog. Companies like Pheedo, Inc are hired as ad brokers to get their ads in feed or popular blogs.
"Citrix Systems Inc., the software company that owns GoToMeeting, likes the targeted nature of the advertising. "We're in technology, and the early adopters of [RSS] are exactly the people that resonate with our products and offers." (Meanwhile, I still can't figure out how to get Adsense to work, darnit!)

Niche blogs are 'discovered'. Brand blogs capture the attention of some companies.

Steve Rubel, of New York, whose blog Micro Persuasion, follows the impact of blogs on public relations, argues that companies should embrace the in-depth customer feedback the blogs offer. (I wonder. I've never clicked on a blog's ad. Have you??? ...Maybe, if the blog is highly specialized.)

An Amateur's Journey: A fine piece of poetry

2005-10-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

What I'm reading today: Reflections on the Psalms by C.S. Lewis...so I'm feeling a little pensive.

Did you know I just had a birthday? Just over one month ago, I started this blog on a whim. A friend, who recently moved, told me how she set up her own blog documenting a new life abroad. Having recently moved myself, I thought it would be fun, and decided to give it the old college try. I thought I would write about certain things, but you know how life can be. I found myself blogging about what I needed to say. Before I knew it, I had readers other than my family and old friends. Just like that, voila!

This is not a blog that will give you the latest on Hurricane Wilma or the Miers nomination. Sorry, I'll read those stories like everyone else, but that's not my passion. Occasionally, I will comment on current events or articles that interest me, but be forewarned that I'm not likely to get 'hot and heavy' about the latest political injustice (although it has been known to happen). I'll continue to let my interest, joy, frustration and pain lead me. Hopefully, the content will be intriguing enough, and will perhaps become more interesting over time as I learn and grow.

If you choose to read this blog, you'll read it because you have an interest in watching me and my journey unfold - my struggle with trying to be a good parent, making the world a better place for children, and somehow making sense of race and class. And you'll hang around because you have some level of tolerance for my other ramblings. I don't profess to be an expert in any of these areas. And so I don't want to spend time defending my lifestyle, parenting choices or my views on race and class. It's not a good way to spend my energy. I do however want to learn from you, dear reader. Part of this involves sharing my confusion and frustrations. It's a risk, but strangely, this is a venue where I feel comfortable letting it all hang out. The other part of the equation is to be open to your push back, advice and sometimes reasonable criticism. It is a hard bargain that I want to make with you.

So my journey is an amateur's journey. Like everyone else, I'm doing my best to reach my mountain top. My journey is my poetry I want to share with you. And like poetry, my journey is meant to be sung, as lyrics "with the licenses and all the formalities, the hyperboles, the emotional rather than logical connections, which are proper to lyric poetry...Otherwise we shall miss what is in them and think we see what is not." What is in them is a sincere journey, and a hope for what could be for our children. I know that I am and will continue to make many mistakes. It is what it is. I only hope that I have the wisdon to correct some of the big ones, learn from them and tell others about it.

Jumping into the Ocean, Again

2005-10-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

We went to the fire house today after breakfast, me, LO (my little one) Stephen and Johnny (who are living through some tough circumstances right now). I met an African American guy from work who mentors a lot, who also happens to be a fireman. He invited to give us a tour of the fire house today, and I eagerly accepted. I can see how important it was for them to have exposure to a black male role model. After reading some posts elsewhere on the same subject, one question comes back up for me: how much time am I willing to put into this? Yes, pancakes and a library visit are great, but is that really enough to make a man? I understand the answer is no (this is clear). My husband's two cents are that if you are going to spend only a few hours a week, it's not bad. Anything positive and constructive is good. Are we going to sign them up for sports and taxi them around? Are we willing to participate with them in the boy scouts? If you are talking about contributing to a 'life altering' situation, a few hours a week probably doesn't cut it. Not bad certainly, but not life altering. So the question remains, what the heck do I really think I'm doing? I agree it's better than nothing, but WHAT IS IT that I'm doing? What is it that I WANT to do. Right now, the answer is that I have absolutely no idea. I want to take it slow to see what I feel makes sense for me. They are enjoying this. I am enjoying this. That will just have to do for now. I'm done thinking about this for today.

BTW, I'm picking them back up in a few minutes. Mr. Jones and I have invited Stephen and Johnny to "movie night" tonight. That includes watching some videos and eating some popcorn at the house.

Jumping into the Ocean: Sometimes things just work out

2005-10-22T06:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I bumped into a guy at work who I happen to know mentors alot. He asked me what I was doing this weekend. I, of course, shared that I've started mentoring two boys and any advice would be welcome. One is 9, and still enjoys affection, joking and horsing around. That works for me. The other, at 10, is 'cool'. The problem is, I'm not cool.

As it turns out, he is a part-time fireman at my local fire house. He invited us to a tour of the fire house after breakfast. "I'll give you the cool tour," he said. Sounds good.

Spotlight on Darfur: Which Are The Top Rated Charities?

2005-10-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

The Headmistress over at The Common Room makes an important point: choose a charitable action that stands a good chance of helping those who need help.

If you decide to give, this site might help. Ever heard of the American Institute of Philanthropy? It publishes a list of "top charities". The following is from the site.

The mission categories below list charities which get high grades from AIP for putting 75% or more towards program cost while generally spending $25 or less to raise $100. These groups also receive an “open book” credit from AIP for willingly sending the financial documents we request.

Because many factors determine a worthy charity, we at the AIP suggest that you use the ratings not as the sole determining factor in your decision, but rather as an aid.

The site also lists the following as top rated charities top rated charities.

Doctors Without Borders - A
Save the Children - A
International Rescue Committee - A+
Africare - A
American Refugee Committee - A+
International Medical Corps - A+

You may also want to check to see if your other favorite charities are listed.

Spotlight on Darfur, Sudan

2005-10-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Via Michelle Malkin, an American sailor reports the situation in Darfur has gone from bad to worse).

Of particular interest is Karama at So What Can I do? I've included an excerpt.

Although you wouldn't know it by your TV news, the genocide in Sudan is still going on. After all this time, people are still being killed. (Five hundred people yesterday. Five hundred people today. Unfortunately, five hundred more people will die tomorrow.) People are still being raped. (Women and girls are very vulnerable.) People are still hungry and displaced. (Over 2.5 million people, so far.) Although the problem is large and severe, we are not helpless. Thankfully, there is hope. Here are just a few of the ways you can help.

Choose your methods:

* Learn more about what's happening in Sudan. Consider the Genocide Intervention Fund and Save Darfur. Let others know what you've learned and encourage them to act.

* Divest from the Khartoum government. Do you want your money to support an unjust and murderous regime?

* Support relief organizations that are working to ease the suffering. Many of these organizations work in Sudan with internally displaced people, and also with refugees in Chad and elsewhere. Consider CARE, Mercy Corps, and Doctors Without Borders.

* Assist Sudanese refugees in the US. These folks know a lot about the situation in their home country and may be well-positioned to help friends and relatives there.

* Write a letter of concern to your elected officials. Let them know that the crisis in Sudan matters to you and matters to all of us. Encourage your President, senators and representatives to allocate money and other resources to ending the genocide and brutality in Sudan.

* Send a letter to the television networks asking them to improve their coverage of Sudan. The more people know about what's going on in Sudan, the more likely they are to act to end it.

Years from now, when someone asks where you were during the Darfur genocide, what you did to end it, how you helped your brothers and sisters who were in danger, what will you say? Act now. End genocide, forever.

"To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking." - Goethe

I Want It: Apple's iPod Paradox

2005-10-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

The Apple iPod - I don't have one...must remedy this situation soon. I bought my techie husband one for X-mas (isn't that just so sweet?) Guess how long it took him to use it....5 months. So I guess it wasn't the perfect present after all. He does use it now. I don't want to touch his. I'll just envy him for a little while longer. The sound quality must be good because I can hear it from down the block as he returns from his runs. He downloaded a zillion songs from back in the day, and - a nice benefit for LO and I - we can hook it up to our big speakers in the house. Me, daddy and LO have way-to-loud 'club Jones' events on occasion. It's a fun way to get the chores done. I feel like I'm out on the town. I have my two favorite boys with me. And it's so cute (the iPod, of course)!

Now Apple has come out with the iPod Paradox. Here's what The New York Times said:

CALL it the iPod Paradox: with each successive version, Apple's 30-million-selling music player gets thinner and thinner, but its feature list grows longer and longer. By next year, no doubt, the iPod will act as a radio, remote control and coffee stirrer, but will be thin enough to roll up into a tube.

You think it will relax my hair too? If there is even a slim chance, I'm SOLD.

The question is, what would I really want to see for 5-7 minutes (I'm guessing that's all I'd get) that I have to find, download and review? It does store my million and a half digital photos that I can watch over and over. It is thinner (that makes it easier to loose), but perhaps more attractive. I could download podcasts for LO. We could watch our Willowcasts from Radio WillowWeb (Students from Willowdate Elementary School in Omaha Nebraska. LO likes "good joke, bad joke".) Also 'Kedou' Chronicles are cute (the (mis)adventures of a tiny bear and his friends). Now that I think about it, since all of our money is being poured in this house (need I say more), I could download some soothing music and pretend I'm on some exotic island. Hmmmmmmm.

The Carnival of Education!

2005-10-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

Check out the Education Carnival Week 37. Experience for yourself the diversity of views from across the Edusphere (I feel like a commercial).

Don't miss Spunky homeschooler's post on What Makes for a Great Homeschool.

Another excellent homeschooling site is School@Home. Fun, practical and loads of resources - just the way I like it!

Other Carnivals listed here.

A Day in the Life of a Blogger - I get it!

2005-10-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Via Concurring Opinions from Instapundit:

A Day in the Life of a Blogger. I think I get it...

My Own Way: Another Personal Story

2005-10-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

When I post about race and class, I invariably get questions probing how I'll raise my son differently because he's black. What's the difference in experience? Is it culturally acceptable to be smart and black ? Every time I try to respond, I'm at a loss. I always enjoy the discussion, but how can I possibly represent an entire race of American citizens when I only really know my experience? So I'm starting a weekly series (as long as I can manage it). I'm going to interview friends that I admire most from all races to find out what it took to get them where they are. I learn more about my friends. You learn a little bit more about the complexities of race and class. We both read an interesting story (I hope). It's a win-win.

Karen is another good friend of mine (Read about my friend Jose in Against All Odds). We've known each other for about twenty years. Has it been twenty years???? Karen is a brilliant, African American woman with the gift of insight. She is a voracious reader and has a steadfast independent spirit. It was a long road, but she is now doing something that she loves to do and that suits her perfectly. She is a teacher. I could tell you stories including some about Karen when she was younger and didn't have a car, in an area without a well-developed subway or train system, trying to work full-time and take classes full-time (but I won't). She never wanted a ride; she never needed help; she never complained. Amazing, I'm telling you. These are her words.

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My mother is the oldest of 14. My dad was raised by his grandparents. Both my parents were raised in a very rural environment in Arkansas. My mother went to school in a one-room school house. Eight children, one room, all different ages, all old books. It's interesting. People think that everyone in the South was involved in the Civil Rights movement - not true. Where my parents lived in Arkansas it was 'business as usual.' They got married when my father was 19 and my mother was 20. They had a high school education. My mom went to college for about 6 months and left. Dad took classes related to his job. They soon moved to Flint, Michigan. Most black people in Flint Michigan had roots in Arkansas, but moved to find better opportunities and so that their kids could go to college.

I was a very shy child. I was not the kind of kid that marched with the other kids. I always had this sense of wonder. I was always reading books. It wasn't like our school system prescribed them. When I was in school, I don't remember reading any books for school. From what I remember, they were never required. I'd be hard pressed to say that I remember anything we did in high school English. All of the reading I did, I did on my own. I read things I wasn't supposed to read. When I was 13 or 14, I read what was a groundbreaking book for me: Sophie's Choice. I don't know how I got my hands on it. I was around 16 when I read the Autobiography of Malcolm X. I read Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (she is from Arkansas) and the other books in her autobiographical series. In her first book, she left home to become a dancer, and later went to Africa and learned to speak another language. I also read the Diary of Anne Frank . When I started to read more, I realized "there's more to life than Flint."

At my school, they never talked to you about college. The attitude was "you graduated from high school didn't you, so beat it." Most people went to work in the factory - it was a factory town and that was the expectation. The guidance counselors never met with you to ask you about your plans. I didn't even know who my guidance counselors were. I read books to find out what I was supposed to do to get into college. I didn't know anything about an SAT or an ACT, but I bought a Barron's book and I took it upon myself to figure it out. I remember telling my mother one day, "drop me off here." "Why?" my mother asked. "Because I'm taking a test." I never mentioned what the test was and she never asked. Now that I'm a mother I think "wow, they really did me a disservice."

Some parents/educators/teachers get a skewed view of who a good student is. Is it a student that gets all As? Is it a student that is well behaved? Is it a student that gets into a 'good' college? My parents wanted me to be my own person whether that was a scientist or an artist. Early on, I wanted to be a musician. I started at Lincoln University [a historically black university] and after two years, transferred to Howard University [another historically black university]. I knew my parents couldn't pay for it, so I left there after 6 months. When I left Howard, I wanted to be on my own. I called my grandmother and she gave me enough money for one month's rent. I was twenty years old, and knew if I went back to Flint, there would be a chance that I'd never leave. It was a big, big gamble. Eventually, I stumbled across a job at Blue Cross Blue Shield teaching adults and I knew I could do it. I left Blue Cross Blue Shield to work for a dentist. He hired me because I had 'inside knowledge' of the health care industry. In the interview, he asked me to spell 'ptosis.' I did. He decided to hire me, and said "I don't know how my patients will take a black person behind the counter." I trained his employees, and soon he trusted me with thousands of dollars. We still keep in touch.

I did eventually graduate from college. One day I saw an ad in the paper. A program interested me. If you got picked for this graduate teacher's program at George Washington University, you didn't have to pay a dime and you were guaranteed a teaching job. Lots of people applied and so did I. In the interview, the panel asked me this question: "If there was a fight in the hallway, what would you do?" I said, "I wouldn't get in the middle of it. No I wouldn't. I'd have to go get someone." They laughed. And the rest is history.

I'm raising my daughter a little differently. I read to her every night. My parents didn't read to me at all. They just said, "you'd better go read a book." I started phonics with her when she was about 4 1/2 and she ate it up. (Six months before, she just wasn't ready.) She is seven now. She's reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6). Harry Potter has mass appeal. We bought the last Potter book in the series on the Saturday it came out. We read a chapter a night, or if it was a natural stopping point, we just stopped. I also try to give my daughter a fundamental sense of self. When she was younger, you know, she wanted to get the other [white] dolls. I never told her she had to get African American dolls too. I just always told her she had a pretty brown face. I let her get other color dolls (1 or 2). I kept reinforcing though that there were different colors of the rainbow and they are all beautiful. Children learn early that they are not the 'beauty queen.'

[Me: How do you respond when people say parents don't need to talk about race, just love their children?]

That's ridiculous! Not everyone's parents sit down and tell them that everybody is the same and reinforce it as the child grows older. Not every parent will model the behavior. If the only people the parents talk to are the same race, when the child grows up, chances are those are the people they will want to be around. I heard one Latino high school student in my class say the other day about white people, "they think we're all in gangs anyway" and then a white student confirmed it "yeah, they do." Whatever race your kids are, it's important that they know they can make a significant contribution and they too can play the game. You have to tell them that.

I am encouraged by the teenagers today. In the age group 15-25, the hip hop generation, they are breaking barriers. They are much more likely to have friends of different races. I don't know if the hip hop music brought them together, but from about 16 they all listen to 50 cents and Ludicrous [sp?]. If you go to prom, they are all dancing to the same music.

Seeking Greener Pastures

2005-10-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

Whenever you start thinking your life is bad, just remember it could be much worse. Say what you want about Nicolas Kristof. (According to Wikipedia, the 'free encyclopedia,' Nicolas is a columnist from the 'center left' - see allegations of bias.) He visits places most reporters won't visit. The stories he tells are not sexy. They make you uncomfortable. (And they're not mainstream U.S. news.)

This week, he does a video journal on Niger. Sorry, you have to have Times Select to view it, but here are a few paragraphs:

Gouré Niger.

Welcome to the most wretched country in the world.

Niger is dead last of the 177 nations ranked in the latest U.N. Human Development Report, based on its heartbreaking rates of poverty, illiteracy and mortality. On a 650-mile drive across the country from the Niger capital, Niamey, to this eastern city of Gouré, I stopped in village after village where peasants told of young children dying of starvation in the last few months. One man named Haroun Mani had just buried three of his eight children.

They didn't have enough to eat, and then they got diarrhea and weakened and died," he explained. None had seen a doctor; in Niger, there is one doctor for every 33,000 people.

Granted, it's difficult for Western readers who are dieting to comprehend people who are starving. But Niger seems a good place to ponder the failings of a system of international aid that is often irrational and catastrophically inept, leading to the deaths of those children, Suraj, 5, Barida, 3, and Hawau, 2 - along with millions more across the continent.

A crucial mistake is our refusal to provide substantial agricultural assistance to increase African food production. Instead, we ship tons of food in emergency aid after people have already started dying. It's like a policy of scrimping on manhole covers because we're too busy rescuing people who fall into manholes.

In Niger, it has been apparent since the beginning of this year that a food crisis was coming, but the world ignored a U.N. emergency appeal for $3 million in aid in February. Then in July, BBC television showed wrenching images of children dying. Niger promptly received more aid in the last 10 days of July than it had received in the previous eight months.

In fact, the situation is more complex than the television images suggest. The reality is that people in Niger are always starving.

"There was a crisis last year, and there'll be a crisis next year," said Claude Dunn, who runs the World Food Program office in Maradi. This year's crisis was especially bad, but year in, year out, 160,000 children under the age of 5 die in Niger - one child in four never reaches 5. In other words, every single week this small country faces a 9/11-sized toll, composed entirely of dead children...

In the news business, we don't lead with headlines like "Millions of Children Dying in Africa," because that's not actually news. It's the wallpaper.

Yet realities like that should inspire our priorities. And we're not even using our aid money wisely. Unless we help start a green revolution in Africa, we'll be back in Niger year after year - and every village will be surrounded by more tiny graves.

It's human nature to wait until a situation is dire to act. Not good, but how long should we (not just the United States either) wait to act? How many children have to die? And what more could the United States do with the help of other western countries to eliminate this kind of atrocity?
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Stay tuned. Tomorrow I'll share another 'personal story.'

Update: Jumping Into the Ocean, Now Swim

2005-10-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

Breakfast with the boys - Update: I did have breakfast and library time this week with Stephen and Johnny. I am embarrassed to say I thought Johnny was one of the other children. The poor thing was sick and sniffling all morning (it's going around). Johnny is 10 and handsome. He has angular features, is thin and has the gait of a boy on the verge of cool. He had a good time, but when he smiled or laughed it seemed like he did in spite of himself. He clearly loves animals. It's amazing. He's only one year older than Stephen and yet he seems years older. Johnny is extremely mature for his age, and while Stephen is open and a ball of energy, Johnny is introverted and serious.

Stephen was ready with his little paragraph summary of the book he read this week. You talk about a proud little boy. The first thing he wanted me to see when I came was his summary. (I wish I had our scanner hooked up so you could see he drawings.) He wrote about the Magic Tree house book, Night of the Ninjas. We listened to it as a book on tape earlier, so I know he liked this one. Here it is.(He's very creative isn't he?)

Night of the Ninjas by Stephen
About Ninjas: They live in old Japan. They do karate to fight. They are covered with black from head to toe.

Story: The Ninjas caught Jack and Annie. They brought them to the Ninja master. The evil guys, the Samurai, were going to attack the Ninjas. Then, Jack and Annie went back to Frog Creek, Pennsylvania to the tree house.

Then he draws Jack, Annie, two Ninjas and one Samurai. (awesome!)

As soon as we got in the car, Stephen wanted to hear another Magic Tree House book-on-tape. The book mentioned Dingoes, and that sparked a long conversation. Johnny apparently likes animals very much and knows alot about different kinds of animals. He talked about different whales - the hump backed whale is his favorite. Why - because their so big. His second favorite are Sperm whales because of their teeth. The conversation went on from there. I had to just observe and ask questions. It seemed that everyone knew more about this stuff than I did.

At the library: Johnny wanted whale books, each book he borrowed featured a different kind of whale. Stephen got a Magic Tree House book, of course. I also asked Stephen to help LO find something he might like. A beautiful move on my part - thank you very much! As soon as Stephen picked out a book, LO automatically loved it. And Stephen did well. Since LO also enjoyed the Magic Tree House book, "Dingoes at Dinnertime" Stephen picked out for him a kiddie book on Australia, a few dinosaur books, and some book about what's underground (since LO is also into fossils).

I'm really learning through these kids. Stephen is full of energy, still full of curiosity, open to the world, and thanks to Sister Josephine, allows me to set boundaries. I am able to encourage him and be affectionate with him. Johnny on the other hand is already a young man. I can see he likes that I'm impressed by his smarts, but he's less open to my affection and is holding in alot of pain. I can see that. Trust is a big factor with him and won't come easy.

Sister Josephine insisted that I drop LO off with her for two hours after we returned from the library. She called me after one and a half hours, and insisted that since LO was having such a good time, I wait and relax for another hour. "I am a wise woman" she said. "Just listen to me, I know what I'm talking about. LO is an only child, and he's always with you. He trusts us and is close to Stephen. This is good for him and for you. Don't say anything yet, let me finish" she continued. "You are a mother, a wife and a person, and you need time to yourself." Before she hung up she told me she was blessed that I came into her life and that she loved me. Well, what are you going to say after that?? Needless to say, I went back to sleep. (I could have finished cleaning the house, but why????)

Sister Josephine is one of those women who has seen it all. She is a wise woman alright, never judging, and one of the few people in this world that you just trust. She wants what is best for us, and is extremely protective of those children. I am learning from her. Isn't that the way it is? I went in to help her and the boys, and I'll probably get more from my time with them than anything that I could hope to give. Another one of life's little lessons. How about that.

Mama Blog

2005-10-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

(We were at my mother-in-laws earlier this year.)

Nanan: LO, I'm going to make you some breakfast, is that O.K.?
LO: Yes Nanan.
Nanan: What would you like? I could make you some bacon and eggs?
Me: Oh Nanan, he doesn't like eggs. Every time I mention eggs, we go through a bit of a production.
Nanan: Yes, but LO, you've never tried my eggs. My eggs are delicious. Would you like to try them?
LO: O.K.

(Several minutes later, Nanan puts the eggs and bacon on LO's plate.

LO: You know mommy, these eggs are not too bad!
Nanan: I told you.

(Now that we're at home.)

Me: LO can I make you some eggs this morning?
LO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mommy, I don't like eggs. I told you.
Me: LO, you just had eggs at Nanan's house, and I quote, "Mommy, these eggs are not too bad!"
LO: Oh Yeah. May I have some eggs please mommy?
Me: Ughhhhh!
LO: Chuckles...

Interest in Mandarin Chinese Classes for Students Grows

2005-10-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Via the NYT

Yes, Mandarin is a difficult language, but students don't seem to mind. The language is more popular than ever.

With encouragement from the Chinese and American governments, schools across the United States are expanding their language offerings to include Chinese, the world's most spoken tongue, not to mention one of its most difficult to learn...The number of Chinese language programs around the country, from elementary school through adult programs, has tripled in 10 years, said Scott McGinnis, an academic adviser at the Defense Language Institute in Washington...

The U.S. and Chinese governments are only too happy to support student interest:

Last month, the Defense Department gave a $700,000 grant to public schools in Portland, Ore., to double the number of students studying Chinese in an immersion program. In May, Senators Joseph I. Lieberman, Democrat of Connecticut, and Lamar Alexander, Republican of Tennessee, introduced a bill to spend $1.3 billon over five years on Chinese language programs in schools and on cultural exchanges to improve ties between the United States and China. The bill has been referred to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

After 2,400 schools expressed interest, Advanced Placement Chinese classes will be offered in high schools around the country starting next year. Beijing is paying for half the $1.35 million to develop the classes, including Chinese teachers' scholarships and developing curriculums and examinations, said Trevor Packer, executive director of the Advanced Placement Program at the College Board.

So The US is Losing its Competitive Edge? - Create A Hunger for Learning

2005-10-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

First Arlene said this. Now see what Meep says:

It's true that you need to help build some kind of internal drive, but I'm thinking back to my own privileged childhood, and I know we never hungered for much in my family. I did well in school because it was easy to me, but I wasn't complacent -- my Dad gave me all sorts of books to read and would discuss ideas with me. It wasn't about the grades, it was about the learning -- and I had that drive to learn well before I got to school. I also noticed that I learned a lot more outside of school than in it (yes, even that "socialization" stuff... because outside of school I had to deal living with two sisters who were always in my stuff and who I couldn't get away from... and outside of school I interacted with people who weren't my age. You know, like the rest of the human world outside of schools.)

Indeed, the "socialization" aspect of schools might actually depress academic achievement, because peers generally don't like you if you're too smart/bookish/hardworking at school subjects/nerdy. This differs somewhat by race or whether one is a recent immigrant, but even a white kid in a suburban school filled with kids whose parents are lawyers, diplomats, etc. is made fun of when they're too into academic subjects. There were kids who were in the advanced classes with me, but didn't try too hard lest they be a weirdo like me. And I'm sure more girls could have been in the math classes I was in, but they knew they would have no chance with guys if they did so. There's no penalty for not achieving at the topmost level -- being solidly in the middle is safe socially and you're not really going to hurt when it comes to college and jobs.

There needs to be a hunger for achieving as much as you can. Going back to the entry on the science/math gap, you've got to realize that many kids don't want to stick out in those areas because of their nerdy connotations. I just didn't care about being liked, but the vast majority of kids want to be liked by their peers. Perhaps if we kept the socializing to an outside-of-school phenomenon, kids might not have to worry so much about their achievement level impacting their social status. Of course, if one homeschools, then the socializing is kept separate from the academic work.